Does it ever get any better?

[Petsville]

I would be contemplating suicide but I can't do that to DH and DS.

I'm so tired. I haven't had an unbroken night since August last year. DS is still waking to feed twice a night. Everything hurts - back, shoulders, pelvis from SPD that hasn't gone away.

I don't know what to do with someone who wants constant entertainment but can't read and can't talk. The only light I can see at the end of the tunnel is when DS is old enough to go to school, and he's only 8 months old. I feel so sad for him having such a rotten mother.

I haven't any life left beyond work - I've met friends for the evening three times since Christmas, and on two of those evenings DH had to call me to come home because (breast-fed, bottle refusing) DS was howling inconsolably by 10.

DH adores DS, wants me to be happy and doesn't want to listen to me being miserable. So I'm on here. Please, someone, tell me it gets better eventually, or I'm going to end up walking out on a perfectly good marriage and my baby son for my own mental health. If it wasn't for work I'd go completely insane. I've got two weeks' holiday coming up and I'm dreading it.

[ExpatAgain]

poor you, it DOES get better, truly. What baby groups are there locally, check with your health visitor? Can you book a sitter to have some time off??

[FabbyChic]

Hi there, sorry things seem such a struggle, you sound depressed.

Have you talked to your doctor?

Is your baby getting enough food during the day? Have you tried upping his solids so that he requires less feeding of a night?

Can your partner not take some responsibility for the night feeds?

Sounds like you need a break.

[ExpatAgain]

i'd meant to add more but some interruptions.. Just to say, you sound rather desperate - anyone who can step in right now and give you a break esp at night so you can sleep? Your baby is 8 months old and will not starve if you go off for the day/night to family/friend, it really sounds like you need a break right now and then on-going support. Is your GP helpful at all? I'm thinking for help with sleep/mental health/SPD. IMHO your dh could do more to make you happy and to help you sleep (sleep deprivation is a form of torture after all!) - couldn't he have dc in a bedroom with him for at least a couple of nights and you sleep in another room with earplugs in?? Allow you to catch up. Just some thoughts, feels inadequate but hope it helps a little

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

It really does get better, but not without a lot of help at this point and perhaps some different choices.

Go to your GP to see whether it's possible you've got PND, speak to your Health visitor about feeding options, think about weaning your DS and consider alternative treatments for him (like cranial osteopathy) if he's a fretful baby and poor sleeper.

Most of all, get your H to persevere with soothing your son while you are out, because regular breaks and uninterrupted sleep every now and then make all the difference.

It might help you to think of your life as a pie-chart. This period is a really tiny portion of a long life and there will be enormous rewards ahead when your son starts walking, talking and feeding himself on solids. This won't go on forever, but while it does, you need to be kind to yourselves as parents and realise that this is a hellish time and you both need to pull together. You also need to give yourself permission to do things differently i.e. weaning earlier than you'd planned (but breastfeeding for 8 months is a hell of an achievement) and realising that this isn't a boot camp where this a reward for being the most miserable, tired new parent.

If you put yourself first occasionally and get a break, you will actually be helping your DS, because you will start to enjoy him more.

[Mumfun]

My DD didnt really sleep through for 11.5 months so know its hard.

1. try to socialise through the day at weekends - so you get some fun
   
2. at weekends if you arent socialising sleep in the afternoon and get H or other person to look after DS
   
3. get as much help as you can all round
   
4. at night get H or other person for a while to take child after you feed so you go back to sleep immediately and they look after /settle/change nappy of child
   
5. there are night nannies in the London area at least and I know one women whose sanity was saved by them but not an option for me
   
   When do you put DS to bed? what sleep pattern does he have? Why does he wake?
   
   How many days do you work?
   
   Just some questions that folk on here could help you more if clearer

[Petsville]

Sorry, been out all day. Thanks so much for replies.

HV is total waste of space, so no help there. I've asked for help with SPD but GP says no point till I stop breastfeeding. (It's not very severe, just twinges when I lift things, so I haven't pursued this one). I'm chasing a physio referral for the back problems.

Trust me, I would give up BF if I could, but DS simply won't take anything else: we did actually get as far as starving him to try to make him take a bottle just before I went back to work. We held out for 24 hours: he howled miserably for all but 6 of them, when he fell asleep exhausted, but wouldn't have anything to do with a bottle. We cracked rather than put him to bed hungry for a second night. We're working hard on getting him to drink from a cup, and he's pretty well there (feeds from a cup while I'm at work now, after a difficult few weeks when DH had to spoonfeed him), but I need some time off work to try and drop the night feeds because it's going to be hell and I can't leave DH to cope all day after being up all night. It's one of the things that are planned for my 2 weeks off. DS is doing well on solids, but it doesn't seem to have reduced the amount of milk he wants..

DS goes to bed at 7, wakes to feed usually once before midnight and once after, then wakes up for the day any time between 5 and 6.30: DH deals with him till 6.30 then I take over and do the morning feed before going to work.

DH is very supportive about the sleeping but can't take over the feeding because of the bottle problem. We're splitting the nights at the moment so we can both function: I have DS with me for the first half, then move him into DH's room after the first feed after midnight (so any time between midnight and 3). DS doesn't need settling or changing usually, he wakes to feed and goes back to sleep. DH can usually settle him if he wakes again between the second feed and being up for the day.

I work FT, DH is SAHD, so I don't really feel I can swan off and leave him doing all-day childcare at the weekend, since he's on his own all week. It's not as though he's getting any time off either: he gets to go to choir once a week, I do yoga once a week, and that's it for both of us. We don't have any family or close friends anywhere near (in London - all my close friends are at least an hour away).

I don't think I have PND, just sleep deprivation and aches and pains. I always knew I'd be rubbish at the baby stage: it's one of the reasons why I held out so long against DH's desire to have a baby. I'm just really struggling at the moment because it's been going on so long and nothing seems to be getting any better, and I want someone to tell me it will be OK earlier than DS going to school!

[indifferent]

I feel so sorry for you. In answer, YES, it gets better, much better, and quite quickly.

Keep going with the cup. I found that worked with my DC (same stubborness). Over the course of a week, give DS his night feeds from a cup and gradually dilute them. Once he is drinking only water, he will stop waking up.

I agree with posters above - call in all favours - TELL your friends/ family/ DH how you are feeling - and try to get some time out. Get your DH to drop baby at creche for a couple of hours twice a week or more (say, at the leisure centre, or at the local education college, or even church) and then you will feel less bad about asking him to give you a day off at the weekend which you def need.

Working FT and still BF and being up in the night is completely exhausting. You can't keep doing that. Once you stop, then life will seem completely different. Soon, your little one will be chatting with you and will entertain you more than anyone ever has before. Honest. I, like you, thought it would never end at the baby stage (also working FT and BFing and a baby who didn't sleep), and felt especially bad when other people refer to this as the "lovely baby stage"..... I was very lucky, my sister stepped in and took my DD to her house for five days at about 8 months which completely saved my sanity.

Good luck. BTW I have adored the whole mother bit after 15 months and am sure you will be the same.

[TheOriginalFAB]

I am a SAHM but still get a break at the weekend if I need one.

I had PND and am now on life long AD's.

You need to see a sympathetic GP and get advice on sleeping and feeding for your baby.

Honestly if it was just that you were in pain and knackered you would not be talking about suicide and walking out on your marriage and baby.

[Mumfun]

Yes it is so hard this stage and will get better soon. Def transition to water at night and he will stop waking so much.

I would also have said if you feel you have to keep BF can you do so lying down - this was a lifesaver for me as you just sleep beside baby - feed them when they wake and just sleep again when they ve fed. For some people they dont wake -it all just happens. May not be for you but gave me so much rest.

Does your DS not drink anything in the day when you are at work? It could be that he isnt getting enough to drink in the day and thats why he looks for it at night. They can also get into a pattern of it just being nice to wake up at night and see mummy and get some yummy milk so thats where the water thing comes in but theyve got to be drinking enough the rest of the day for it to work.

You say relatives arent near - but could someone come visit and help for a weekend?

[Petsville]

Thanks again for helpful comments. I don't rule out the possibility of PND, but how awful I feel does seem to be directly related to how much sleep I've had - DS was feeding every two hours all night for six weeks between 16 and 22 weeks, and I really thought I was going to fall apart altogether. It's not quite as bad as that now I'm not getting up so much: it's just that it feels such a treadmill and I've rather given up hope of an improvement. Till he was 6 months I kept kidding myself that there was hope of things getting better soon.

I've never managed to get the knack of BF lying down, although I haven't really tried very hard because I sleep so badly when DS is in the bed with me that I'm better off getting out of bed and feeding him.

I think he's getting plenty to drink during the day: he has water with all his meals as well as formula milk. At weekends and holidays I BF during the day but that doesn't seem to make a difference to how much he feeds at night.

DH's mother would really like to help, and is amazingly good for her age but she is very old and getting more frail (while fighting against the decline all the way), so we can't ask her to do all that much as she's not physically up to lifting DS now. My mother likes having a grandson to play with but doesn't actually want to do any work, so I wouldn't ask: having her to stay creates work for us rather than removing it. None of our siblings have children so they wouldn't be much help.

[topsi]

It maybe a harsh view but at 8 months your baby should be able to go through the night with no feeds. At this age I did controlled crying and after 2-3 nights of hell he started to sleep through.
I know this method is not every ones kettle of fish but it did work. You need to stick to your guns though and both you and DH need to be in agreement as to what the plan would be.

[Mumfun]

I felt awful with no sleep -it can get you down terribly so I would be surprised if it wasnt that.

Some people share the view an 8 month old should go through night -others say not. DD slept through one night at about 5 months, then a heat wave came like now and she was so thirsty that she started wanting more drinks again - not surprising.

I think one feed is a good first step. If you could get him on one feed on the cup and offer water the other he should move to that by not bothering with the water. Then H could get up the one time (you getting full nights sleep :)) and you could then think of moving to no feeds a night.

You are not alone - there are a lot of kids out there who dont automatically sleep through the night. It will get better and you are doing amazingly to work and be up at night as well.

[Petsville]

Thanks, Mumfun. I don't feel I'm doing amazingly, or even competently - I feel I'm messing up my work, which I used to be good at, because I'm so tired, and I'm doing this whole new job that I have no aptitude for at all - like waking up one morning and suddenly finding I've got to be a marine biologist. It's not good for the confidence.

Thanks very much for the advice: will try replacing one night feed with water and see how we get on. I'm sure if I could just get enough sleep everything else would feel more manageable. I keep telling myself I don't have to be a great mother, I just have to be an OK one, but I don't feel I'm even managing to be OK in my present shattered state. It's nice to know I'm not the only one finding this bit really hard.