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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

A mess

14 replies

WhatonearthamItodonow · 24/04/2011 15:20

I don't know where to start - namechanged for this.

I am separated, basically been in an unhappy marriage for 10 years (married for 20) 2 DS (teenagers). Separated in February. Things are hard, I am in a tiny flat round the corner from the family home, he's being mega controlling but it doesn't affect me any more thank goodness.

There is another man, who is married. I have known him years but only acknowledged there was more in the last few months. He was not the reason for the breakup. He came to stay with me last week to see if it worked...and it did. So very well. His wife knew and gave her blessing - hoping it wouldn't work. Anyway now he is back (another country) and she is asking that he tells no one. Basically I think she hopes it will fizzle out if she waits. They have no DCs.

I feel shitty. I don't want to split them up but he says he is leaving anyway. I don't want to be a doormat. I want him so desperately..... He says he loves me and that he will be with me in June for good, but to be honest I am getting more and more skeptical.

Please don't flame me I have been sobbing for a week. I shouldn't even post this I suppose....

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littlemisslost · 24/04/2011 15:32

rebound??? loneliness??? vulnerability?? if they have no children and are unhappy why has he not left her already? I doubt he will to be honest and having him as a distraction is helping you deal with your separation and situation. I am in similar, see my thread. BUT I can see what you are doing and why

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Xales · 24/04/2011 15:34

You only acknowledged there was more in the last few months but left in
February erm that is only a few months so there must be more to this even if you don't think so.

You cannot tell after 1 week if it will work. You probably had amazing sex, were on your best behaviour, didn't leave your dirty pants around no skid marks in the toilet.

Who told you his wife knew and gave his blessing? In that few months which you have acknowledge there is more she has accepted, given him her blessing to spend a week shagging you? Wow amazing woman.

Perhaps you would be better spending time alone, getting used to being by yourself and being happy with yourself and not jumping from an unhappy for the last 10 years marriage to a married man from abroad?

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WhatonearthamItodonow · 24/04/2011 15:39

Xales - I dont want to listen to you but sadly there is a voice in my head I am trying to ignore and it is saying the same....

I doubt he will either and its just tearing me apart. She is an incredible woman - working on the let it go and if it loves you it will come back theory.

I am so wrong, I know I am....but it doesnt make it hurt less

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littlemisslost · 24/04/2011 15:48

//[[hugs]] I probably wouldnt want to let him go either in yor situation but I really think ( as I am trying to do myself) you/I need to time alone, NO man, just youre own company and time to work out what your are actually lookin for, and I am sure its not a married man!

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Xales · 24/04/2011 15:48

Of course it hurts.

Just take your time. You have just got your first glimpse of freedom from a shitty marriage and controlling man.

If this guy is meant to be it can happen in the future when he as decently broken up with the woman he is with. Not some sordid little holiday shag which is what this sounds like. Sorry.

Be kind to yourself, get out there and get something more in your life. If this man enhances it at a later date so be it. If he doesn't you will have built a happy life for yourself.

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WhatonearthamItodonow · 24/04/2011 15:53

you are both right I know you are...

I just need a kick up the bum. I have been waiting for years to be free of my dh and now I am its actually a rather lonely place. Probably just feeling sorry for myself.

Trouble is I found my soul mate. If he is right for me I guess that time will work it out

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Xales · 24/04/2011 16:03

He is not your soul mate. That is trite to try and make it sound like it is meant to be, fated and you both just couldn't resist. Read some more of this forum that excuse is trotted out time after time by selfish people who have affairs behind their partners back and then dump them. He is just one of the men out there that is compatible with you.

Or are you saying your soul mate is a man who is selfish enough to say to his wife I fancy Whatonearth I am going to go and spend a week shagging her to see if it works. If it does I will dump you, if it doesn't I will stay with you as second best.

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tvoffnowplease · 24/04/2011 16:12

Xales is right, not sure what your soul looks like if he is it's mate!

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WhatonearthamItodonow · 24/04/2011 16:57

Yeah probably my soul stinks too, thanks for that

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tvoffnowplease · 24/04/2011 17:03

no no no I'm trying to give you some perspective - he's obviously done a good number on you and it's easy to think that someone is your soul mate when youre in such a position but really.. if you think about it, is someone who would treat people like that really your soul mate????

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notoriginal · 24/04/2011 17:05

There's never an excuse for adultery and as the saying goes 'if they will cheat with you they will cheat on you'.

It never ceases to amaze me how people can live with themselves when their 'happiness' is born out of someone elses devastation.

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WhatonearthamItodonow · 24/04/2011 17:06

sorry didnt mean to snap....just it looks BLEAK from this direction. Trying not to wallow in self pity and trying to listen too..

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warzone · 24/04/2011 17:20

You have just come out of a 20 year marriage, you feel more lonely than you expected, you are living in diminished circumstances (presumably without your dc).

That's an extremely vulnerable set of circumstances. No wonder you're clinging onto the idea that this man is your 'soulmate'.

But just look at his behaviour. He is taking both you and his wife for a ride. How insulting to come and stay with you on a 'try before you buy' basis. And to keep his poor wife on the back burner while he makes up his mind! Frankly, I'm outraged. He could seem to be the loveliest, most charming and adorable man on the planet, but only his actual behaviour can stand testimony to his true character.

You are not ready for any kind of romantic relationship yet (except for perhaps on a very casual basis). You need to take stock of who you are and what you want. You need to learn to live with yourself and for yourself before you let another man in. Men like him can sense your weakness and vulnerability, and abuse it. When you have learned to stand on your own two feet, you'll be better able to make a judgement about prospective partners.

Sorry if that sounds harsh.

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WhatonearthamItodonow · 24/04/2011 17:35

Warzone - it IS harsh but no worse than I would say if I wasnt so bloody mixed up in this.

I am going away for a few days to my mums - she lives in the wilds of Cumbria and my dongle doesnt work and my phone has no signal. She will feed me gin and not judge - and I CAN'T contact him.

Maybe a bit of space - and mother driving me NUTS - will let me see reality more clearly