I'm getting totally sick of DP's eternal apathy/procrastination/ostrich syndrome/whatever the hell you want to call it aaarrrggghhh

[MadreInglese]

I'm sick to death of having to nag remind DP to do ANYTHING

One of the cats started crapping diahorrea everywhere a few weeks ago, and he's long haired you can imagine the mess he also stopped cleaning himself so not only was he repeatedly covered in his own shite he also developed lots of huge hair clumps that we couldn't brush out.

Being pregnant I'm not supposed to go near cat shit anyway, and with still regularly vomiting at 8 months so really unable to deal with an ill cat I urged DP to take the cat to the vets which he promised to do. Surprise surprise he put it off for weeks, even when he had a few days off and could have done it, until the poor cat crapped all over his badminton gear and then he booked him into the vets. For when he was back at work so I had to take him (I'm still working but nearer to home and the vet surgery and DP isn't easily phone contactable at work).

This pissed me off but I wanted the poor cat sorting out, and knowing that DP was avoiding the obvious (vet putting the cat down) I took him.

Well the poor bugger has a large tumour in his stomach, and is too old at 13 for an operation. They called me at work to ask if they should put him down there and then but I said it wasn't a decision I could make alone so we've brought him home with some steroids that will keep him comfortable, they think he may last a week before he goes downhill and needs putting down so we're just giving him lots of cuddles and attention. Poor DD is devastated. DP is gutted.

I got a minor bollocking from the vet when he asked how long we'd noticed symptoms for as he said it seemed to be a rapid growing tumour and had we gone earlier it may have been treatable with some drugs.

I'm sooooo fing angry at DP. Angry at him for leaving it so bloody long because he's a bloody coward and didn't want bad news, angry at him for leaving me to deal with it all and trying not to blub like a loon all day while heavily pregnant and stressed out trying to finish my last few weeks at work, but mostly just angry that he never fing deals with anything until it's too bloody late

I'm also very aware that pregnancy hormones, feeling crap and sleep deprivation, combined with sadness over the poor cat, are making me a very unreasonable irrational person at the moment.

Please help calm me down. I don't want to feel angry with him, he feels shit enough as it is but I'm just so sick of having to be the one who sorts everything. He's already saying the cat seems ok and maybe he'll last a couple of months so I know when the time comes it'll be muggins here who has to take the cat to be put down because yet again he will avoid avoid avoid.....

(apols for the looooong rant)

[zikes]

Aw, I'm sorry about your cat.

I'm not sure why you're putting off having the poor thing put down and I'm sorry but when your dp kept putting it off, I think for the cat's sake you should have organised the vet.

I don't know how you tackle the issue of procrastination in your bloke, but evidently on the important stuff you have to take control.

[MadreInglese]

I know zikes, I'm just feeling so thoroughly crappy with this pregnancy it would be nice for him to man up and actually DO something. He's not incapable or lazy, just avoids dealing with crap stuff so it's left to me and I'm fed up of it.

We're not putting it off, it will happen within a week, but it's a family decision and one I wasn't going to make alone, at work, and in a bundle of blubby hormones. I asked the vet's advice and he said he didn't think he was in pain or discomfort at the moment, they've clipped all his hair lumps out and the steroids should help with the diahorrea. He said he's clearly still feeling ok as he's still eating well, and we're just to monitor him but expect a rapid decline within a week and to book him back in in 7-10 days to be put to sleep

[MadreInglese]

believe me had the vet said he was in pain or discomfort I'd have taken him back in today to be put down (this happened yesterday)

[Xales]

Sorry I don't see that as apathy, procrastination or any other such thing.

It was fucking selfish and nasty to leave an animal in that sort of suffering for weeks, only deal with it by making you have to do it when he was personally put out and now he is gutted .

I understand the reasons you didn't want to deal with it however rubber gloves would have kept exposure to a minimum and you had to do it in the end anyway because he is too selfish .

[zikes]

Sorry.

[zikes]

I can't see how it isn't laziness on your dp's part, maybe he's not lazy in a physical/work sense, but leaving you to be the strong/organised one when he's perfectly capable is lazy

[peeriebear]

Personally I would spell it out to him that the poor cat could have been treated if he had got his thumb out of his arse and done as he said he would. And every time henceforth that he tries to put something off/leave it to you I'd remind him bluntly how well it went last time. Sorry, but I'd be livid and not spare his feelings. If a child had terrible diarrhoea you wouldn't leave it for weeks :(

[madonnawhore]

Poor cat. I can't understand the kind of person who can see an animal suffering like that and not want to immediately do something about it.

[jojowest]

you are both at fault, leaving the poor cat unseen by the vet

the first time he didnt sort it out after you asked him, you could easily have picked up phone and done it

no excuses for either of you :(

[garlicbutter]

I'm sorry about your cat and that you're feeling crap.

I agree with everyone else. I know it's baaad to bring up past misdemeanours over & again, but that really was serious. Next time it could be even more serious - what's he going to do if you need intervention close to term??

If you're convinced he means well but somehow can't deal with certain things, it would suggest an ishoo that needs to be addressed through therapy - perhaps a course of CBT. If he's damn sure he doesn't "need" therapy (I reckon everyone does, but that's beside the point) then shape up or ship out might seem a bit drastic but might also be what's called for.

Is he quite a childish person - does he think you're his mummy & will take care of everything? It looks like a good idea to have an alternative in place for emergency support, should you need it :(

[MadreInglese]

yes i could have shoved my marigolds on and cracked on but why should I when he is the more capable one at the moment. I've had hyperemesis since about 6 weeks pregnant and the smell of the cat shit from another room was enough to get me vomiting, so I wasn't keen to get any closer to it when he was perfectly capable of it

The cat wasn't pooing daily btw, probably every 2-3 days for maybe the last 4-5 weeks, getting slowly smellier and sloppier he hasn't seemed ill or out of sorts apart from the stinking runs so DP just cleaned it up and ignored it as a bit of an inconvenience, I was the one nagging that it had gone on too long and then he stopped properly cleaning himself

DP is a great guy most of the time, don't get me wrong, he works very hard and will do anything for anyone, and I know this only boils down to the fact that he was too scared the vet would put the cat down so he avoided taking him, but yes ultimately I guess it is selfish and it is lazy and it totally does my head in

I am sooo tempted to blow my top at him but then I'm not really in a rational place at the moment and ranting about what he could have done is not going to help matters right now, but yes I'm sure it will come up in the future!

[MadreInglese]

If the cat had appeared to be in pain, or lethargic or off his food then I do think he would have listened to me and taken him sooner, and I would have insisted more

and yes I could have taken him earlier but tbh with spending most of the last 8 months head down the toilet I'm a little short on the energy front and I expected him to step up and sort things

As it was he seemed outwardly to be ok apart from the poo which DP kept cleaning up, so somehow in his head this justified DP not doing anything

He's just crap at dealing with anything. He had a fall out with his sister a few months ago and keeps putting off getting in touch with her to sort it out. I don't want this baby being born in the middle of a family feud but he keeps saying he'll "sort it"

yeah right

[Longtalljosie]

No, you absolutely shouldn't have had to deal with a cat with diahorrea when you are pregnant. Absolutely not. Do you have any children together already?

[MadreInglese]

I have one teenage DD who DP has been a father to since she was very young but this is our first together

[CinnabarRed]

Has he always been this way? Does he acknowledge that there's an issue here?

FWIW, I think the falling out with his sister is for him to deal with in his own time, and you should leave him to it.

Things directly affecting your nuclear family, such as the ill cat, are a different matter.

Do you tend to mother him, so that he's got used to dealing with things? Are you critical of how he does things when he does pull his finger out? It can take a surprisingly short period of time for someone to genuinely believe, at some conscious or unconscious level, that they can't deal with something as well as someone else could.

[MadreInglese]

I guess he's always been this way but it's not often that there is a big issue to be dealt with really

He does always acknowledge after the event that he leaves big things too long before dealing with them, but still does the same next time so the "look what happened last time" argument rarely works

I don't think I mother him, our relationship is an equal partnership, he's certainly not some poor hen-pecked timid bloke. I do leave most of his issues for him to sort (for example his sister) and I'd love to leave things totally for him to sort or deal with the consequences but it's not as simple as that every time. There are times when I need to push the issue or take over because he just doesn't, like with the cat, or if he thinks his squeaky car brakes are "fine", etc

[garlicbutter]

I think Cinnabar's last sentence is really important - if he's developed a dependency on you, it's past time to highlight that between you and start handling it.

Another thing I thought of is whether he's afraid of his actions resulting in loss? Tbh, this is something that would need the help of a counsellor - your story about his sister, coupled with what you said about fear of having your cat put down, made a possible connection to me. Does he have an (irrational) fear that his siter might reject him for ever? There are some very common thought patterns, leading to all-or-nothing thinking and 'eternity' thinking, that can paralyse a person (I know, because I'm dealing with my own!) It's important to realise that almost everything can be reversed, altered and negotiated; also that nothing's set in stone, even stone changes over time!

Just a thought, anyway ...

[MadreInglese]

and I'm not overly critical, we're both very keen to appreciate and thank each other regularly but I know by being "the one who sorts everything" it's easy to quickly make a rod for my own back

eg with the hours, nature and location of DP's work he can't easily get to the bank/ring the garage/make a dentist appointment in the week so if he asks and I can I will do these things for him, but likewise there are things that I can't or don't want to do that he does for me in return

[MadreInglese]

yes that's pretty much spot on garlicbutter

SIL (who is a cowbag but that's another thread) said some horrid things to him via email and they haven't spoken since. His answer when anyone tells him to sort it out (MIL, FIL, BIL all nagging him) is that he's too angry right now and doesn't want to speak to her yet because he doesn't want to say anything that he'll regret. But this way they may never speak again.........

He's terrible for avoiding confrontation, where I'm a very "better out than in" person when it comes to emotions. We were just brought up in very emotionally differently families I guess, and he has got better at expressing himself and discussing difficult topics over the years. When we were first together he would not argue AT ALL in case it meant the relationship was over

[zikes]

If he doesn't want to speak to her, then that's his lookout. I'm not sure why it's down to him to sort out if she was the one saying nasty things, maybe he expects her to make the first move to resolve it.

[MadreInglese]

yes totally up to him really which is why I haven't pushed the issue, I just get a bit sick of the rest of the family going on about it as SIL is repeatedly speaking to them all individually to express her disgust that DP has not responded to her message