help me stay away from this man for good.

[womblingfree1970]

H has put the final nail in the coffin.I know quite of few of you are wondering why I hadn't left him years ago.

Well yesterday was the final straw.For those who who haven't been following my threads.H and I are living seperately(have been for last 5 years).In that time we have tried at the relationship a few times(this has involved him popping around and seeing me and the kids) and split up again several times.

Well he brought up the fact of moving back in in the future.(not that I'm now considering it at this time).He then said something that implied we would still keep our accounts seperate.Now I know this suits some couples.But this is something he has always been against.He has even slagged off people who do this.When we were together we had joint accounts.At one time I was the breadwinner and he was at home looking after the kids.

But now that this role is reversed he now isn't sure he'd want to do this.Saying just in case we split again.He said its something he'd have to think about.I don't believe his reason.I think it shows how selfish and tight he's become.

I wouldn't want to live where I had to ask for money.To me thats not a relationship(especially with kids).

So I basically told him I'm not happy about this and ranted at him.I told him that its over.Although I don't think he believes it.

[Anniegetyourgun]

It might sound like a petty thing but it is in fact quite fundamental. It's not about joint accounts as such - as you say, some couples do keep separate accounts - but about his sense of entitlement. The old "what's yours is mine, what's mine's my own" attitude.

He won't believe you mean it because he's got away with other crap before. It doesn't matter what he believes, though, does it? A relationship is over when one party wants out. In this day and age, and this hemisphere, you don't have to stay with a man until he calls it a day, and thank all the Powers for it.

[womblingfree1970]

(('It might sound like a petty thing but it is in fact quite fundamental'

'but about his sense of entitlement. The old "what's yours is mine, what's mine's my own" attitude.'))


Anniegetyourgun

Exactly.You've hit the nail on the head.Even if he now said ok if we get back together now I agree to joint accounts.I would say no thanks.Its the fact that he is even thinking like that.It shows me the person he has become.Its not just about me.Its about the family.the fact that I'd have to ask for money for the kids.No way.

I have spent the last 5 years bringing the kids up on my own.Both emotionally and financially.And after all he's done I still considered giving it another go.I feel he's thrown it back in my face.

[womblingfree1970]

H has just text me.Saying he's been trying to ring(my mobile was out of signal) and thinks I may not want to talk to him and that the balls in my court now.As to contacting him.

[womblingfree1970]

I really need advice.I really need to leave him for good.I have left several times but have then returned because I start getting afraid of stuff.Like the divorce process for example.I think that if I really go through with it he'll get really nasty and leave me in financial and emotional ruin.So then I see getting back with him as the easy option.

Or the other things like I am totally alone.No family or friends for support.So if ever there's a problem(like I recently was involved in quite a bad RTA)the only one to call for help is him.If I'm ill and need help with the kids I'm reliant on him.Again I then talk myself into its easier to go back to him.


because of the no friends or family situation,I have no one to look after kids.So have no way of returning to work or even having a night out.So see myself as having no future.Sad situation to be in isn't it.

[zikes]

But you can change it.

There are loads of options for childcare: I don't know how old your children are, sorry, not sure if I've read your threads before. Childminders/afterschool clubs all sorts. If you were alone on a low income, you'd be entitled to various benefits and tax credits to help you with childcare/everything.

You could start a course or find a part-time job, and that would help you make friends.

If your cv is a bit thread-bare, you can volunteer somewhere to improve it: National Trust for example have volunteer spots for room guides/shop attendants/conservators/gardeners/office staff. All sorts of charities are looking for people.

Your dh would be expected to pay maintenance and have the children some of the time, so you'd have opportunities to get out while he had them overnight and such (if he's any kind of father).

I'm not saying it's easy, but there are changes you can make. You don't have to be afraid, and surely it's better to go it alone than hang onto something so wrong for you.

[womblingfree1970]

In a recent conversation(referring to last time we went on holiday) H told me that it felt like he was on holiday with kids and a friend and the friend so happened to be mother of his kids.Said he's feeling down and just feels that way.

How would you take this?I took it as thats how he sees me.that its a hurtful thing to say and has meaning.He says I've got this wrong.That it means nothing.

[Anniegetyourgun]

What is he paying towards your household bills at the moment? All of it? Just the mortgage/rent?

The remark about you being just a friend may have been designed to make you want to shag him just to prove you were more than a friend. Hope it didn't work!

[womblingfree1970]

he pays for nothing at the moment.we live seperately.I pay my bills he pays his