DB and SIL having real problems - anything I can do or should I just stay out?

[comtessa]

My DB and SIL have been married for 4.5 years, no DC.
SIL doesn't want children to date. DB does. Not sure whether this had been discussed before marriage or whether it's a recent decision for SIL.
My mum had mentioned that things were difficult between them, about a month ago.
A few weeks ago SIL offered to come early to my birthday party to help me get things ready. Lovely. She then told me how unhappy she was and all the things that are wrong with her marriage and with my brother. Felt like she was trying to get me on side. We get on well but aren't close and I was surprised at her calling me out the blue to offer to come over.
Called DB a day or so later (NB all seemed okay on the surface at my birthday party, both attended). Explained to DB that SIL had spoken to me and all I had done was listen as didn't want DB to think I had stuck my oar in if SIL started saying "Your DS agrees with me" or similar.
DB told me that things have been bad for about 18months, that they hadn't had sex for about a year, he was really upset (inwardly) when I said I was PG as he felt he would never have children with SIL. He doesn't know what to do. They talk and talk and nothing he says makes any difference. Sometimes he comes home and SIL starts throwing things at him and sometimes all over him.
In my (inexpert) opinion, it sounds like she is having serious emotional/mental health issues. She's quit her job without having one to go to (which puts more financial strain on DB, and therefore their marriage) where she disliked her boss and it almost seems like she's transferred that resentment onto DB instead.
DB won't talk to anyone outside of family as he feels this is a private matter. SIL is talking to all their friends about how unhappy she is. Bills are being paid on credit cards etc and it just seems like she's digging herself into a pit of her own making. DB loves her and wants to make the marriage work.

I really want to help in some way but just don't know that I can, which feels awful. Any advice gratefully received.

[comtessa]

Bump.

[HerHissyness]

I think she needs more than a friendly ear, she perhaps needs to go and see the Dr.

DB needs help, SIL clearly needs help. The job sounds like it's got more to do with the dreadful state of affairs between her and him, as it seemingly pre-empted it.

If there is no money, paying bills on CC is going to create a problem all on it's own.

This is too big a problem to be dealt with 'in-house' they need GP help and potentially Relate.

[Niceguy2]

I agree. Things are serious and they need help. However I do wonder if its too little too late.

Some of the behaviour above reminds me of my ex whom I lived with for about the same length of time. The only difference is it was me who talked whilst she bottled everything up. With the benefit of hindsight, I look back now and think that at some point her feelings for me changed. But her parents loved me, I was the only dad her young kids ever knew and I'd not done anything "wrong" if you see what I mean. It's not like I'd accidentally shagged someone or beat her.

So without a decent "reason" to finish things, I think she just bottled things up and her resentment towards me just grew until the relationship went past the point of no return. By the time I admitted defeat and enlisted the help of her parents, I'd given up. I didn't want to make it work anymore. I was too tired.

Now time has passed, I'm glad we went our separate ways. I clearly wasn't the one for her and life's too short. I hope she has found someone who can make her happy since I obviously couldn't.

So whilst I think you should encourage your DB to seek help, it's really down to your SIL to want to get help. Otherwise you may want to prepare your DB for the inevitable divorce. And if that's the case it's better to do it sooner rather than later.

[NotQuiteCockney]

As your SIL is talking to you lots, can you maybe gently point her in the direction of therapy? She could get some on the NHS, at least, maybe?

Her throwing things at your DB is not ok - I'm hoping it's tissues and stuffed animals, not plates and knives?

[comtessa]

Thanks all. I agree that I think my SIL needs help to work out whether the problems in the marriage are resulting from her taking out resentment on my brother, or whether it really is the marriage.
I am married now but divorced my first husband so am trying to support my brother in that if they do get divorced then it is horrible, but it's better than being in a loveless marriage.

DB won't consider Relate at this stage, not least because they live in a town where they know people who work for Relate. I also think at this stage it might not be helpful as in SIL's current state she might use these sessions to attack DB in other ways.

Things thrown: furniture etc. If the genders were reversed, it would really be counted as DV. I mean, it is DV, and really hard for DB but he says he can cope. I don't know that he can but I can't force him to do anything. Also it's his house that she moved into.
I just keep calling him every few days and asking how things are.

Thanks, will try and steer SIL in direction of therapy. She's taking some herbal anti-depressants now, didn't want to go on GP waiting list. Can't afford private sessions. Hmm. Perhaps I should offer to pay for therapy sessions?

Thanks, just helps to get it all down in black and white.

[HerHissyness]

Herbal stuff won't touch the sides, she has a bigger problem than that. She needs ADs now I would say and an emergency referral. You can get part funded therapy.