Need help, a slap...something...please

[headinamess]

I'm writing this after reading a few threads where women are in the process of finding out about their husbands' affairs. I read those threads with my heart in my mouth, because in my situation, I'm the straying partner, and I know I'm behaving every bit as badly as some of those men.

The thing is though, I'm so sad, anxious and ill and I really don't know what to do or where to turn.

Almost a year ago I confessed to my husband that I'd had an affair. It still feels weird typing those words, but I can't sit here and say it was out of character for me, because it wasn't, was it? I did it and I have to own it.

I've been having psychotherapy for six years, before, during and subsequent to the affair, and believe me, I have done some serious soul searching about what it was about my relationship with my husband and what it was about myself that led me to make those decisions.

My husband and I also had relationship counselling, at my insistence, and to my eternal shame I resumed the affair during the counselling. The counselling was useful however, and I don't think I would have ended the affair and confessed without it.

Just to provide a bit of background, my marriage has been a very difficult one at times. My husband admits that for years he didn't listen to me over some very serious issues between us, which left me feeling very unimportant in the marriage. I didn't always express myself well - I have an over-emotional personality, which leads my husband to retreat further away, which leads me to shout louder - and so it goes on.

My self esteem was at rock bottom for years, which I think is what made me vulnerable to the attentions of the OM. My husband I got together when we were very young and I was a virgin, and quite uptight about sex. However, as the years wore on, and with the help of therapy, I started to want to experiment more, but my husband seemed reluctant. I bought toys, sexy underwear, books - he showed no interest other than going through the motions because he thought I wanted him to. Even now, after almost twenty years together, I've never ever received a sexy gift from him - not so much as a pair of sexy knickers or stockings. That makes me feel totally unattractive on a bad day, on a good day that perhaps our sex drives are mismatched. I don't know - is that normal?


Now we come to the OM. He was married, a player, he lied to me, he was a serial philanderer. He pursued me relentlessly for months. I am in no way trying to absolve myself from responsibility for what I did - I fully had my part to play in everything that happened. The thing is, despite him being a bloody loser and a bad bet, he gave me a taste of what it's like to be desired, plus we got along great, it was such an easy relationship in a lot of ways. That seems weird, as most of the time we spent together was spent angsting over what we were doing, and we never even had sexual intercourse, but there just seemed to be an easy fit, where there hadn't been with my husband. Needless to say, I fell in love with him. I know it's pathetic and teenage and classic mid-life crisis territory, but it happened. I still have strong feelings for him, if I'm honest, even without contact. The other scary thing is, that I don't feel guilty, but that could be the therapy - I have a good understanding of the reasons for the affair, so while I'm sorry for what I did, I don't feel guilty as such.

Which brings me to the present day. I can't seem to fall back in love with my husband. I can recognise that he's great, he's forgiven me, we've both made major changes to our lives that should safeguard our marriage for the future. I've had no contact with the OM for almost a year. But many of the things that bothered me about my relationship with my husband (mostly centred around sex and emotional intimacy) are still there, and now I'm not in a position to complain about them, because I've lost the moral high ground.

I've tried telling him how I feel, but that just seems to rub his nose in it. I've told him that I think it might be better if we separate, but he just says I know what I have to do (ie go, because he's not going to) and that he isn't going to just roll over. I would love us to stay friends and co-parent, but he says he just isn't interested in that, he couldn't be my friend if we weren't together. The thought of that just devastates me.

We have two dcs who are 10 and 12, and to be honest, I think they are the reason we are still together.

I don't really know why I'm writing this. I think I know what I have to do, I'm just not up to doing it. If anything, I just want this to serve as a warning for anyone tempted by an affair. Don't do it. It really isn't worth the pain.

[headinamess]

Just bumping - I need some perspective, or a flaming. Something. Please.

[ElsieR]

You sound really unhappy.
You can't have your cake and eat it. If you think that the best option for you is to separate from DH, then you must accept that he will not be your friend and some resentment he might have from your affair might resurface.
But maybe this would be a better option than being unhappily married esp after you tried couple counselling.
Best of luck.

[headinamess]

I am Elsie, but I can't face putting my happiness above my boys' - they would be devastated if we split.

Thank you for replying.

[ElsieR]

Yes I understand. My parents divorced when I was very young. It was not always a bed of roses esp with step parents but I think it's probably better than seeing your parents miserable together.
But whatever you chose to do, it's your call.

[headinamess]

Yes, it is.

I need to man up.

[PeterAndreForPM]

You both sound very unhappy

In a few shor years, your dc will be grown up and flying the nest

I always think it a mistake to stay togeher purely the childrens sake

They will be shocked and unhappy for a while, of course, but they will move on

when they are adults, they are unlikely to thank you for sacrificing your own happiness for theirs...it just doesn't work like that

a miserable mother and father is no role model, I am afraid

better to split now though than in GCSE year ?

what will you do when they move out...stay together in a loveless marriage, wih awful resentment on both sides

if you split as soon as they move out, they will be angry at you both and feel like their childhood was a complete lie

can you see where I am going with his ?

if you want to split with your husband, you can put obstacles in your way if you like, but staying with someone out of duty is never a good idea because it damages everyone

if your H is a nice guy, he will meet someone else, if you don't love him perhaps you should give him the chance ?

[headinamess]

I've presented all these arguments to dh. Which, when I write it down, seems like a pretty shitty thing to do.

It's as if I want his permission to leave. It's not that - he wouldn't ever give it, would he?

It's just that I think it would be best for the kids if we sat them down together and presented it as a joint decision, with loads of reassurance etc.

He says that he could never let the boys think that he wanted to leave them.

So basically, he has said, if you want me to go, you'll have to grow a pair and throw me out.

Which is a fucking hard thing to do when you're the one who's had the affair.

So my other option is to pack a bag and go.

[ElsieR]

You sound like you sort of want him to make the decision for you.
If you want to go, bite the bullet and do it. Do it knowing that it's going to be tough before it gets better.

[PeterAndreForPM]

Would he accept counselling together to try and find a way forward

The situation you are in sounds like stalemate and in need of a 3rd party to see the wood for the trees

I kinda understand his stubborn-ness...why should he lose his comfortable family set-up because of something you did or because of the way you feel ?

I think he is making a mistake though, and I think he would be happier wih someone else

Him digging his heels in is acually holding back his life...maybe counselling will help ?

He can't be happy living like his, surely ?

[headinamess]

But you never just leave your husband do you?

You leave your kids as well. I don't want to do that.

I feel trapped.

[PeterAndreForPM]

soory, the italics buggered up there

[headinamess]

I've told him he deserves someone better, someone who loves him properly, that he will have a better life.

He just says he wants me, wants our family, thinks we can get better, etc.

I've begged him for counselling, but he says he can't do that because I didn't tell the whole truth the first time we did it.

Everywhere I look, it's my fault.

[wendihouse22]

You must take responsibility for this. If you want to end this relationship, don't ask him to do it for you. Maybe, admitting the affair was a way of asking him to end it but, he chose not to. You've had counselling/therapy and..... you're still in an unhappy place, both of you.

Staying together for the kids isn't good. They know already, I'm sure, that mum and dad are miserable. Initially, a split will be difficult but kids are resilient and if your husband remains a good (though separate) father to them, they will recover. Assuming they remain with you. They will grow up and away and then it's you and him. Just the two of you.

Sometimes, it's best to make a decision and move forward. Sometimes, it's easier just to stay put but if you do, you have to really work at getting this relationship back on track. A different track maybe but one that you can both be happy with.

Here's a tale of caution. Years ago, a woman was married for 20 years to a man who thought she was happy, thought THEY were happy. Nice home, comfortable lifestyle, great kids. Ups and downs, yes but, nothing that wasn't workable. Then, she met someone, a married man, a kindred spirit. An affair ensued for the best part of 3 years. It all came out. Her husband, devastated, wanted to sort things out, stay together. Wife agreed but secretly continued the affair. When husband discovered this, divorce was set in motion. Upheaval for the kids, house moves, pain. Nine years on, the husband has met and remarried another. He is happy. The wife is alone. Her kids have gone on the uni. She is by all accounts unhappy... and distraught that her (now) exhusband has moved on and has a new life. He is a good father still to his kids, was consistent in his relationship with them and life is good for him.

I am his new wife.

[headinamess]

I'm glad your husband is happy, wendi.

I'd never resume the affair, we've been through too much hurt to go through that again.

I wouldn't mind being alone, I'm crap at being married, evidently. I'd never EVER do it again.

If I could just take a pill and wake up tomorrow morning and feel that this marriage was enough for me, I'd do it.

But it all feels too late.

[PeterAndreForPM]

well, it is your fault

but really, you cannot allow him o punish you about this for the rest of your life

no-one should be forced to stay in a relationship they don't want to

your husband needs to find some self-respect, tbh

I wouldn't out up with you, I would be off (meant in the nicest way, honest )

but really, I agree that he shouldn't be the one to leave his home

I think what you may have to do, if he really won't budge, is issue divorce proceedings and let he legal side take over

eventually you will be forced to sell he house and a settlement made either way

what a shame if it came to that though

if that's what it takes ? Have you told him this ? Does he realise how serious you are...or are you not really convinced yourself ?

I sense a little bit of ambivalence in you tbh....have you been completely truhful that you no longer love him or have you been hedging your own bets too ?

[headinamess]

I know what you mean, Peter, I've said that to him as well - what do you get out of this?

I can't hand on heart say I don't love him. Of course I love him, we've grown up together, he's the father of my children.

But does my heart beat faster when I look at him? No. Do I look forward to seeing him at the end of the day? No. Do I feel lighter when he's away, or I'm on my own with the boys? Yes.



The thing is, I started feeling like this years before OM came on the scene, and begged him for counselling then. He point blank refused. I only wish we could have sorted it out then, then things wouldn't be so awful now, and I wouldn't have gone against everything I believe in.

[wendihouse22]

I feel sad for you, headinamess.

My cautionary tale wasn't meant to be a poke in the eye for "naughty" wives who have affairs. I'm sure your husband's contribution to the demise of your relationship is very valid and I know my husband's ex, despite her regrets years later, WAS NOT HAPPY IN THE MARRIAGE, AT THE TIME OF THE AFFAIR.

Sometimes, once the decision has been made and the split set in motion, painful as it is, it becomes apparent that, it is for the best and a better future awaits.

Good luck to you. Whatever you decide.

[headinamess]

Thank you wendi.

[PeterAndreForPM]

I feel sad for you too, head

It really is a mess

In your shoes, I would start divorce proceedings

In his shoes, I would start divorce proceedings

It seems quite clear to me, but then of course I am not living in your house

[headinamess]

That's the thing, isn't it?

Seems simple in black and white, but life's rarely that.

I suppose I'll just have to soldier on, try to do the right thing and hope that the way forward becomes apparent for one or both of us sooner or later.

Thanks all.

[Mouseface]

You won't be leaving your DCs though, why would you?

Do you think he would go for 100% residancey?

I know you were the one to have the affair and if you were a man, you'd be crispy on the outside by now but you know you've fucked up, which is massively different to the most of the OPs on here. You are owning your fuck up.

So, no flaming from me.

You sound so very low though, and confussed as to what you should be doing now.

What do YOU want? You realise that every time you and your H have a cross word, this will be thrown in your face don't you?

It's not nice or healthy so he has to accpet what happened and move on or you have to leave HIM.

Not the DC, him.

[PeterAndreForPM]

right thing for whom ?

[Mouseface]

X posted head sorry

[headinamess]

That's just it, he doesn't throw it in my face. Not really. He's been text book exemplary since he found out.

He hasn't even got angry really.

He's just determined to hold on to his family, which on the one hand I respect him for, on the other hand, I don't, because I think that families can work in all sorts of ways - blended, etc. He says he thinks all that is bollocks, that marriage is for life and that any doubts I had about our relationship I should have acted on before I agreed to marry him.

I'm horrible.

[wendihouse22]

Hold on a minute there, head.....

At some point, you HAVE to stop beating yourself with a big stick for your affair. It happened. For a reason. It ended. You have tried to move on from it and your husband ought not to say "but you didn't tell the truth last time..." You should have the opportunity to move forward either together or alone.

You won't be leaving your kids.

You may not be leaving your home. You may get to stay in it....I did after my divorce from first husband.

It sounds like your husband's confidence has taken a beating but, he cannot punish you for this affair ad infinitum!!!!