How to be careful but not overcautious?

[BurntFingers]

Sorry if this is long. Changed name in case anyone from RL sees this . I divorced my exh 7 years ago when dd was tiny because he was controlling and emotionally and physically abusive. It took me a long time to even feel like I was coping with everything and since then I haven't really been interested in another relationship, had a couple of 'flings' with friends I already trusted but nothing even remotely serious and I wasn't looking.

Started a new job in Sept tho and got on really well with one of the blokes there but anything more than being friends still didn't even cross my mind, until we went on a weekend away (work related) and got on like a house on fire, then he asked me out afterwards. We've been dating just over a month now and I've feel completely blindsided by how well things are going. He seems very sweet, seems to adore me already, even gets on well with dd the little he's seen her (met her a couple of times before I knew he had any feelings for me, through having to meet up to do work stuff in half terms).

Part of me is really falling for him hard, but another part of me remembers how 'sweet' exh started, sucking me in with all the 'you're so fantastic, we're so perfect' type stuff and although there were tiny signs, it wasn't until we were married he became really horrible to me. Can't help feeling really wary - the new guy might really be everything he seems and genuinely thinks I'm brilliant, which of course would be nice, but he might be just another @rse. I'm trying not to get my hopes up OR suspect some wankerish intent in every gesture but it's so hard to find where the middleground is.

Suppose, after all that waffling, I'm asking if anyone has any tips, beside going slowly which I'm trying to do, on how to tackle a serious relationship after an abusive one?

[SpringchickenGoldBrass]

Just take your time. There is no need to rush into anything with this man. He may well be lovely, or he may not. But if something happens that makes you uneasy, talk to him about it, watch his reaction and remember that it's perfectly OK to back off, say no or disagree with him: if he minimizes something upsetting that has happened, or gets arsy when he doesn't get his own way, or you get indications that the lovelywuvey romantic stuff is mixed up with a lot of 'we don't need to go out, I'd rather stay in with yooooooooo' then it's worth backing a long way off.

[BitOfFun]

I second SGB. Take it easy, but don't automatically assume it's all going to shit. Sometimes nice things happen to good people.

[BurntFingers]

Thanks both of you - SGB, all the things you've said definitely ring massive bells for the way exh was, minimising everything that upset me and needing to have his own way and haven't seen any of that in new man, if anything he's over-concerned about what I want and keeping me happy, but suppose I'm just waiting for there to be something wrong. Thanks for pointing out the signs though, I'd take a massive step back if he ticked any of those boxes, think I'm still finding my way between trusting my instincts (which I failed to do with exh) and not being too suspicious.

Funny you mentioned the staying in, which again exh always used to do to 'spend time together' (convieniently cutting me off from everyone else too). New man has mild social anxiety, which used to be a lot more severe apparently (from being badly bullied at school, not any severe disorder), and doesn't always go out a lot besides work but hasn't hesitated to any time I've wanted to, even to meet a group of my friends which I thought he'd be too anxious to do, so that should probably be a good sign.

Need to take some deep breaths and see how it goes before expecting the worst, feels so new being treated well in a relationship