Divorce papers served - have I done the right thing?

[Wisedupwoman]

Had to name change again to be on safe side.
Been posting on other thread - hope followers recognise this.

H gone five weeks ago after second affair in 4 years was discovered by me but not before he gave many, many clues and slip-shod attempts to keep it 'secret' from me. H wanted out and would have known my reaction to finding out hence i think he took this way to force my hand. Heartbroken as long, long relationship with both adult and teenage DC's involved.

Today the divorce papers went to court to be served. The therapist I'm seeing commented that this has been quite quick. This has set up train of thought which goes 'was this my fault, am I assuming too much here about what H really wants, is he such a monster........'

Need ongoing support about this please......

[BurningBright]

Was your previous name akin to an unsweetened beverage? [Stealth emoticon]

[Alldownhillnow]

'This has been quite quick' ?

My (instant) reaction is that four years is anything but quick.

Indeed I applaud your decision to call time on your Ex's games. It wouldn't be natural not to have some doubts. Its a huge step, but one for which the blame rests with him. He had the two affairs. His choice, not yours.

You have wonderful DCs and they will spur you on to a better future. Don't let him keep you in the past, nor let your therapist make a judegment about the timeline.

[Alldownhillnow]

or even judgement*

[Saffysmum]

Serving the papers doesn't mean that you can't change your mind. I think you've done the right thing - you'll be able to move on properly. Good luck.

[Wisedupwoman]

Yes, Burning it was.

I know, Alldown. It's been a long time getting to this point and I know it can be stopped at any point for mediation etc. I suppose I haven't yet stopped to think about what it was like when it was a happy marriage.

Sometime back WWIFN said there'd be a slump. Maybe this is what comes next, when the energy i've invested in the practical side of things will lessen. I know that when I read the statements on the papers they had quite an impact on me.

I guess they'll have an impact on STBXH too.

[Anniegetyourgun]

"am I assuming too much here about what H really wants"

Did you serve the divorce papers as a favour to him? Or do you feel in yourself that you can't live with a serial cheater?

[Wisedupwoman]

Well Annie the reality was that no matter how much I loved him it wasn't enough.
H was (is) always going to need adoration from many people. I was 'right' for him for many years without trying too hard, so I know it wasn't my fault.

After the first affair instead of taking time out, both of us, to really get to the bottom of it, or even to a shared story, we fused completely and I did show him the adoration he was looking for. in return he made us feel safe again (even though in secret he resumed with OW at some stage).

But that level of adoration is simply unachievable long term and eventually anger, doubt, curiosity and suspicion crept back in for me, and I stopped adoring him.

So in answer to your question, this time around there was nothing left to say except go now because i don't want you here any more.

[Wisedupwoman]

Hi Sugarpaste - I'm glad you found me too!

[ChippingInLovesEasterEggs]

Sweet - (hug) it's all going to be hard and draining for a while x

I'm glad you got the thread deleted and you have namechanged. I would have hated DD to read all the stuff that was on there. Not that there was anything 'bad' as such, but it's not nice to see yourself being talked about is it, even when it's for your own good.

I can't believe the therapist said you doing this very quickly?! I guess she isn't taking the 4 years into account!

I hope you realise that the fact that you couldn't love him enough (though I wouldn't call it love that he needs - it's more like a constant ego boost), is about HIM and not you - you do realise that for a good, decent, lovely man you would be more than 'enough'...

x

[Anniegetyourgun]

In that case, yes, I believe you have done the right thing, insofar as there is a right thing in this situation. There will be pain either way, of course.

Funny, isn't it, how in his search for more love he gave up the love he had already. What a silly man.

[Wisedupwoman]

The papers will be served almost immediately. Sol has put in the application that STBXH pays the initial costs, not me.

I chose not to go down the route of giving him the opportunity to amend or challenge them, because I feel he has already done enough damage.

A small chance that he may himself instruct a sol to issue proceedings against me but sol advises that 95% of sols would say don't challenge just accept what she's saying.

This is the right thing to do. It is after all, almost a year since the second affair began!
And yes, a very silly man. Not really a monster, just a weak and sad individual who thinks the grass will be greener somewhere.
And DD is showing more signs of security, socialising and making plans and so on. There's an upside in all the upheaval.

x

[TheOriginalFAB]

I don't think what the therapist said should have any bearing on what you do. It is only their opinion.

[ChippingInLovesEasterEggs]

Just as an aside - why does it matter who serves who? (I've never been divorced... something to do with not having been married I think!).

It must have all been very hard for DD - I bet she wanted to say something a long time ago, but didn't want to be the one to bring it all out in the open :(

Bastard.

[Dozer]

Hiya again, perhaps the therapist was just asking a challenging question to get you to think about a different angle? Sometimes they do this (so I hear!).

It is still early days, and with everything that's going on - and grieving for the relationship - is no wonder you've had a little "slump".

Perhaps you could direct some of the adoration you gave to him towards yourself for a while? You've come a long way already.

Grrrrr.

[Dozer]

Grrrrr to manipulative losers!

[MigratingCoconuts]

yess! found you! glad you followed advice.....best to keep things private.

slumps are to be expected I found the key was to always try to work out the trigger to them. that gave me a sense of control, which I found important.

chin up, and keep remembering what an arse he is!

[AnotherMumOnHere]

Does it usually take quite a few hours for a thread to be deleted. Your other thread is still showing OP.

[Wisedupwoman]

It matters who serves who because the respondant, not the petitioner is required to pay! I didn't know this until yesterday so hence my decision to just go for it.

Alot of DD's past behaviour now makes sense where I just couldn't figure it out before.

Yes I think the therapist was trying to get me to see things a bit differently and I did. So not seeing him as an ogre helps me to bring the sense of threat down and I need that to get through the actual divorce process, to make my case for a good settlement, to not let him use manipulation to divide me and DD and to not make me think that I am hopeless without him.

I know the other thread is there still, I will messge MN again to ask them to delete forthwith, thanks Anothermum. Hopefully it will be gone tomorrow.


(hugs to you all for your fantastic support)

[AnotherMumOnHere]

I'm so proud of you OP, you have come on in leaps and bounds since your initial post.

I am not uptodate with the legal stuff and too hot headed to advise re what you should do, so I just 'overlook' things but I really am so proud of you.

[Wisedupwoman]

Yes, I re-read it the other day and I'm amazed because I could barely type the words I was so shocked and distraught. It seems like another world away.

Actually i did something else momentous today. I made another Will free of charge. I left everything to my DC's.

Except for one thing.

I left STBXH my wedding ring.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Nice touch.

[Dozer]

Wow, you're being so organised with the will etc.

Didn't know that the respondent had to pay, seems fair in this case anyway!

[Wisedupwoman]

He took it with him when he left.

To 'keep it safe' for me.