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Relationships

My DH is leaving me.

101 replies

Porcelina · 02/04/2011 10:36

My DH is leaving me.

He'll be leaving at the start of May I think. For "a month or so" to stay with his brother but I don't think he'll be coming back. He isn't in love with me any more.

The past 8 months since DS2 was born have been tough and have, for the most part, been a blur of shit sleep, frequent crying, guilt, shit sleep, etc. But as with all things baby-related, it isn't forever, it passes, and in the past month or so the fog has really started to lift and I'm enjoying being a mum of 2 (finally). Sadly, while I've been wandering alone in this haze of physical but mostly emotional exhaustion, DH has completely closed himself off. In about November he started spending insane amounts of time on the xbox, and then increased the amount of martial arts he was doing, and then started running / training every night to the point that he was so exhausted he almost fell asleep at the wheel once or twice and I refused to let DS1 go anywhere in the car with him. I noticed that quite suddenly he stopped saying 'i love you' or giving me a kiss when he came in / went out etc, stopped sending me texts through the day. His behaviour was noticalbly cold and distant and I ended up writing him a letter asking what was going on. We've talked and he says that he loves me but he doesn't feel 'in love' with me, he doens't have any sexual feelings toward me (or at all in fact). He's totally focussed on his martial arts and training. He now does a different martial arts class every night, AND then goes out training for about 3-4 hours afterwards. He puts DS1 to bed while I sort out DS2 and then leaves the house right away and doesn't come home until 1am, sometimes later, depending what shift he's working. He has changed the crappy attitude, though... he's no longer cold and unfriendly, in fact he's very pleasant and chats to me quite normally.
He doesn't even want to try and work things out. He says how can he try when he doesn't feel anything? He won't miss a martial arts class to stay home for even one night to spend even a little time together. I can't believe he's willing to throw away our family life as easily as this.
The craziest thing is that we don't argue. We actually get on really well. There is no bad atmosphere in the house. He adores the boys and they love him, especially DS1... which brings me to my title question.. how the fuck do I explain this to my beautiful 3yr old? Where do I even start? I never, ever thought this would happen to my family. I always thought we were strong enough to get through anything, and now everything is falling apart and I can't do anything to stop it.

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Niceguy2 · 02/04/2011 10:41

Are you sure he's only doing martial arts?

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winnybella · 02/04/2011 10:44

Sorry, but I'm also wondering whether it's martial arts classes that he's really at.

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BornAgainDomesticGoddess · 02/04/2011 10:45

That was my first thought Niceguy2. Sorry you are going through this OP Sad

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Jemma1111 · 02/04/2011 10:46

As Niceguy2 said, is he really doing martial arts ?

Sorry to say but it seems to me that he is playing away, hope I'm wrong, but op all the signs suggest he is cheating

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spidookly · 02/04/2011 10:47

You're trapped in the house all the time while he's out pleasing himself?

Your marriage sounds appalling.

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TheCrackFox · 02/04/2011 10:51

He sounds like an absolute shit.

I agree with the others, I think Martial Arts is a code for another woman.

If he is leaving then it really should be him that tells the children.

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dontdisstheteens · 02/04/2011 10:53

He is behaving like a very selfish and immature child. One thought though, would he go to the dr and check with dr for possibilyy of depression before making huge changes? I wonder if like many depressed people, especially men, he is self medicating using exercise and the endorphin rush.

In the meantime you need something for you. Have you RL friends to confide on?

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JaquiChanFeelsBlue · 02/04/2011 10:54

If he is leaving, tell him to leave now not May.

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MollieO · 02/04/2011 10:56

If he is training then I assume he is going to a gym. I don't know any gyms that are open at 12am or 1am. As others have said it sounds like there is something else going on. It is for him to tell his son he is leaving.

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Heyitsme · 02/04/2011 10:57

I agree. All the signs are there. He says he's no longer in love with you and doesn't have sexual feelings for you anymore is very telling. 'There's no point trying' is probably true for him because his feelings are diverted elsewhere.

I'm sorry you are going through this. He isn't contributing much to the house or his parental duties, he sounds completely selfish.

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DuchessOfAvon · 02/04/2011 11:02

The whole "I love you but I am not in love with you" just gets my goat. It makes it out to be your fault - you are unlovable and that's why he's bailing. Nothing of his adult responsibility to the family or to you. Crap.

On the "giving benefit of the doubt" front, he's got cold feet about parenthood, possibly depression and is in denial about his life. He's trying to run away and is hiding in the endorphine rush and mental freedom of the exercise.
Worst case, he's lying though his teeth and is possibly cheating on you. The fact that he's not willing to make any time to talk is suspicious. He doesn't seem to want to salvage anything from his life with you.
What are the views of his friends and or family? DO they think he is acting out of character?

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MigratingCoconuts · 02/04/2011 11:05

if he is not having an affair (and that's top of my list) then I would say he has developed a kind of midlife crisis surrounding ideas of health and fitness. Tiredness and loss of sex drive can be related to depression. I really have known men that have gone through this kind of wierd behaviour and there was no other woman.
have you spoken to any of his family about this?

And, I agree that he should go now as dragging it out for another month is going to be hell for you. Why the wait? Does it mean that he isn't really serious about the reality of going?

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Niceguy2 · 02/04/2011 12:40

Whether or not he is having an affair or not is almost inconsequential now. The main thing is he has told you he wants to leave. Therefore, there's absolutely no point in dragging things out.

If you carry on, let him leave on his terms and to his timetable, what reason has he got to respect you? Do you really want to be that little woman puts up living with (and I assume sleeping in the same bed) a man whilst just waiting for him to break your heart? Right now he is having his cake and eating it.

Get angry....Take control of your life now. Tell him he can go now rather than later. Even if he doesn't, at least you are taking the initiative now. Rather than wait for the inevitable to happen.

It will hurt like fuck for a while but trust me, things do and will get better.

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MigratingCoconuts · 02/04/2011 12:50

well said, Niceguy2

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HauntedLittleLunatic · 02/04/2011 12:55

And actually having been, in many respects where you are now 18 months ago...and XP has just left I agreee absolutely 100% with NiceGuys last post.

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Porcelina · 02/04/2011 13:15

Thanks for your replies. I have considered that there is someone else. There is, certainly, a woman who he is good friends with (who is also into xbox and martial arts etc) who he spends time with. I have confronted him about her and he maintains that nothing is going on - that he doesn't have any sexual feelings for anyone at the moment, not just me! My instinct tells me that he isn't having an affair, that they are just friends, but the fact that she has also recently split with her partner certainly rings alarm bells, and perhaps there is the possibility of something happening once we are 'officially seperated'. My gut instinct isn't often wrong and deep down I feel that the cause for this bizarre behaviour is some sort of depression, maybe male pnd (we certainly had a very tough time with ds2 in the first few months) or some kind of mental health episode. I'm pretty sure the endorphin rush and the freedom he gets while at classes and training is an addiction for him. He is totally obsessed.

He's not going to a gym to train - he trains outside at a running track with a assult course, and certainly the mud on his trainers and the physical changes (he's much more muscular than he was) suggest that he is training rather than having an affair.

We have spoken more today, and it's very odd as we are able to discuss it on such friendly, amicable terms. I think I feel quite numb really, I'm unable to get emotional and cry and shout. But maybe that's because it doesn't seem real. The fact that we get along very well makes it all the harder to get my head around.
He has agreed that he needs to tell ds1 (and also my 3 step children who stay here at weekends) but he doesn't yet know what he's going to say.
I have been thinking about telling him to leave sooner rather than later but I think part of me wants to give the kids a little more time rather than the abruptness of "you won't be staying over next weekend". And the fact that he's never here means very little will change in the next few weeks anyway. We co-sleep with our children, so although we do sleep in the same bed, the fact that he works shifts and is either sleeping in the daytime or training until the early hours means 'sleeping in the same bed' isn't really what it sounds like.
x

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gettingeasier · 02/04/2011 13:24

Porcelina so much of what you describe mirrors what happened to me 18 months ago just substitute sport/xbox for drinking with my xh.

He stayed on initially by mutual agreement and I quickly realised he was just staying until he was emotionally and physically ready to go.

During his staying on the inevitable ow came into the mix and was why his staying got cut short

I am sorry to say from what you are saying about his friend along with everything else it sounds like at least an emotional affair maybe more. The fact he has denied it means nothing I am afraid.

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mouseface · 02/04/2011 13:28

Porcelina

So sorry to read your OP.

He has to leave sooner than May. Your life as you knew it is over. There is no going back if he doesn't love you anymore, so why drag it out? If he can go to his brother's in May, can he not go now?

I completely understand that you want you H to spend more time with the children but surely that's worse? They will think he's staying, the longer he lives there, the harder this will be.

You need to take control of this.

Please ask him to leave.

If he stays, I assume that your lives will continue on a functional level, eat together, do his laundry, food shopping, sit on the sofa of an evening, as if everything is as it was last week?

Why? It's just prolonging the agony. This is never an easy situatiion but if you both sit down and talk to the children (if they are old enough to understand) then they can ask questions to both of you.

If you bith agree what you want to say and how, then why not start the seperation process now?

No one is expecting you to stop loving him or having feelings for him but IME, the longer the spilt goes on, the worse it is.

It will eat you up inside, the slightest snipe from him will cut you ten times deeper. And everytime that he leave the house, you'll worry where he is going, no matter what he tells you. You will make yourself ill.

He's told you that he's not in love with you anymore. He can't fall back in love with you, he's lost that feeling for you. Please, don't punish yourself by letting him stay.

You are worth so much more.

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positivesteps · 02/04/2011 13:34

He probably is training in some of that time that he goes out but I don't believe he is doing it till 12 or 1am. Nothings open at those times and he's not going to be out in the dark on an assault course or anywhere till that time. So I presume after his training session he is going somewhere else. Sorry to say but he's telling lies.
Why don't you question him more? LikE which track he goes to and which gym or class and at what times he's there. You have nothing to lose. Let's see if he stutters at the questioning then I would go and actually see if he is where he says he is at those times and till 1am. If not then you know he's lying and then I would prob follow him. Most gyms shut at 10pm so maybe this is the time he's playing away after 10pm - follow him. I you need to know the truth for your own sake .

Let us know how u get on,

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perfumedlife · 02/04/2011 13:36

So sorry Porcelina.

Did he actively want to have the second child? Was wondering if he was acting out because he wasn't ready to lose you again to another baby? Not excusing it btw. I also thought affair. Whatever the reason, he has jumped ship emotionally and cannot stay.

The only way to salvage respect here is tell him to leave now. And let him find the words for his ds Sad

The sooner he can start his new life the quicker he can find it wanting, and find some much needed respect for you and what you cope with.

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MigratingCoconuts · 02/04/2011 13:39

I think your gut instinct sounds good. Even if the route of this turns out to be a depression, the OW may come into the mix at some point, as you realise.

You need him to go sooner than later. Actually for his sake as well. If he is going need to confront the reality of this to sort himself out as well...and that is, in the long run, better for your kids.

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Porcelina · 02/04/2011 14:02

Thanks all.
In reply to some of your questions:
positivesteps - he would be training in the dark. It's a floodlit assult course / archery centre and also his main martial art is ninjutsu and they pride themselves on stealth and night-combat so training in the near-dark would be perfect for him!!!!!
I have checked up on the classes / places he says he's going to and all have been spot on. Also from the insane bruises he has covering him, he's clearly doing lots of full-contact sports.

mouseface - yes things would continue on a functional level. Evenings won't be spent sitting together as he's out Every Single Evening. We would eat together (depending what shift he's on) as a family. Things would carry on as they are now and have been for the past few months.

perfumedlife - ds2 wasn't planned. We'd always said we wanted another child, but not at that time. It took some getting used to for both of us. Of course neither of us would change it now - we love ds2 absolutely - but at 3 weeks old he developed the most horrendous colic and screamed all day. it lasted for 6 weeks and was the hardest time of my life. We literally spent the time passing a screaming baby between us, pacing, rocking until he fell asleep. I was a mess, it nearly broke me. DH would come home from work to find me in pieces very often. I'm sure it was equally hard on him and I suspect some of the running he's being doing has been, on some level, running away from what he was feeling.

He says he can't say for sure he doesn't love me. He doesn't feel anything. He says he knows he loves me as a person, as the mother of his children, he respects me (?) but doesn't feel 'in love' or have any sexual feelings for me or at all, in fact. He's hoping the time apart will help to clarify things in his head as he wants to make sure he's making the right choice. He says he knows what he'd be giving up if we split up properly, but staying wouldn't be fair to me, so he needs to leave to make sure! x

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Zellys · 02/04/2011 14:17

Porcelina fwiw I can believe he's 'just' training - I wouldn't be at all surprised if he's gotten so into the mentality that he's decided his emotional life needs to be a perfect temple too - I have some experience of that. Whatever's going on, he's so self-absorbed he's happy to walk out on his family (he has done this already, really, even if technically at the same address).

If the time apart is intended to clarify his feelings, tell him there's no point delaying and he needs to get out and start clarifying right now.

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Deliainthemaking · 02/04/2011 14:53

Like many other I wouldn't be surprised if martial arts is something else, even so
I think ur best to move on or let him move on, Hold your head high your the better party here

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MollieO · 02/04/2011 15:28

I would query what he is doing between 9pm and 1am every night. There won't be any floodlit assault course open at 1am.

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