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Signs that he is still seeing other woman and reasons not to care.

(69 Posts)
Sillyflower Mon 02-May-11 22:39:21

We are separated but living together for the moment.
I am still shruggling with the fact that he had an affair with work colleague. I am also still upset that he No longer loves me and is is leaving. It's been about 4 weeks or so. He says they are were just friends but I read their messages they were much more than friends.

I was away for a couple of nights and when I got back snooped and discovered that they had been to the cinema together whilst I was away.

I also noticed that he has been looking at tons of porn.....!? I am curious if this is normal at the start of a new relationship? Seems like an odd combination. But I am not an expert!

He is still acting suspiciously on phone etc. Which has me on edge all the time.

I asked him outright and he guessed that I had snooped. But still denied everything.

Why am I so fixated with the lying?

I just want the truth. Its killing me.

Do I need to force detachment? Is there a technique?

I know you are all going to tell me it's none of my business and to move on and you are all right. I know I need to accept what has happened and move on.

Is there anyone else who has had similar experience?

I am coping fine in most other respects.

Thanks for reading if you got this far......

atswimtwolengths Mon 02-May-11 22:56:06

I think it's time he moved out.

The reason you are feeling so awful is because you don't know your own history. You are told something on the one hand, but everything tells you that's not true. Then he says again that he's telling you the truth. It can drive you mad, believe me; I've been there.

If you've decided to split up anyway, just tell him you think it's time he went. You will feel so much better afterwards, I promise.

squeakytoy Mon 02-May-11 22:59:52

I agree with Swim. Its not good for you to still be living together when you are not amicably separated. It will just drive you insane with the stress.

Tell him he has till the weekend to move out.

Sillyflower Mon 02-May-11 23:07:16

Thank you for replying atswimtwolengths

I know he needs to move out. He is going in june. I just don't think I can cope til then. When I ask him to go he refuses as he won't tell friends and its too expensive for hotel etc.
The only person he has is OW and I have no idea why he won't stay with her although I believe she still lives with her mum!

He tells me to go. But I can't as I have dc and nursery to deal with.

When I am not around him it's fine. I am just able to put it all to the back of my mind......I am stronger.

What I can't understand is why he is still lying? I mean he has nothing to lose by telling the truth. Unless he has plans to live with her or something. But even then. Why lie? it is what it is. Surely life would be easier all round if he came clean?

atswimtwolengths Mon 02-May-11 23:12:52

Does he have any family he could stay with?

Obviously hotels are too expensive, but do you have any friends he could stay with until June (why June, btw? Financial reasons?)

squeakytoy Mon 02-May-11 23:16:22

Is it possible for you and the children to temporarily stay at a relative or a friends until June?

I think he is being very unreasonable in not moving out when he is responsible for the breakdown in the relationship.

He is lying because he is an unfaithful tosser to be blunt. He just wants it all on his terms by the sounds of it, and doesnt want to be honest with you as that means him admitting he is a shit.

Sillyflower Mon 02-May-11 23:22:07

He has place lined up in June. There was delay in it being available. It's really nice. And conveniently near OW.

I can crash at friends here and there at weekends to break things up. I just resent leaving to accommodate him. Also weekdays need to be here.

His family have offered but he it's a longer commute to work for him. Puts him out a bit. He is being a prick about it.

squeakytoy Mon 02-May-11 23:33:18

Yup, he definately sounds like a prick.

Do you have an holiday leave you can take if you are working, and go away with your children.

Its only a month, so keep that thought in your mind.

Dont be tempted to look at his phone. Stay as far away from him as you can. Dont cook for him or do anything at all for him. Make his life as bloody uncomfortable as you can. Invite your mates round and have nice girly nights and tell him to do one as he aint welcome.

AnyFucker Mon 02-May-11 23:35:43

love, are you a namechanger ?

have you posted about this before ?

you should stay put and make him go

the mental cruelty he is displaying is quite staggering

couldn't he just keep his dick in his trousers for a few more weeks ?

why am I thinking the place he has to go to in June will "fall through" too ?

Sillyflower Mon 02-May-11 23:52:37

Yes name changer- sorry. A while ago at the start of this nightmare.

I know he is being cruel. He seems to think it's ok as we are not fighting. He is getting 'strength' from her company blah blah.

I am so fed up.

The place in june will be fine. I genuinely think he wants out of here too just not if it involves him being stuck in a shithole in the interim. Or having to tell anyone what is happening.

Would it be bad to drop the OW a line? Or is that just going to make things worse...... I would love to see what she would do if I turned up to work with his stuff and left it on her desk.....

AnyFucker Tue 03-May-11 00:00:33

I thought I recognised you

I think the advice back then was just to get the fuck rid of him right now, let him sleep on a mates sofa for a couple of weeks

what are you waiting for ?

for him to have a change of heart ???

the place in June will fall through, I bet my house on it

squeakytoy Tue 03-May-11 00:00:35

Nooooo dont get involved with any communication with the OW. Really not worth it, and it will make things worse.

Just think, if she dumps him, he will probably start telling you how it was all a big mistake and he is so sorry.....

Very tempting though, I agree... but be take the higher ground and ignore ignore ignore....

HHLimbo Tue 03-May-11 00:01:48

B&B? Youth hostel? Backpackers?

- plenty of cheap options for him.

AnyFucker Tue 03-May-11 00:02:07

yes, keep well away from OW

silly idea

will only make you feel worse, and paint you as a desperate woman wanting to keep her man

remind me why you want to keep him ?....

Sillyflower Tue 03-May-11 00:11:46

I don't want him back. If he were to have a change of heart - which he won't I would send him packing.

He is a liar and a cheat. I am better of alone.

He has knocked my confidence massively but it time it will come back.

He does show remorse and shame sometimes. But mostly anger and aggression at me asking questions. It's been like that since I caught him.

There was never any hope of us working things out. He is incapable of telling the truth about anything. The more I looked back on our life together the more lies I uncovered. God knows how many 'special friendships' he has had.

I feel like such a fool.

He is controlling and bullying type. The other day was accusing me of being passive aggressive so I looked it up and it was him that fitted the description.

No hope of reconciliation I am afraid.

AnyFucker Tue 03-May-11 00:12:40

so why is he still in your house ?

Sillyflower Tue 03-May-11 00:16:34

I have no idea?

It really makes no sense unless it's to torture me.

He was all gung ho about leaving then didn't go through with it cos of money.

Shit. I don't know. He is miserable living here too.

AnyFucker Tue 03-May-11 00:18:04

not too miserable to move out and camp on a mates sofa until the "June abode" comes through though ?

you are being used

HerHissyness Tue 03-May-11 00:19:10

Stuff. Bin bags. LAWN.

i do believe that's what I advocated last time, and there is even more reason now for him to go.

Who cares that he is not ready to leave?

he goes on cosy little dates with her and has the cheek to come home to your house? I don't think so.

Evenin' AF, is Pete down under then?? toppin up his tan?

Sillyflower Tue 03-May-11 00:19:40

I have tried to get him out.

He just gets angry and tells me to f**** off.

Then he does the i've got no friends and nowhere to go one.

I guess I keep backing off as I want to resolve things amicably and be on ok terms with him.

I will try again tomorrow.

AnyFucker Tue 03-May-11 00:19:58

Pete is history

I have a real tan now wink

AnyFucker Tue 03-May-11 00:20:58

why be amicable ?

is it the law ?

he is pissing you off mightily

roar, woman, for fucks sake

WhenwillIfeelnormal Tue 03-May-11 00:22:00

Can you link to your other thread?

You know the truth though don't you? He was having an affair and it has never stopped. Whatever he says doesn't matter - you know differently.

The porn doesn't surprise me in the least. There is a huge link between prolific porn use and infidelity; one addiction often breeds another, but the first addiction (to porn) doesn't go away. I expect you'll tell us that his true porn use was conducted secretly, hence there was already a culture of secrets and lies in your marriage. Eventually what happens is that the porn use becomes ever more extreme and as he became addicted to it, he started to need a stronger "hit" so when the chance came to enact his porn fantasies with a RL woman, he went for it. He was already used to keeping secrets from you, so the leap wasn't as great as it would be for a man who was open and transparent. He has also got used to seeing women treated as sex objects, so any empathy he might have once had for you has disappeared.

That's now this other woman's problem. I expect she doesn't know about his porn use either, but she does know he's a liar and a deceiver.

I hope you don't feel you need to keep this a secret, even if he does. You can tell anyone you like what really happened here and you should take all the support you can.

He's an especially cruel man not to move out and let you get on with your life. If he really won't go and you can't persuade his family to ask him to play fair and leave, then all you can do is to minimise the time you spend together in the house, do absolutely nothing for him while he remains and stop asking him any questions about his new life. He will only lie and it's beneath your dignity to snoop and continue to engage with him.

You don't need any proof of what has happened here. Settle on what is the obvious truth and if anyone in your circle or families contest it, tell them that you credited them with a bit more intelligence. He was having an affair and left to be with the OW. There is no other truth.

HerHissyness Tue 03-May-11 00:22:14

*hijack*

Oh AF, while I have you, SGB used a term today a beaut, cockstruck where our hero is so over-awed by prowess of tosser bloke, she will literally forgive anything... SGB said she thought it might have been one of your inventions or perhaps Expat?

#needtoknow #mustgetlife

HerHissyness Tue 03-May-11 00:23:40

Oh lord < straightens up> WWIFN's here.... better pay attention to her very wise words and stop pissing about. grin

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