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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

If you were WRONGLY accused of having and affair with someone by the person you were accused of having an affair with

104 replies

HauntedLittleLunatic · 02/04/2011 14:44

Which would you be most likely to do?

a) Maintain as much distance with the person as possible
b) let him "hide" his (or her) car around the corner and continue to meet them on a regular basis

OP posts:

Report

PorkChopSter · 02/04/2011 14:46

What?

If someone accused you of having an affair, would you still carry on seeing that person or would you avoid them?

HauntedLittleLunatic · 02/04/2011 14:47

Basically yes

OP posts:

Clarnico · 02/04/2011 14:48

Eh?

so if Joe Blow says to me, "OI! You are having an affair! With me! J'accuse!" what would I do about it?

I would steer clear of them because clearly they are bonkers.

If I were wrongly accused how would "b) let him "hide" his (or her) car around the corner and continue to meet them on a regular basis" make any sense?

HauntedLittleLunatic · 02/04/2011 14:52

I think you see my point Clarinco....

OP posts:

YouCantTeuchThis · 02/04/2011 14:53

Okay, the person with the car is not accusing you...they are the person you are accused of having an affair with?

In that case - no. Of course I would not continue communicating with that person (beyond necessity) and would try to think of my partner's feelings by avoiding them wherever possible.

hecate · 02/04/2011 14:55

I wouldn't keep seeing them secretly, that's for sure.

That's just asking for trouble.

I assume that the situation is that there is a friendship - not sexual - and the partner of the other person thinks that there is an affair. So they are going to continue to meet but go to great lengths to hide it.

Sounds like an affair to me. Even without the sex.

If the partner of the other person feels so strongly about it, then the choice is tell her/him that the friendship will continue because that is all it is, or give up the friendship. But to carry on with what is basically a 'fuck you' attitude and to hide and run around behind the person's back, well, like I say, sounds like an affair to me. Certainly the deceit is the same.

phooey · 02/04/2011 14:57

I assume this is your (D)H and not you who claims to have been falsely accused?

hecate · 02/04/2011 14:58

sorry, I am confused. if you were wrongly accused of having an affair with someone BY that same someone?

so someone comes to your house and claims you are having an affair with them?

That's crackers.

wannaBe · 02/04/2011 14:59

if someone was hiding their car round the corner in order to see you then I'd say you were either:

A, lying about being "wrongly" accused of having the affair, and were actually having an affair just not prepared to admit it.

or

B, in denial about the strength of the friendship.

Clarnico · 02/04/2011 15:04

Do you have a stalker HLL?

I'm guessing that you have a dp/h, and Joe Blow has told you or your dp/h that you and he have been having it off.

Joe Blow needs the police calling on him, if this is the case.

HauntedLittleLunatic · 02/04/2011 15:05

OK. This could be complex.

Scenario is this.

Person A and B were a couple
Person C and D are DW and DH

Person A is rumored (incorrectly) to be having an affair with person E and cuts all contact immediately (normal behaviour?)
Person A is rumoured to be having an affair with C and ignores the rumours and changes nothing

Person A later admits a long standing EA, and more recent PA with C and gets kicked out on his arse by B. C tells D that it is all in A's head and is freaked by the thought it was anything more than friendship. They are still happily married.

So why would C (maintaining that there is nothing other friendship) allow B to hide his car around the corner and (presumably) have just a cup of tea on a twice weekly basis? This is less than 3 weeks after being accused. No need to hide it from B, and apparently there is nothing to hide from D

OP posts:

wannaBe · 02/04/2011 15:10

they are having an affair.

hecate · 02/04/2011 15:17

yeah. they're at it like rabbits.

Clarnico · 02/04/2011 15:18

So

A is a dh
B is a dw

C is a dw (with who dhA has said he's having an affair and dwB has slung him out)
D is a dh

Do you mean 'why would C allow A to hide his car etc?

if so, yes, having an affair

HauntedLittleLunatic · 02/04/2011 15:20

Yes I do mean A is hiding his car. Sorry

OP posts:

TrillianAstra · 02/04/2011 15:21

"Person A is rumored (incorrectly) to be having an affair with person E and cuts all contact immediately (normal behaviour?)"

Just addressing this bit - no, that's not normal behaviour. If I were incorrectly rumoured to be having an affair with a friend or colleague or acquaintance I would not immediately cease to see that person. Why would I?

--

So A says 'I had an affair with C', and C says 'no we didn't'? But C still wants to spend time with A?

No.

A is either telling the truth and the affair is still happening, or A is lying and bonkers and C should stop seeing them because they are a bonkers liar.

HauntedLittleLunatic · 02/04/2011 15:23

OK, The A and E bit is a bit of a red herring in some sense because has no bearing on A and C. But I just found it "interesting" that after being genuinely wrongly accused drops all contact with E and after being correctly accused with C carries on regardless.

TBH that is all history. Car round the corner is current.

OP posts:

garlicbutter · 02/04/2011 15:24

But of course they are having an affair. After wrestling with your title for a minute, I concluded that your partner was the one 'accused' by a third party, and continuing to see them despite insisting There Is No Affair - saying, parhaps, the third party is a crazed loon. Basically, your partner is trying to gaslight you. Have no truck with it!

phooey · 02/04/2011 15:27

I hate all this 'person A blah blah, person H blahdy blah' - it's an anonymous internet forum fgs

LaWeasel · 02/04/2011 15:29

Even if C is not having an affair they can't care about Ds feelings much.

DuelingFanjo · 02/04/2011 15:34

?

which one are you?

HauntedLittleLunatic · 02/04/2011 15:35

It wasn't intended to be anonymous in that way....in just teh same way that A, B etc. is just as much use to you as knowing it is Dave and Sue.

OP posts:

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hecate · 02/04/2011 15:40

yes, but you and she and him and her is much clearer.

I was accused of having an affair but I wasn't, my husband was though and now the woman he was having an affair with....

is much more easy to follow than person a, b, c etc.

HauntedLittleLunatic · 02/04/2011 15:42

OK,

Fair point. I just didn't want to prejudice responses. I am B. XP still appears to be seeing OW. I am considering talking this through with OWDH (on the basis that he is a friend of mine in his own right). Just wanted to get a second opinion on whether I am looking at this from the wrong direction in assuming affair is continuing.

OP posts:

hecate · 02/04/2011 15:52

Your relationship with him is over, right?

So from that pov, it doesn't matter what he's up to. You're no longer together.

So the only question is - do you tell her husband what you know.

Which is what? he's going round there? Do you know that for sure?

How do you know what you know? Seen it? been told it?

I think I probably would tell him. I know many people disagree, but I would tell him any facts I knew. It is up to him what he does with that.

Perhaps he may choose to come home unexpectedly.

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