Divorce: unexpectedly feeling sad

[ChangingWoman]

After a long downward spiral caused by DH's drinking, depression and money issues we finally bit the bullet and decided to divorce last week. We've tried everything from counselling to AA to therapy and just ended up back in the same place again and again.

I've been angry and fed up with DH for so long that I was really surprised that once the dust began to settle, the main thing I feel is sadness. I expected to be angry and relieved when our marriage ended.

But it feels like we've both finally stepped out of a programme which was set by his own parents' marriage, and I can see him as his own person (rather than a collection of problems and bad habits) again for the first time in years.

It isn't regret that I feel. I've learned that no matter what I do, I can't have a respectful marriage of equals with an alcoholic. I also know that his behaviour and our relationship aren't setting a good example to our children.

I'm just so sad that he's still lovable, I still love him and yet it makes no difference whatsoever. It nearly made me cry on the train this morning.

[suburbophobe]

I'm so sorry to read you are going through this, divorce is horrible (I've been through it), but you are bound to feel sad, it's the end of a "dream" and a major life change!

You will go through lots of different and sometimes confusing emotions, go easy on yourself, you have to give it time, and let those tears come (in the privacy of me-time) cos they help to heal.

Sounds like you have given it your all to make it work, but one cannot "fix" other people, it has to come from within themselves (maybe this will be the catalyst for your DH to do it).

Loving someone doesn't stop necessarily when you divorce, it's not a tap you can switch on and off.

I think your children will thank you later for showing them that self-sacrifice in a bad relationship is not the way forward.

Wishing you all the best for the future!