Continuing sister problems

[SisHatesMe]

Hi there,

I had some fantastic advice from people here during this: Sister has disowned me and wondered if you'd oblige me again.

My sister responded to my email in the new year and said that she was furious with me but would 'forgive' me 'this time'. She's since had her baby and I hoped everything would calm down.

I don't know whether I'm being over sensitive but she has a dig at me every single time I see her. She seems to really dislike me, picks at everything I say, almost deliberately misunderstands me and today implied that I'm a thief. She hates me, but then sometimes she's fine and we can have a normal, friendly conversation.

The difference is me. I feel I can't speak around her, that I'm constantly tip toeing around trying not to upset her. It's awful to be around someone that thinks you're such a horrible person and it's really starting to upset me.

I don't want to cut her off for all of the reasons I didn't want her to cut me off, but I feel utterly miserable, full of self-doubt and anxiety. I don't know how to handle this.

[yummincepie]

I would tell her how you feel, or write it down for her like you have here. It's clear on your part anyway things are strained to say the least. If you don't say anything she will carry on treating you like this.

Family relationships can sometimes be hard for whatever reason.

[yummincepie]

sorry that last bit was just I don't know the history of your last thread

[clam]

I've just read your link. I'm sorry things are still rough. Not sure if you ever discovered what you'd done wrong that she "decided to forgive," but just wanted to say that I thought you came across as very fair and measured in the telling of the backstory, and it's very sad that she's still playing silly beggars.
Lots of people had great advice and insights, although I must say that the hormonal part of me just wanted to advise giving her a good slap! You sound too nice for that, though!

Sorry, I haven't anything more helpful to add, but didn't want to leave you unanswered.

[NewPathways]

Hi OP,

It struck me reading through your last thread that there are two possibilities

1. Everything she claims is actual fact and everyone else in the family is in denial
   

or

1. Your sister has Borderline personality disorder
   

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder

It's a personality disorder where the person is hypersensitive, moody, dramatic, switches suddenly between idealizing and demonizing others. They also have a habit of seeing things in black and white.

She perceives that she was mistreated and overlooked in the family but no-one else can see it. In her mind this is all actually happening if she is borderline. Borderlines have very little insight so if she is that way, she would see your denials as part of an orchestrated evil and cynical campaign against her.

[TeachMySelfBalance]

Here is a life skill for you:
and it is too bad that things have to come to this point but:
sometimes you just have to stop caring.

You can not change her, but you can change you/how you relate to her.

The circumstance continues on and on without end and you will eventually come to a fork in the road. Either you will manifest your self-respect or she will destroy your self-respect. Which way you go is your choice-but to stand up for yourself you will need a plan of action (and use it); inaction will keep her in the driver's seat and you are complicitly agreeing to be emotionally abused by her.

Self-respect is a foundational element to mental health, imho. If you are "utterly miserable, full of self-doubt and anxiety" then, imho, it may not be mentally healthy for you to be around her. Just saying; verification from a licensed counsellor would offer you some clarity.

Stop reacting to her. Your protests are entertainment to her. They put her in the center of attention-a way to control, superiority points at your expense. Your protests are actually poisioning yourself-you may feel like you need to offer rebuttal for 'your side', but with people like this you don't get a side. So stop protesting, stop engaging at all and stop caring what she thinks, says, feels.

Let that be your foundation with her, then if she is playing nice-nice then you can too. It is easier to go from your protected strategy to sincerity than the other way around.

Good luck. I put up with similar from my sister for decades. I have finally chosen to severely limit contact, 3 years ago, and I am still trying to get over the damage she has done to my self-esteem.

[SisHatesMe]

Thanks everyone. I'm not sure about the borderline personality, I looked at the link and can see some elements that are very similar.

If I were treated this way by almost anyone else I would just walk away from it. My sister told a mutual friend that she was finally sticking up for herself and not taking any shit from her family. Fair enough, if that's what she thinks; she was always needy and demanding but now she's nasty too.

I'm so sick of having to analyse every last comment in case it might upset her in some way. I'm fed up of being bitched at and having to smile and take it in case my reply sets her off.

It still seems terribly sad that I'm even considering avoiding her on a more regular basis.

[clam]

What struck me about you previous thread was how thoughtful and accommodating to your sister's needs you sounded. Yet there were a significant number of people who suggested that she might be justified in feeling hard-done-by even if, or particularly if you and your family were unaware of it.
Or, of course, she might just be spoilt and with an over-inflated sense of entitlement who is finally chucking her toys out of the pram big-time.
I think it's her problem, not yours.

[garlicbutter]

This is a tricky one. I know that my sister - the Golden Girl in my eyes - feels that I play the martyr, am making too much of my ishoos and imagine stuff about our abusive childhood. There is a difference in that we both accept our childhood was abusive - but, to her, it "wasn't that bad". I remember things that happened to her, which she's completely blanked out of her memory.

Because of this difference in perspective with my sister, I am tempted to think yours has a similar problem. I honestly doubt whether you could speak to her about it with sufficient detachment to get to the bottom of things - or if she could. Going by my own experience, she'd be able to talk about it calmly if she was doing therapy over it but you've said nothing to suggest she is.

I tend to agree with TMSB. Whether your sister is suffering from a problematic mental illness or is, indeed, beginning to discover unpleasant truths about her childhood, there's not much you can do about it. I imagine it will be best to stop worrying about her opinion. Easier said, I know! When dealing with her, you need to stay very balanced, very centred in yourself, and keep interactions to the civil minimum.

Above all - don't try arguing about her beliefs. There's no point; you'll only tie yourself in knots. I hope I don't need to add that she clearly is in pain, whatever the source of it, so there's no harm in offering sympathy for that. Just don't get bogged down in the whys & wherefores.
Good luck :)