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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Have never been to my partner's flat.

66 replies

IamBlue · 06/04/2011 23:45

Hi all, have been with my dp for four years now but i have never been to his flat as he says its a tip and I do believe him.

But he is at mine all the time. I quite understand about his flat but wonder if anyone else has this? He is divorced, has 3 kids and goes away to see them every other weekend, very busy job etc. I have met the children. He has just lost his job and is probably going to move to be near dcs as wont be able to pay the train fares up and down.

I am gutted tbh.

OP posts:

Report

moondog · 06/04/2011 23:49

Gutted?
Why?
Because of the flat or because he is moving?

perfumedlife · 06/04/2011 23:50

After four years, he could have sold the flat, paid you rent and would be in a better position to visit his kids.

Does he want you to move with him?

IamBlue · 06/04/2011 23:55

PL he doesnt know what he wants. Fair enough.

He says he isnt a good catch and I suppose he isn't. He has no money and dcs live miles away (sees them every other weekend)

He has been honest with me as in when I have said I love him he has never said it back to me. But he is very caring and we have a great time together. I do love him. I am just sad that after all this time and investment its gone nowhere again.

OP posts:

BluddyMoFo · 06/04/2011 23:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IamBlue · 06/04/2011 23:58

Have never had cause to go. We're in london. He gets tube to mine. Dont know address no.

OP posts:

moondog · 06/04/2011 23:58

He's not a 'partner' thern is he?
Jaysus, get rid. Life is difficult enough without dealing with weirdy blokes who won't tell you where/how they live.

perfumedlife · 07/04/2011 00:00

Doesn't know what he wants after four years! I'd make his mind up for him then. It has to end surely? He has kept you on the periphery of his life for too long.

Are you sure the kids knew you were the gf when they met you?

Maelstrom · 07/04/2011 00:01

I am afraid I'm going to join Moondog's camp... really, 4 years on and you don't know his address, he doesn't tell you he loves you. Dear, him moving away is giving you the great opportunity to forget this looser and move on. He is wasting your time.

BluddyMoFo · 07/04/2011 00:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertieBotts · 07/04/2011 00:02

It sounds like he's being honest when he says he's "not a good catch" - he sounds incapable of being in a relationship, whether that could be got over or not I don't know, but he clearly isn't willing to try. 4 years and he hasn't said he loves you? I think you know this is over really, don't you. I'm sorry :( Do you think you might stay in contact as friends?

BluddyMoFo · 07/04/2011 00:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

starfishmummy · 07/04/2011 00:04

Good grief. You have been "with" him for four years, You don't know where he lives, he spends time with you and then disappears at weekends?

I think he just wants somewhere convenient to stay while he is in London for work, and then goes home to his family (some) weekends.

Find someone better.

IamBlue · 07/04/2011 00:06

TBH I am gutted but then also some friends say, look, just keep at it as he may come good or anyway I am old enough to not find another decent partner anyway.

They do have a point. just so tired and sad of it all really. I dont have dcs, sadly, too old now, so what is the harm in just carrying on with him and the weekends thing?

OP posts:

fortyplus · 07/04/2011 00:06

He's either a commitment-phobe or in another relationship.

Either way you must have low self esteem to have stayed with this man for 4 years. Let him go - you're well rid of him whatever his good points are

caramelwaffle · 07/04/2011 00:10

Good. Grief.

Four years! Honestly?

You have the rest of your life ahead of you...live it well.

And not with this man of mystery (good grief emoticom)

IamBlue · 07/04/2011 00:12

starfish, I read that a lot - find someone better, or find someone who deserves you etc - but at my age really, those people arent out there. I am not being maudlin. Its just true. Its very very hard to decide whether to keep the horribly unsatisfactory status quo and just ignore the stalemate, or to change and pack him in, which will bring heartache.

I would quite like to give up work btw and just retire, which I could. I do want someone to love and to be loved by though.

Just an older gal moaning sorry

OP posts:

BluddyMoFo · 07/04/2011 00:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fortyplus · 07/04/2011 00:15

IamBlue - get a grip!! How old are you? Because I can tell you that I would be very confident of meeting a suitable partner if I was looking and I'm 50 now. [should probably namechange]

caramelwaffle · 07/04/2011 00:16

IamBlue - don't live this...half life.

What does he say when you ask about visiting his apartment?

Retire if it brings you happiness, and live for YOU.

choux · 07/04/2011 00:23

How old are you? I don't think you are ever too old to find love but you have to put yourself in the right mindset. That means:

letting go people who won't / can't give you the love you want
building a life where you meet new people so have the opportunity for cupid to strike
believing it will happen and that you are worthy of it - because you are!

Do Step 1 today and let this man go

IamBlue · 07/04/2011 00:24

Thankyou for all your input. I am still not sure what to do. Will think about it and about what you have said, xx

OP posts:

choux · 07/04/2011 00:27

fortyplus I'm 50 now. [should probably namechange]

Your name is still correct

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IamBlue · 07/04/2011 00:27

Thankyou choux. I am thinking that if he really wanted to, he would let me go. But he hasn't. He is torn too. I think that going on past experience, I will feel less upset if I wait for him to finish it. xx

OP posts:

Skinit · 07/04/2011 00:29

It's very hard....it does sound as though he has a family somewhere. I am amazed you have put up with this as it must have been awul! Do you suffer from low self esteem? Lack of confidence? I hate to think of you being o sad over this...have you friends or famly to be with?

I think you need to wean yourself of him...and try to broaden your life a little bit...

choux · 07/04/2011 00:38

But you don't have to be passive. If he can't be decisive you can be.

Will it really be less upsetting to wait for the axe to fall than to get your head off the chopping block and start making a new life for yourself? Even if you genuinely believe the answer to that to be 'yes' you can get busy now strengthening relationships with friends - old and new - to have as support should this relationship end.

And make a plan for your future - what would you do in the next year, 3 yrs, 5yrs if there was only you to consider? And if you aren't doing it because of this relationship then weigh up what you get from this man against the dreams you are giving up. Once I started thinking that way I left my relationship within months.

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