Have namechanged for this as some people I know know my username.
Bit of background - Have been with DP 5 years, have 1 DC (2 years). Relationship is not very good in general due mostly to us working opposite shifts and seeing each other about 5 hours a week on his only day off. I feel he should make time for us, but he says it's 'necessity' as he runs a small business. I have a good job too though, so I don't think it is necessary as outr finances are ok and I feel at least sometimes family should come first. We have not had a holiday together or even a couple of days as a family for 2 years! We argue a lot round in circles. )-:
He has told me in the past that before we met he used to have "a bit of a problem" with alcohol. He won't elaborate much but said he sorted himself out about 6 months before we met. Since we have been together he has only drank about twice a month, and hardly ever drunk.
However.......
He is at home quite a bit in the mornings when I'm at work as he starts in late afternoon and finishes early hours.
Around 3 weeks ago I noticed there were 3 cans of beer (unopened, pack of 4, one missing) in the stairwell to our block (8 flats in block). They were not really hidden as such but behind the pushchairs, near the door.
I commented on it but he said they were not his so I left it at that.
This morning I left him and DC making breakfast as I was starting work. I had noticed on the way in some small bits of wood and building supplies had been left in the landing at bottom of the stairwell. Picked some of them up and wondered what DIY someone was doing but definitnely just wood and glue etc nothing else in pile .When I got to work I realised I had left my phone on charger in house and I need it for work so drove back the 30 min drive.
DP and DC were out when I came back to get phone. I got a cup of tea and they came in the door. He said he had taken DC to shops to get some breakfast stuff (admittedly we did need). When I left again out of the corner of my eye I noticed that there was again a 4 pack of beer, 1 missing, underneath the small planks of wood, sort of hidden.
I confronted him and said they were not there an hour ago (when I had originally left) and it must have been him who had bought them at supermarket and left them under the wood since I doubt any of our neighbours would be placing beer under diy stuff on the communal landing within the past hour. He got really annoyed at me for "accusing" him, swore they were not his, really angry in the face about it, him saying I am constantly accusing him of things. In a way I guess I do as he lied to me about some debt when we first moved in together and lied to my face until he couldn't deny it anymore so I suppose I'm mistrusting of him now )-:
But seriously, he cannot be serious?! They had to have been his, don't they?
If you manage to get through this giant post please tell me I'm not going insane, that given the circs the likelihood of them being his and him having drank one at 11am is about 99% , isn't it
)-: )-:)-:
Feel like I'm going insane. I have always been nervous that he had this history but he has seemed to be sober the whole time I've known him apart from the odd Saturday night here and there. But now I am wondering. If he is drinking in the morning when our son is under his care I don't want to be in the relationship.I have witnessed a family member go through hell with an alcoholic husband and I have no wish to do that to myself, or be driven insane by the sneakiness etc. He knows this, I have talked with him about it before.
No neighbour would have placed them under the planks of wood in the space of an hour when he just happened to be at the supermarket, would they?
Please feel free to tell me I'm a paranoid stalker but I just need some objective advice. My best friend's husband has just left her so don't want to burden her with this.
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Relationships
he is lying isn't he? (another alcohol related)
sadandmoresad · 13/04/2011 20:32
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I did actually go there a few times when I lived with said family member (my uncle and his wife) and he is an alcoholic. Even though it wasn't immediate family as such, I was 19 and it did affect me as I was close to them since my aunt practically raised me. I found it very helpful for detatching and support, however if he is drinking again (after 5+ years) I don't intend on staying with him as I know it will only get worse and be hell me me and our son )-: So I guess I am more interested in trying to get proof he can't deny. Although I know in my heart due to the timeframe etc they are 99.99% likely to be his. Our relationship in general has not been good for about a year - 18 months (not abusive but arguments all the time etc) so this would be the end for me. Don't know if Al-Anon would be appropriate if I'm going to leave him anyway? 
I must sound really harsh but I think that's just the anger I feel that he probably thinks he is taking me for a fool and how could he go back to it after so long when he has our son. I do love him dearly and feel really sad and deflated but I guess if he is drinking daily again I know what I have to do (resigned) 
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I don't think he thinks he's taking you for a fool - if he does have an alcohol problem he is trying to hide it from you - not trying to make you feel stupid. Probably not what you want to hear and not something I've ever told anyone - but ... after DFIL died we helped MIL clear out the house. In their spare bedroom, behind a false wall thing we found literally hundreds of empty vodka bottles He his it from her because he was ashamed, not because he thought he was getting one over on her.
If you know in your heart then you don't need proof. xx
No can't smell it on his breath, but this morning he wasn't that close to me (the other side of the room when I asked him about it)
Thanks anothermum, I know what you say makes sense, but for just now I have an overwheming urge to "attach" (to my suspicions and how likely it was to have been him)and find proof. At least then I will know for a fact that he is drinking again and I will then leave as what my aunt went through was awful, and I do not want to go through that. I know it only gets worse, and I have heard the stats for how many actually remain sober and is is not a lot .
I know that he would try and hide it from me, and deep down I know he is not trying to make me feel stupid, just that he is ashamed. I feel a bit out of order for saying that actually. I guess I'm just so angry that he could do it again when he has been sober for so long (I think, have never seen any other evidence) when he now has a DC and so much to lose. I realise most people who have an alcoholic partner will have the "how could you?" feelings.
That is such a sad story about your FIL. x
No it was just normal strength. The reason I thought it was his was due to his angry reaction, and I think it's pretty unlikely that anyone else in stairwell (7 households, but still) would hide beers behind DIY stuff. I see the point of empty cans as the stuff was about to go in rubbish, but full ones?
There are a lot of other (non-alcohol related) problems in our relationship, and if i think objectively, I know it's failing. Neither of us seem able to face that fact though or do anything about it either way.
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