brain damage and sometimes abusive partner

[crufts]

Hello, I would really appreciate advice from everyone about my relationship. My DP was badly brain damaged as a teenager (car crash). He is fine most of the time and you wouldn't really know there was anything wrong with him, maybe just a bit eccentric IYKWIM. The accident was a long time ago and he has never had a proper long term relationship because he finds it difficult emotionally.

I have known him for ages and have been seeing him for the last 3 years. I love him very much. The problem is when he drinks or gets stressed. He can become very emotionally abusive, i.e. call me names, tell me he wants other women, storm off home early, dump me etc. If he is drunk he sometimes phones me to be abusive. He has pushed me once but didn't actually hurt me. At other times he is loving and attentive.

He always apologises afterwards and we obviously avoid drinking together, but the episodes of abuse really upset me. I worry that they are damaging my self esteem because I feel so down afterwards. I do believe that it is his brain damage that causes him to act badly, it is like he becomes another person. We don't live together and never i will - I am happy with that.

I would like to know what other people think about this, maybe some of you are in a similar situation. I feel like my head is messed up and I don't know whether to stay in the relationship but I would be heart broken if we split up.

[TimeForMeIsFree]

I personally would advise you not to use the brain damage as an excuse for his abusive behaviour, he apologies afterwards which says to me that he knows what he is doing to you is wrong.

You can be absolutely certain that this relationship is affecting your self esteem and if I were you I would be leaving it behind, life is too short for this and you deserve better.

[dizietsma]

He only does it when stressed or drunk? Not the brain damage, it's an excuse emotional abuse. If he did it randomly at all different kinds of times then it might be the brain damage.

Ask you GP if you don't believe us.

[YesWhat]

Better a broken heart than broken self esteem, crufts.

He acts this way when he's been drinking and you think it's the brain damage? Do you not think the drink is the catalyst? And I get stressed without managing to treat someone like shit.

The brain damage is a red herring. He has no desire to improve his behaviour, or he would've done by now. He is happy to take it out on you because you accept his apologies.

Run for the hills, I would.

[Eurostar]

If he cared enough about you he would do something to stop the drinking. No one has to drink, there's no excuse for him to carry on with a behaviour that causes pain to others if he wants others in his life.

[Thistledew]

If it is the brain damage, and it is only triggered when he drinks, then he will care enough for you to give up drinking.

If he is not prepared to give up drinking, then I am afraid he does not really care about your feelings, and the abusive behaviour is part of his nature.

Even if his behaviour is only caused by the drink, he is still choosing to behave in that way to you by choosing to drink.

[crufts]

Thanks everyone. Yes, I know drink is a catalyst and he drinks a lot less now and never when we are together. He admits that drink is a major problem. I have read the Bancroft book on emotional abuse and obviously I do worry he is using the brain damage as an excuse to be abusive.

He is sometimes abusive or distant even if he hasn't been drinking and acts like this with his friends and family too, it's not just me. It seems to come and go, almost like a personality change. I have heard that he was nothing like this before the accident, that he was basically a different person. If he did stop drinking, I think he would still have the mood swings. Really don't know what to do because we are so close and most of the time things are fine. I don't really know anyone else with brain damage, so it's hard to know what to expect.

[LilQueenie]

sounds like drink is the catalyst which means he is in control of that part at least. Has he ever used the brain damage as an actual excuse and has he ever had help/counselling to cope with it. It is possible to learn to control this behaviour when caused by head injury. Thing is if he is not willing to try then he cant use it as an excuse.

[crufts]

He always uses the brain damage as an excuse. The accident was years ago and he never had any kind of counselling but he has read a lot about it. He seems to have a good understanding of the way his brain works and he tries very hard to control how he acts. It's like something just flips at times. That's why it's so hard, because he does seem to try. I want to stay with him but I just worry about how it will affect me in the long term and there's always the small doubt that he's really a bastard, being on MN has made me aware of how devious people can be!

[TimeForMeIsFree]

The bottom line is that he is abusive whether that be as a result of the brain damage or not. So do you sacrifice your happiness and possibly your safety because he says the brain damage is what causes him to lash out at you?

How does he behave towards other people? Does he display the same traits when dealing with his parents of co workers as he does towards you? Can he control himself in front of other people?

[beingsetup]

If he cared about you he would stop drinking....

[LilQueenie]

it could also be he has a good understanding of how his brain works and feeling sorry for himself uses that info to play on it. My partners brother is like this. Very much able to understand things but has massive violent meltdowns when nothing goes his way. Then later plays on the injury to get sympathy. Sympathy only goes so far. Long term for me it has literally broke up a family. My partner cant see his parents because he lives with them. All because of his behaviour. I want to leave because of it but thats not fair on my partner. I understand your predicament.

[bemybebe]

Firstly regarding brain damage. There are different types of brain damage and some (to the frontal lobe) can impact person's ability to inhibit undesirable behaviors. Depending on the extend of the damage/age/rehab it can with time go away completely or be limited to times of extreme stress. Brain damage should have been documented (for example with the help MRI scans) and if it is a trusting relationship I would expect him to be upfront with you and give you access to this documentation. Does he see a neurologist? If it was a long time ago he may not, but if yes, maybe he will allow you to meet him/her together to go through what actually happened/consequences and ways to deal with it. It would be very helpful to you.

Secondly regarding his attitude to the situation. Nothing he can do about the stress, but he should be completely off any drink if he respects you and wants to be with you. IF what he says is true and it is not an excuse for poor behavior, you should get as much advice/read as much as you can yourself. It can be bloody hard work and I know it from experience. I would not change my past choices for the world, but you should be realistic about it and make your own decisions.

[garlicbutter]

Brain damage certainly can cause personality changes and unpredicatble behaviour shifts. If you were waiting to see if a recent injury might settle, or he had a brain illness that could heal, there's be a strong argument for toughing it out. But that's not the case. Whether the accident caused a personality change or not, the simple fact is that this is who he is now.

I don't think it's wise for you to stay in a relationship that undermines your self-worth,.

[crufts]

lilqueenie, is your partners brother brain damaged too? I think that is my main fear, that he's using his brain damage to get away with stuff.

Bemybebe, yes it's frontal lobe and the left side too. No scans, it was long ago, but he saw them at the time and told me the damage was fairly extensive - I think he could see the dead bits of brain? He doesn't see a neurologist but has been thinking of maybe doing so as he worries his brain damage is getting worse as he gets older. He as improved hugely over the years, but he still has issues. He is probablly better over all for longer periods, but worse when he is bad, if that makes sense. Is your DP brain damaged, if you don't mind me asking?

We do speak about it a lot (what actually happened and how it affected his life) and he suggested the other day that I try to read a bit more about it to get a better understanding.

He can be the same with workmates, friends and family, this is what makes me think it is the brain damage because i've read that abusers are more likely to only abuse their partners. Sometimes he will say something awful and then look totally shocked that he's said it.

[LilQueenie]

yes he is after a car accident at 3yrs old. He used to hit my partner and try to control him. His parents also believed all the lies he made up too. unfortunately they still do and blame it on the illness! He absolutely hates me because I stand up to him. Brain damage or not there is no need to allow anyone to be abusive. He's also like this with his elderly parents. The only people he wont get abusive with is authority figures which makes me think he is putting it on at times.

[garlicbutter]

You seem to be looking for some kind of judgment on whether it's reasonable of you to feel unhappy in your relationship. That isn't the point, you know? Your concern ought to be whether being attached to him is good for you.

Can I remind you of the stories that hit the papers sometimes, where a head injury causes a complete reversal in somebody's personality? On occasions where a previously horrid person becomes super-nice, and their partner cancels their dovorce petition, we all feel happy don't we? We don't say "Oh, she should divorce him anyway because it's only the brain injury making him nice!" Well, the same is true in reverse - it doesn't matter what caused it, the facts are what he is now.

You're not obliged in any way, shape or form to excuse behaviour that upsets you. You're not required to justify yourself, explain your feelings or make allowances. Will it help you to ask, simply, whether you feel you're compatible?

[bemybebe]

My dh's brain was cut off the oxygen during a very difficult heart op (congenital valve deformed), suffered general hypoxia (lack of oxygen) and extensive brain damage in various parts, including frontal. We were together for 2 years prior to this and dare I say he was the nicest, gentlest person I have ever met. Brain damage changed that. After a month in coma and coming round he became at times intolerant - swearing at me and his dcs, he could not do much physical damage as he could not coordinate his right side (his left was paralysed) but I think he might want to throw things around. Fast forward 10 years and he is back to his nicest self. He learned to control and understand his behavior, but it was not easy. 10 years of hard work on his part and dare I say it on his children and mine as well. I did not give up because I love him a lot, but I would never criticize anyone for walking away, I was very close several times. He had to learn and alter a lot of his new 'natural' reactions, to learn how to live with people who he wanted to be around day in day out. He had to accept that things were different, he was different and he needed to adjust to new reality.

Your dp has to do the same and without this commitment it won't work and only you can make this call 'is it worth it?'.

[LilQueenie]

There is an organisation called headway. They have a website. Perhaps that will be of some use to you.

[colditz]

brain damage CAN affect behavior and self control, really quite badly. I have dealt with grown adults having temper fits because they have finished a packet of crisps and didn't want them to be finished. Obviously this is more severe than what you are dealing with, but it does happen.

However.

Everyone has the right not to be abused. he does not have the right to behave like this, he must go to ocunselling and learn to control himself more effectively than he is currently doing or your relationship does not stand a chance.

[colditz]

headway

The headway people are lovely, they really are, and very very understanding.

[crufts]

Thanks, going to have a look at the headway site just now.

[deste]

I work in a brain injury unit a couple of days a week and the brain injury could have changed his personality. Do you have a Momentum anywhere near you? They do sessions each week tailored to the person and the injury. I would highly recommend he goes to see them. A large majority of brain injured clients do improve and go back to work etc. I dont want to give you any advice because I dont have the medical experience to do so.

[deste]

Momentum Brain Injury Unit. that should have read.

[squeakytoy]

Do you get on well with his family? Does he give them abuse at times too. How do they cope with his behaviour?