How do you move on as I can't?

[queencat]

hi some of you may know my background. My partner walked out on me and the kids last year in may. I've name changed several times since.

It's now almost a year since be has been gone, he is in another relationship, she has met turnouts our house is now on the Market.

But I still don't get better. I miss himsveryday, I cry every day I'm filled with so much resentment against this new girl. I don't love him one ounce less than I did the day he walked out.

I just want him back even though he has been vile to me on plenty of occasions I feel like I could forgive him anything I just want my life back. I can never see myself moving on and with someone else. I know I need too but don't know how.

I have been very close to suicide and have self harmed I just am not coping.

Please help me.

[mpops]

I'm just bumping your thread because you sound so sad. I wish there was something useful I could say.

Have you taken some active steps towards recovering, like counselling, or are you finding it too hard to motivate yourself to do anything? How are you children coping?

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow]

I can thoroughly recommend attending this workshop.

www.drw.org.uk/

It saved my sanity.

Maybe even my life.

[ChickensHaveNoEyebrows]

Oh queencat :( You sound so very unhappy. I can understand you not wanting to move on because you still love him, but ultimately you have to. To put it bluntly, he has. You can and will be happy again. First things first, is there anyone you can talk to about how you feel?

[queencat]

I find it very difficult because it has been a year. And I know people think I should be fine or getting better but I am just as sad as the day he left.

[AKissIsNotAContract]

Second the divorce recovery workshop. My mum did it when she divorced.

[venusandmars]

QC - there is no 'should' about it, please do not compare yourself with other people. Your heart is YOUR heart and it will take its own time to heal.

However, I wonder if there's any way that you can think properly about what it is you a really sad for. Are you sad for the things you actually HAD (and would have now - i.e. a man who did not love enough to want to stay), or are you sad for the dream of what might have been? These two things are different.

My situation was very different to yours, but for a long time before my ex and I split up, I stayed because I 'loved' him so much. Now many years later I can see that part of that was because I had tied up my own self-worth within that dream of 'us being together'.

I really do recommend that you look around for something like the drw, which will give you a chance to think about your own feelings and needs and life.

[FabbyChic]

I am so sorry you are going through this, is there anybody you can talk to in real life? Someone close?

You have to move on for the sake of your sanity, it will be hard, it will take time, but you have to.

He has gone now and he shall not be returning, time for you to try to rebuild your life if you can.

[teahouse]

I know this sounds odd but have you tried putting some time aside each day to think about him. This way you still allow yourself time to think about him, but slowly you should find the rest of your day can be 'normal' as you know that say 6pm or 9pm is thinking about him time. Eventually you may be able to make it every other day, once a week, then once a month and so on.

Good luck, and I'd see the GP about the self-harm - I'm sure they will be able to put you in touch with someone about this.

[queencat]

He fills almost all my thoughts even when I'm at work, I'm wondering about him and what I did.

When we are together it seems so natural to me then we go our separate ways. I'm on anti depressants but the doctor did not consider me high risk for counselling.

If there was a switch that I could flick that would turn off my feelings then I would do it. I have tried dating other people but my heart just isn't in it.

I will look into the workshop. I just can't understand how he can get over us so quickly I just feel utterly worthless.

[whatistheanswer]

queencat, this is really sad, and i have been in a similar position. you need to find something else to think about that will replace thinking about him. everytime you catch your thoughts straying to him, think of something like a fantasy of another person that may one day be your perfect partner. you need to break what has became a habit. not easy, i know.

[Conflugenglugen]

Counselling, or therapy. If you find a counsellor or therapist that you gel with, it can be helpful at the very least, life-changing at best. Many therapists offer concessionary rates. I'd check the BACP and UKCP websites to find someone in your area, and ask what they would charge you.

You can move on. It's really hard, and right now it might be impossible to imagine it - but it is absolutely do-able.

[venusandmars]

QC, you say you think about him and 'you're wondering what you did'. That sounds like you imagine that the whole thing is your fault. Sorry QC, but however lovely and sweet you are, you're just not that powerful - none of us are. Any relationship is a complicated mixture of the minute choices that two people are making day to day, minute by minute, and second by second. You can be responsible for what you feel, think and do, but you cannot be responsible for what anyone else thinks, or feels or does.

If someone chooses not to remain in a relationship, then there is nothing that the other can do to make them stay. There are things that you can do that make it more difficult for the to leave - to make them feel more guilty, to make them feel conflicted about the choice they are making, but QC, I don't think that that is what you would have wanted to do to a person that you love. It is not your fault that he left. You might feel like that, but it is not true.

Take all the time you need to grieve for your lost love, and Please, please speak to someone in real life about this. There are better ways of dealing with your pain than self-harming.

[Anniegetyourgun]

I wonder if it's the "if only" that's stopping you moving on, the belief that you could have done, maybe still could do, something to change history. Trouble is, it's very unlikely that it's about you at all. It's all about him, and if he doesn't want to do the decent thing, you can't make him.

WhenWillIFeelNormal gives excellent advice on here, and one of the most useful things she says is that when partners have affairs it is not usually what you did or failed to do that caused it; it is what your partner did, or rather did not do, in terms of investing in the relationship. I think it's fair to extend this to partners who walk away from their families (anyway if this woman or another one wasn't on the scene before he left I'll be very surprised, no matter what he claims). He did not invest enough in the relationship, thus he found it easy enough to walk away. You, on the other hand, put everything into it and that is why you have a huge feeling of loss.

Please, let go of the guilt and the feelings of failure. It's long past time you got angry at a weak, selfish man who left a loving family and then treated you badly, as if you were the one who had done something wrong. Despise the other woman if you must, as she was selfish and/or stupid enough to accept a man who was with someone else, but he's the one who did the walking out. Anger is the next stage of healing, but yours is all turned inwards. It wasn't your fault. You deserve love; start loving yourself!

[queencat]

Everyone tells me I should be angry at him but I don't feel anger I just feel sad. If I was angry I think it would be easy I just feel utter despair.

Sometimes the pain gets so bad I just think it would be easier to end it all then I wouldn't have to deal with knowing he has an amazing life without me. But I could never do that to my children.

[Anniegetyourgun]

You don't feel anger because you continue to believe that it was down to you. It wasn't. He did the dirty on you because he's a dirty-doer. How you start to really believe that in your heart of hearts, though, I don't know. I second the suggestions of counselling/therapy, although it isn't a magic wand it can help you to a new perspective.

[teahouse]

Just because he is in another relationship and is selling the house doesn't mean he is having a fantastic new life; doubtless he has his issues but he's not to tell you about them.
My ex married his long-time OW, and they have a 6 or 7 year old child, a huge house, multiple foreign holidays a year and smart cars while I have a ex-council house and barely enough money to pay the bills, and I've not had a proper relationship for over 5 years and have been a single mum for over ten. But, I have our kids...and that is far better than anything material.

[queencat]

I would never be without the children. But I feel like I'm left behind while he moves on without us. I'm scared about what's going to happen to us now and I'm scared about moving in because if I move on he will never come back but deep down I know he's not coming back. I don't know why I just can't accept it still! Jesus it's been a year surely I should be able to get my head around it.

[pinksmarties]

Queencat, a year is no time at all. It's 3 years ago that i was in your position and I'm still not out of the dark tunnell but I'm so much better than I was.

Please try not to self harm anymore, your heart is broken, you don't need anymore pain. You're worth tons and tons and don't you forget it.

You WILL get through this.

The more you loved the more it hurts and the longer it takes to get better.

Give yourself time and get the book called It' Called Breakup Because It's Broken, it helped me. Good luck, you're in one of the most emotionally painful situations there is. xxx

[southofthethames]

Hi queencat, venusandmars is right - it's not anything you did, the thing about relationships and marriages is that your partner can walk out any time and we can't stop them. I don't know you from other threads but you mention he has been vile to you previously..perhaps if you think of those incidents when you miss him you can feel better knowing that you won't be experiencing those incidents any more.

And I agree with pinksmarties - one year is very short, it may even take a few more. Just don't feel that you're expected to wake up next month everyday feeling "whoopie! I'm over him! I feel great and I have loads of fun plans to get on with!" - of course, on the off chance that you happen to, so much the better.

That recovery course seems a good step to take (www.drw.org.uk) I'm also wondering if you are also feeling a bit isolated as maybe your friends before he left were his friends too and it is awkward meeting them because of that? Once you've finished or while you are on the course I would also suggest maybe going to some places where you meet completely new people - like a church with a friendly congregation, mothers' coffee groups, even WI (if they are near you), that sort of thing. Sometimes when a situation has been sprung upon you (like his departure) it is hard to see yourself as anything other than a victim that some tragedy has been inflicted upon. But you are far more than that - you work and you are mother to your children. Sometimes it takes being in a different club or setting to see that you can be yourself but have some other identity rather than a working mum who has had something horrible happen to her.

[southofthethames]

Here is another suggestion I'd like you to at least seriously consider doing (well you did ask for help so here it is)

Think of how things will be 15 years down the line. How old will your kids be? What do you want to see them achieve or experience - doing well at sports? Going to college? A job promotion? (just guessing all this as I don't know how old they are) Getting prizes in school? Travelling around the world with you? Then think how they would want to remember you - mum was always down and cried a lot? mum was never got over dad leaving and life with her was rather sad? I know you are probably trying your best to make things pleasant and cheery for them.... but what about for you? You are so much more than this man's lover or ex-lover. You have lots of gifts and good attributes too.....perhaps the hardest person to convince of this is not your ex, but YOU. There are lots of amazing plans, ecstatic experiences and brilliant moments awaiting you - I think many women might agree if I say, quite a few of them are miles better than any of the highs you ever experienced with him. But only you have the power (not even your ex-H does) to unlock the path to and experience these things.

It may sound pragmatic or materialistic but I'd suggest some steps (after checking out that drw course). Make a list of these things:

1. A city or place you've always wanted to visit - Venice/Paris/New York/the Rockies/Sydney/Victoria Falls/Niagara Falls/Grand Canyon/the Alps/ Geneva/Bali/Thailand/The Great Wall. There must be at least one if not more.
   
2. Something you've always thought was difficult to do but secretly you'd like to - flying a plane/bungee jumping/scuba diving/playing the cello, saxophone, harp or other musical instrument/ballroom dancing
   
3. Something you've always longed to have/buy but never did (especially when he was around or because he didn't want you to.....ladies don't all fight to go first) - designer label handbag, diamond earrings, a designer dress, etc
   
   Write these three things down - the ones you want the most. It is not a drinking game or a hypothesis. Then start making a plan to save money bit by bit (yes I know they sound like expensive "dreams" but they are surprisingly within reach if you are clever about it - without stealing or committing fraud of course!!) Over the next 12 months, once all the important jobs - work, kids' meals and things like homework, baths, etc, bills paid, essential housework done, set aside 25 minutes a day (not two hours, not 5 minutes) to research how you can do these things - eg some are quite easy - you can sign up for flying lessons or ballroom ones, and check websites about the most cost-effective way to do them. It doesn't matter if it takes you 2, 12 or 20 years to achieve them. 20 years of gleeful anticipation and drooling is worth it, I reckon.
   
   And for one of them (number one or two) - plan to do it together with your kids, MINUS the ex, even if he begs. Make sure it's a big one, like walking the Great Wall of China! Scuba diving in the Great Barrier Reef! best also to choose one that your ex has never done or can't do. Picture mentally, a photo of you and your kids doing it, having a great time, saying, Dad never got round to taking us, but Mum managed all of this on her own. And the look of delight on their faces. Doesn't matter if they are 10 or 30 when they go with you. The fact is that they will be with you. You will make it happen. And that is worth waiting for and aiming for.
   
   Any time you feel down, tell yourself, I can't give up yet. I haven't yet visited the Grand Canyon and played the saxophone wearing my Gucci dress.... And then one day, you can say, the idiot left me, but I'm fabulous and I've achieved a lot without needing him around. (when you've achieved all 3, and with your kids, write down and plan another 3). And don't forget to gloat about it to us - we'll be waiting.

[southofthethames]

Sorry for the longggg post everyone, queencat's post sounded so sad.

queencat - online . Hang in there!

[SpringchickenGoldBrass]

Are you receiving anything in the way of counselling or ADs? If not, go and see your GP and ask for some. There is no shame in needing help to get over a distressing event/

[Kimberjem]

I have been having hypnotherapy for something else, but my hypnotherapist told me she sees a lot of people for break-ups to help them get over their ex and stop thinking about them all the time. it basically uses condensed cbt and gives you techniques to cope in the future. I can't recommend it highly enough. It is he'll when thoughts of someone else are just going round and round in your head, I really feel for you.

[queencat]

Thank you so much for your kind words. I am on ADs quite a high dosage. Apparently I didn't qualify as high risk for free counselling!

[ChickensHaveNoEyebrows]

Queen, it might be worth seeing another doctor and really telling them how you feel. Counselling sounds like it would be hugely beneficial. Don't be so hard on yourself, you're grieving and it takes time to put yourself back together. Try not to think about him and the imagined 'perfect' life he now has, it won't help you. Distraction is the key. Do you have a good circle of friends? What do you do to socialise? Does he have the children at weekends?