desperate for advice re inlaws.

[freddy05]

We've had one problem after another with my inlaws ever since we got together but since we had our children it has got worse and worse and DH is really struggling to deal with it and it's making life so sad.

MIL travelled 100 miles for DD1's christening to stand outside and hurl abuse at us for not asking her permission or explaining to her properly why we were doing things our way. We said we'd had enough of her behaviour and wanted no more to do with her. FIL rang a couple of weeks later and said she'd asked him to ring and invite us to their house to sort things out so we went, turns out he'd told her we'd rung and asked to see them so we could apologise.

At every turn MIL has stamped on my role as DD's mother and DH has done nothing about it and for along time we argued about this a lot. Eventually I decided that I had to support DH and if he wanted to see his mother i should support that so i put up with her treatment of me and we went back to seeing her. Before we decided to have DD2 we talked long and hard about how we were going to deal with MIL as her behaviour throughout my first pregnancy was unbelievable. We decided to keep things to ourselves as long as possible so we could enjoy as much of the pregnancy as possible before she ruined it. Within days of telling her she was hammering my door down shouting through the letter box about how awful her pregnancies were and how grateful DH should be to be alive and how he owed her and should do this that and the other. A few days later she was banging on the door at nursery demanding to see DD1 as 'we never let her see her and the staff get more time with her than we do and we have rights'

We told her we wanted no contact from her until after the birth because due to other health concerns we nearly lost the baby with the stress of it all. MIL told us that she would quite happily see us lose the baby to get her way. She has posted letters through our door, walked past our house 15 times a day and keeps telling us other people in town are keeping an eye on us and reporting back and that our neighbours are keeping her informed!!

Since DD2 was born DH has found it hard not seeing them (he really does hope that one day they will treat him right but they never do) so he has arranged a few times to see them but they have taken the opportunity to winge shout and cry. We invited them to DD2's christening which they used as another opportunity to winge and cry, DD1 has had fewer tantrums since her sister was born that MIL. MIL also told DD1 that she couldn't go to a place she loves to go with her daddy because she had to make him take her to see them because she was making them sad not seeing them, however much i've tried to talk to DD1 about this she is still heart broken about this. BIL and SIL are as weird and centre of attention seeking as their parents and I can't work out how DH is as lovely as he is but then he has always been the one in the wrong allowing everyonelse to be right!!

Sorry this has got really long but I am desperate to know what I can do to help DH deal with this but also to protect my children from people who are so horrible. I love my DH and my children and i want him to see how lovely and fab he is without having to feel like such a failure because his parents say so.

[ivykaty44]

I would suggest to your dh that he sees his family on his own as you don't want him to have to choose.

if at some point they feel they can be civil then it would be good to have the dc have a relationship with them - but until they can be civil there isn't any point upsetting everyone.

DD1 has had fewer tantrums since her sister was born that MIL. MIL also told DD1 that she couldn't go to a place she loves to go with her daddy because she had to make him take her to see them because she was making them sad not seeing them, however much i've tried to talk to DD1 about this she is still heart broken about this. BIL and SIL are as weird and centre of attention seeking as their parents and I can't work out how DH is as lovely as he is but then he has always been the one in the wrong allowing everyonelse to be right!!

Don't understand this bit...?

[freddy05]

At DD2's christening MIL managed to get DD1 on her own and told her that not seeing her was making her sad, she told DD1 that instead of going out with daddy on sunday afternoon (they have a couple of hours daddy and daughter time ) she had to make him take her to see MIL. DD1 now won't go out with her daddy without crying because 'I'm making granny sad going out with daddy not going to see her'

The inlaws have no interest in DH only the children and tell him so regularly, it makes me really sad cos he's fab but he doesn't believe it.

[Nanny0gg]

If he really wants to see them then your DH must see his family on his own. They are damaging your children and shouldn't be anywhere near them.
But I would be asking DH exactly why he wants to keep a relationship with them.
Just because his mother gave birth to him is no reason and he clearly isn't benefitting from keeping in touch,
And his first loyalty should be to you.

[TeddyMcardle]

You need to protect your own children from these people, if your dh wants a relationship with them then he has to do it on his own whether they like it or not. He can't want to see his own children damaged by his parents and they will be if this behaviour goes on. He sees them on his own.

[freddy05]

Thanks guys

I can't work out why he wants to keep seeing them but guess he's not yet at a point where he can say no more. I really don't want my children to grow up anything like them so guess there is only one answer.

I love him so much I hate seeing this happening to him.

[TheArmadillo]

Has your dh read the toxic parents book? It mght be really helpful for him.

link here

What I think you need to do is to state to your dh what is and is not acceptable to you and what your opinion of the situation is. For my dh (its my parents that are the problem) it was that he thought they had a damaging effect on me and my mental health/self esteem etc, he was not prepared to let the children see them and he didn't think it was a good idea for me to see them.

I do think it is important to let your dh know what you think because as someone with parents like this it is hard to see their behaviour for what it is and to know what boundaries are acceptable.

However after you have let him know that you need to stand back and let him deal with it as he sees fit and let him lead on it really. Support him but noone can get you to come to terms with this sort of thing - you have to do it yourself.

[Diggs]

Your mil sounds mentally unstable .

Ive been where you are and made the mistake of feeling obliged to see them and put up with their abuse . Worse my ex would bully me into seeing them as otherwise he, d get bullied by them.

When your married everything becomes " we " and " us " , and i think thats right , but not in these cases . Your husband is probably conditioned to accept their abuse , thats why he does , its obviously normal to him . But of course its not normal for you . Its his family and not yours ad your under no obligation to see them .

If he wants a relationship ( however toxic ) with his family , he can, but you dont have to. I would remove yourself completeley from the situation , no phone calls , no listening to gossip from other family members , they just dont exist to you .

I would state your limits clearly and follow them through . Treat her as you would any other idiot who felt it normal to shout through your letterbox or emotionally manipulate your daughter . I would state clearly to your Dh that the dcs will not be seeing her any more and neither will you , any bad behaviour will result in the police being called as it would with anyone else .

I would just take yourself and your dcs out of the equasion , id also refuse to discuss it with your dh any more . If he wants to see them , by all means , but i wouldnt have him come home and tell you all the drama and nastiness that occured , because otherwise your being affected by proxy .

[freddy05]

thanks I know I need to protect my children and myself from her but i do find the idea of sending my husband into the lions den alone very difficult. I know he's an adult so it's his choice but she treats him so badly and he doesn't deserve it!!

I'm going to work on the ignoring her completely from now on and see how we go, and I guess work on making DH believe we all love him so he doesn't have to put up with them if he doesn't want to.