Lost my dignity

[partnerleft]

I feel such fool. , I was being so calm with my ex who has left me after the death of our son and 25years together
I was making sure every time he came round I looked good, I didn?t hassle him, we went out for 2/3 meals and on mothersday he cooked and bought me a lovely present. Each time he confirmed it was over but we would walk the dog holding hands. Evertime he left I was in pieces but was thinking he is spending more time here than with her he had even commented she was pressuring hi,
He had refused to tell me who she was and it has become an obsession.
This week it dawned on me it was a particular women he worked with (for lots of reasons) so I looked her up and facebook and still don?t know why did a friends request.
She also has a 2nd business with her address and mobile no, so I drove round and put a note through her door and phoned to hear her voice (german) to be sure and it was. She has told EP and he has gone mad, says I?m a mad stalker, need treatment stay out of his live and we will never be friends

I am so gutted I have been so stupid but I did really need to know who it was , is there any way to redeem this
xxxxx

[expatinscotland]

He dumped you after such a loss after he was fucking this biatch and you are feeling guilty and still taking his abuse?

He's a fucking wanker, OP.

Stop being nice to him. Do you have other children with him? Is that why this twat is still in your life?

Because if not, he needs cut out of your life NOW.

He tried to hide who he was leaving you for, who he was cheating with? He's a lying sack of shit.

[expatinscotland]

Your reaction was normal, tbh.

Stop feeling guilty or trying to redeem anything, this man's a twunt who doesn't deseve the time of day from you.

[dollius]

It sounds like you are grieving for a lot more than just the loss of your husband. How/when did you lose your son and how old was he?
Do you have other children?
You have not done anything wrong. Your husband should have told you who he had left you for. On top of losing a child, it must have been extremely painful.

[BelleDameSansMerci]

I think, really, you don't need to redeem it... Perhaps it is time to try to let him really go? It sounds to me as if he has been letting you imagine that things could be different and he is now angry because you have unearthed more of the truth?

[expatinscotland]

You haven't lost any dignity and he never had any.

[lookingfoxy]

Have you posted about the loss of your son before, you seem familiar, if its the same poster I can totally understand why you've still allowed him in your life after everything that followed.

I really don't know what to advise, I wish you could find the strength to manage without him.

[lookingfoxy]

Here is the OP's back story.

[willdo]

Please don't feel you have lost your dignity. You did what any normal person would do because you wanted to find out who your partner had left you for. This is a natural reaction. He was the idiot who didn't tell you about her. It became an obsession because he made it so by acting like this.
He sounds a total prat, quite happy to hold your hand when he was going back to her.

[YouaretooniceNOT]

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[piratecat]

he is being awful, cowardly, conceited and inhuman.

like expat said, you haven't lost your dignity.

xx

[YouaretooniceNOT]

I would have done the EXACT same thing. He doesn't deserve a Lady as you are.

[partnerleft]

thanks everyone, yes it is my previous about lossin our boy and i have been desperately trying to hold on to P, but now for stalking the bitch he hates me feel sp desperate and know she will be putting all kinds of things into head about me, so so sad just want him back and cant stop crying tonight xxxx

[tallwivglasses]

Oh OP, I'm so sorry for your loss and how you're feeling now. Constant crying's so exhausting

I don't get why so many men can't just bloody leave.

What's with all the hand-holding and saying he still loves you ffs? It's like he's stabbed you but is enjoying twisting the knife.

Years ago, it was a beautiful day like today. My ex rang to arrange to see me and it dawned on me that I didn't want him to ruin such a lovely day. Saying 'no' gave me a tremendous sense of relief and I went out into the sunshine like a new person.

He's too weak to let you go. You're going to have to do it for him.

[Lovedlots]

Hugs Hugs and more hugs.
The feelings you are having is grief with so much more hurt from your ExP thrown in. You did nothing wrong. He is doing what he is doing out of guilt. But as a lot of men who are too immature to know better, they are hitting out at the one person they should be saying sorry to. Your strength is deminished to be able to protect yourself from the hurtful things he says because of your grief.
Give yourself time. You will heal. Unfortunatly you can't make him be what you want him to be. Being nice to him. Looking good when he see's you does absolutly nothing. What will get to him is when you start living YOUR life the way YOU want to live it. What he thinks, says or does is not important. You have been through a harrowing time and you need time to recover. When you have the strenght, look after YOURSELF and be kind to YOU. Put YOU and your child first from now on.

[IamBlue]

How are you OP? What are you doing tonight? I have made a fish pie and enjoying fourth glass of pinot grigio. Let us know how things are your end.

[HerHissyness]

OMG OP, I am so sorry, you poor thing.

This is none of your fault at all, if XH had been honest to you at the outset, none of this would have happened.

She is just kicking off out of guilt. He is too.

Sod the pair of them.

What everyone else on here ^ says. HUGS to you.

[Condensedmilkaddict]

I am so sorry for your loss of your son.

It sounds as though you have had to be very strong over the past five years. And you have been.

Now your partner, who should have been by your side, supporting you every step of the way, has run away.
Coward.

YOU have nothing to be ashamed of.
You found out who she was. Now you know, and you can close the door on that.
HE should be ashamed. He has treated you very badly and it is completely undeserved.

What can I say? You have been through so much. Concentrate on your son.
Hang up if your ex shouts at you.
Are you involved in bereavement groups?

You have been through so much and been so incredibly strong.
You can get through this.

Dignity is easily regained.

[Roseflower]

I feel so awful for you.

Essentially you have just about lost your family, one of most people's worst fears.

I cannot imagine the pain you are feeling.

You have not lost your dignity at all you have acted pretty calm in my opinion compared to what I would do.

Please get him out of your life he should be supporting you not hurting you. Nothing good will come of this, I can tell you as somone with an similar ex.

You need a fresh start and a clean break. I think you need to get away, if possible with your son to a lovley tranquil place, maybe a cottage by the sea and get some space to start to build your strength and heal.

One day things will not hurt like this and you will wonder why you clinged on.

I promise.

[DuelingFanjo]

I've read a bit of your back story and I think you need to seek some help for your depression and MH issues. I don't think it's normal behaviour to send a friend request to this woman etc but can totally understand how this whole situation has led you here.

You also need to put a stop to the hand holding and walks in the park suff, he is not being fair to continue this kind of intimacy and you need to break that habit.

are you getting any counselling?

[cabbageroses]

Please get some more counselling via your GP. If you are not already - go back and also tell them about the drink problem.

Your ex must have been through hell too, to lose his son though it was a stepson from what you said.

I know this is really really hard but you have to remind yourself that he did not support you when you needed it.

The hand holding and so on is unfair. Either it's over or it's not. For your own sake you need to decide it's over.

To get over this you need to stop being "friends" and remain cool and business like with him- if you need to see him at all.

Please get som e help in RL.

[cookcleanerchaufferetc]

He has been giving you mixed messages so no wonder you checked out this other woman. What a tossed he is! I think you are being hard on yourself, you have not lost your dignity. It must be hard but you sound like you need to get on with your life without him in it. I feel awful you as you have had such a hard time with your DS and having to wait 4 years for a d egree of closure. Good luck

[partnerleft]

Thanks everyone for the support

[tethersegg]

The way you are behaving now is exactly the way you should be behaving.

Getting angry and upset is the right reaction. I echo the advice to find some RL support.

You won't feel like this forever.

[partnerleft]

Hi everyone
just some more advice if anyone has any , i am so low again
me and P had "made up" a bit after me findinging out who ow is.In my counselling they suggested i work out was was harder seeing him knowing he was with her or not seeing him. So i tried to be strong and told him being friends while he was with her was making me ill , he was obviously fine with that.But because i am needy i started to suggest him coming round again which he was a bit reluctant to do.Anyway i was mulling over the tiny bits of info he has given me about her and decided to phone her yesterday.It turns out they have been seeing each other a lot longer than he said, that it was a serious relationship and they were planning to move in together.
He had told me it was company she did not mean that much to him and the sex was not up to much (and i found viagra in his pocket )
She does not believe we were still togehter and said i was making it all up now he has texted me and said i am an evil psycho bitch and he will neverhave anything to do with me again
i',m evestated i know you must all think i am pathetic but i really can't cope with him being with someone else
how do i get through this
x

[Doha]

Well you have certainly lost your dignity now
Of course your x was never going to reveal the extent and depth of his relationship with the ow.
You deserve better than this relationship and hard as it may be you have to accept that this man is not your friend and you no longer have any relationship with him.
Go back to your GP for some more counselling to help with your losses.
Do not contact either of them again.