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Relationships

Nightmare Dating, scarey mean man

40 replies

SpongeBobTrianglePants · 22/04/2011 19:35

Was seeing a man for around 6 months. He is divorced, his wife left the family home and he stayed with his two children. He actually has three kids but one is away at uni.
The relationship between us was really good, we talked, had loads in common, saw each other regularly and he was kind and considerate towards me. I noticed early on however that he spoke much more about his youngest child than the other two. Eldest two are girls, the youngest a boy. He is extremely proud of the boy, goes on about him all the time, bigs him up constantly and takes great delight in sharing his acheivements with me. The boy is 10. He occasionally mentions the eldest child at uni but rarely talks about the middle child who lives with him. When I went to visit his house one night I noticed that the boy had trophys and certificates and photos everywhere. There was very little evidence of the middle child even existing! He showed me around his house. It was very nice but it also struck me that the young boy had the large, attic bedroom and it was all kitted out in the latest gadgets and new furniture. The middle child (girl aged 16) was in a smaller bedroom with nothing more than a bed and a chest of drawers and an old TV/DVD player combi.

Anyway two months ago I met his youngest children for the first time when he invited me around to dinner. The young boy was showcased ALL night and it was constant "hey show her how you do -- and show her - oh and watch him do ---- " it got a bit tiresome after a bit tbh but I stayed polite and made a fuss of the lad (who to be fair seemed like a lovely boy if not a little full of himself!). The 16 year old seemed quite shy but made an appearance to be polite. She said hello etc and she seemed lovely. DP however wasn't very nice to her at all. He took the piss out of her hair, asked her if her room was tidy yet and laughed when the young lad started ripping the piss out of her clothes. DP then turned around to me and said "she's a wierd one, all emo and stuff" to which she replied "actually, it's called not being a sheep and I'm not emo, that was 5 years ago" DP and his son then laughed together and she sighed and went upstairs. 5 minutes later DP went upstairs, the boy followed with great delight and then came running back downstairs to tell me that his sister was in a world of trouble for showing her dad up and was in the process of being told off and was crying!!!! Shock

Anyway a week later we went out with my son. He was ok at first but then started going on to my son about joining his rugby club and questioned him when he said he didn't like rugby. He then said "ah DS will toughen you up when you meet him". I told him that DS didn't need toughening up and he was fine as he was etc. He made out I was over-reacting and taking him too seriously.

I gave it one more chance involving the kids meeting each other (stupid I know). This again started off ok, they were at the park, boys running off going wild and his poor DD tagging along behind us. I tried to involve her by asking what she was listening to on her ipod and he interupted her answer by telling me "oh you don't want to know!" he then told her off for being ignorent and ordered that she put the ipod away. Her eyes filled up and he dragged her aside and had a major go at her about showing him up and mentioned she had been warned before they came out. I was feeling really uncomfortable at this point and started to make excuses to leave but the kids were hungry and I agreed to get something to eat. His ds then started going on about DS being a total wuss and that he nearly had him crying etc. I said "well that isn't nice, is it?" to which DP burst in with "You wern't nearly crying, were you?! he's a tough lad! he'll be catching up to you soon DS, he might have you crying one day!" ???? DP took the lads to the toilet and I was left with his DD. She said to me at this point " you'll hate him too if you spend enough time with him". She said it in a jokey way but I think she meant it. Made me wonder what her mother had gone through.

I apologised to DS for the whole thing later and I've not replied to this man's calls or texts since. I'm so angry for that poor girl and wonder what the hell he did to his wife. How on earth do you get over a disaster like this and get back into dating?? This was the first "relationship" I had since the breakup of my marriage and tbh it's put me right off.

OP posts:
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notoriginal · 22/04/2011 19:42

What a tosser. Poor kid (teenager) well done you for dumping his sorry arse. Think you're right to wonder why his wife left.

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davidtennantsmistress · 22/04/2011 19:43

you will do - but steer well clear of this clearly abusive man.

for now spend time with your son, heal your self & realise that you deserve the very best as does your lad.

feel sorry for the girl. man sounds like a chauvinistic pig.

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hester · 22/04/2011 19:49

Well done you for picking up all these signs and getting the hell out of there. A good call.

I feel so sorry for his children.

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lubeybooby · 22/04/2011 19:54

I would have to give him and email or letter completely picking his charachter and treatment of dd to bits before I could leave it. Otherwise nothing is going to change for that girl.

I would be polite but couldn't just say nothing.

Poor kid

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OrangeBernard · 22/04/2011 19:57

I'd be tempted to call ss

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therealmrsbeckham · 22/04/2011 20:06

I agree with lubeybooby I would have to tell him exactly why I wasn't going to be seeing him anymore.

The worry is that he will blame his DD for your breakup rather than his own vile, abusive behaviour.

Well done for seeing the signs and getting you and your DS out.

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mathanxiety · 22/04/2011 20:13

I'm with OrangeBernard. At least call their schools if you know them. Sad

No matter what you say to him, the DD is going to get it both barrels so I wouldn't bother offering any explanation that involves his behaviour. He is not interested in anything but domination.

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FabbyChic · 22/04/2011 20:14

You need to tell him that the contrast between his sons room and his daughters speaks volumes, and you hate the fact he actually picks on his daughter and takes the piss out of her.

Tell him you couldn't see yourself being with a bully, and a tormentor.

You need to tell him rather than ignore him.

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SpongeBobTrianglePants · 22/04/2011 20:17

I darnt tell him why, he'll blame it all on her. I just feel so sorry for her, how can you show such blatent favouritism like this? She's left school now and I don't think there is much point in calling the lads school, as far as they can see he is a devoted dad with a happy, healthy son who is good at everything! The lad is also obsessed with his dad and goes on and on about how brilliant he is, even telling me a story of how his dad beat up someone who had broken into their shed and he tells me as though he's so proud!

OP posts:
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OrangeBernard · 22/04/2011 20:18

Aren't ss responsible for her until she's 18?

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girliefriend · 22/04/2011 20:25

What a nightmare, horrible for the dd.

I think you sound really nice and I am sure a nice normal chap will turn up when the time is right!

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lubeybooby · 22/04/2011 20:31

To horriddad

Just thought I might let you know why I won't be having anything further to do with you. Now, don't you dare blame your dd or be nasty to her over this, it's nothing she has said or done just from what I have witnessed myself

Your treatment of her is appalling, being nasty to and ignoring her, taking the mickey out of her, encouraging your son to do the same, all while making a bigger thing of your ds too just to make it worse. It's all very unfair and I think you have a lot of making up to do. Take a good long look at yourself, mate.

That is all, from __

Not that exact wording, more polite/tactful maybe but you get the idea.

I just couldn't leave it. I would have said something at the time tbh. But definitely couldn't just leave it.

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mathanxiety · 22/04/2011 20:31

Poor girl has no life. What does she do with herself if she's left school? Any way you could keep in touch with her? Throw her some sort of lifeline without jeopardising things for her?

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farkthatforagameofsoldiers · 22/04/2011 20:42

I think you should send that email. I really do. Give the fucker something to think about. Is there any way you could let the dd know that you noticed something and the way he treats her is not right? The reason I say that is that I have heard many times that even one positive interaction with an adult telling an abused child how fab they are can have a massive impact on their self esteem for life and is something they can think of when things are bad. I had an aunt that I saw rarely but she was always so kind to me, would talk to me properly and would do girly things with me that my Mum never would, she always made such an effort with me when I did see her that it made a huge difference to how I saw myself. I know you cant have that level of input but I just think a few kind words would let her see how wrong he is to treat her like that.

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crystalglasses · 22/04/2011 20:48

If you don't want to heads up the difference in his treatent of his ds and dd you could email him and say what a lovely dd he has and that she is a daughter to be proud of. That would at least show that you thought a lot of her.

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OrangeBernard · 22/04/2011 20:49

Id be worried about the consequences for his daughter if you send an e-mail.

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stripeywoollenhat · 22/04/2011 20:56

he's a pig, the ds will grow up to be a pig, i wouldn't bother trying to communicate this to him because you're only a woman and he won't hear it. i would try very hard to let the dd know that you think she is lovely and he is vile. it'll help her.

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mablemurple · 22/04/2011 20:57

Pity any future partner of the son Sad.

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tallwivglasses · 22/04/2011 21:03

The DD will be on Facebook. Maybe send her a message? You've had a lucky escape OP.

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plupedantic · 22/04/2011 21:05

And don't forget to mention how you did not like the way he was threatening your own DS. Perhaps that would give you a way to tell him off about the way he treats his daughter, without making his daughter the focus of anything (which, as you say, could make her more of a target).

Poor girl. Poor your DS. What a wanker of a man. Well done for dumping.

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SlightlyJaded · 22/04/2011 21:12

It is a hard one because you don't want the DD to be a scapegoat (again). But I don't think a soul has ever stood up for her in all her life. For whatever reason, she is not living with her mother, so it would seem that it has fallen to a 'stranger' to fight her battle for her.

I know you are risking her getting a mouthful from him, but I honestly don't think I could leave things knowing how miserable she is and what kind of demeaning behaviour she is being subjected to.

Send him a note that clearly states that the DD said/did nothing to 'embarrass him' but your own observation of the disparity has shocked and upset you.

And more importantly if you can, do what a poster upthread suggested and throw the girl a lifeline.

I know it's easier to walk away, and you don't want your DS involved any more than he already has been, but your heart and instinct is telling you that this poor girl needs someone to look out for her, and as things stand, you haven't mentioned anyone else who might fit that bill.

Unless there is an Aunt or someone?

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adamschic · 22/04/2011 21:12

I wouldn't communicate with him anymore but would send a friendly email to tell his DD how much you enjoyed meeting her. Poor girl. I wonder why she isn't living with her mum. Also how did it take you 6 months to find out his true character. You should have found out more about him before you got involved.

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ShoutyHamster · 22/04/2011 21:13

That poor poor girl.

Is her mother around for her at all? It's not clear from your posts - does she have contact with her? I know it's probably a totally inappropriate thing to say and goodness knows what the poor woman went through, but HOW could she leave her daughter with him knowing what he was like-?!

So glad you are not seeing him again. I agree that saying anything to him would probably backfire on the DD...but is there any, any way you could contact her and let her know that you were pleased to have met her and that you thought she was lovely and very mature, something along the lines of 'I have a feeling that you will be destined for success and happiness once you grow up and spread your wings, you are clearly a lovely, strong young woman with your own individual personality' -?

Just SOMETHING positive for her to carry inside. What farkthat says about encouragement from an adult is so so true. A word from someone like you, an adult she hardly knows, could make a real difference to her, with the battering her self-esteem must be taking.

Poor girl :(

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mablemurple · 22/04/2011 21:17

That's a bit off, adamschic, how else could she have found out what his interaction with his son and daughter was like without witnessing it?

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adamschic · 22/04/2011 21:22

OP has been dating him for 6 months. I would have wanted to meet him in a domestic setting well before thinking of him as my DP.

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