MIL and mind games

[Skinit]

Is this passive agressive behaviour? She's here staying in an apartment nearby for one month...she lives overseas. Basically she involves herself in the minutae of our every day lives.

She arrives at 8.30am and stays till' 7.30 or so....she is just IN my face for hours.

Today we all went out...me her and DH with our 2 dc.

At one point we split up as DH was going to pay for a new TV...she has forced given hr opinion on what TV we should get to DH obsessivly for the last 2 days and when I interject with my opinion she blanks me...it's as though I never spoke.

Ayway...DH went to pay for the TV but the DC were tired and wanted home. So MIL and I got a cab and went home. Arriving home I realised DH had my key and my phone...he had taken them from me this morning while I did something with our DD and I forgot to ask for them back.

So MiL calls DH on her phone and then when I ask her questions as to where he is and will he be home soon, she blanks me! Totally ignores me and looks down fiddling with her fcking phone.

I had to say "MIL! MIL...what did he say?" about four times and she is NOT deaf.

then when DH comes in...she starts planning the fucking evening meal with him!

"Oh shall we cook that steak?"

I don't give a shit if he's her son...this is my house, my kitchen and my fridge.....I at least should be included in he conversation.

DH does include me when she does this but he won't admit she's doing anything wrong...he makes out she doesn't "know" what she's doing.

There are other things...this is just the last few hours.

What can I do? I end up sulking and getting in a snapy mood and DH gets pissed off with me and we argue.

[Gooseberrybushes]

Oh dear. First of all know you are not wrong. This is passive aggressive behaviour and she doesn't like you.

[Gooseberrybushes]

Secondly, don't sulk.

Tell your husband to deal with it or you will.

Thirdly, if he won't deal with it, get up tomorrow morning at 0730, take the children and go out for the day with them on your own.

That'll teach 'em. If she can sit there blanking you and your husband gets cross because you object, they deserve it. Don't get mad, get even. Go to breakfast at Starbucks then a day at a farm.

Give it one more day then take drastic action. What a nightmare.

[Skinit]

I could cry because I ranted to DH about her and he's all huffy....because he feels I am moody. He also thinks I should put up with her because she doessn't gt to see her grandkids much...well excuse me it's not my fault I live here!

[Skinit]

Goose I wish I could but there's not the spare csh for that and I can't drive. We did a day out today...and the budgets not there.

[Skinit]

I can't not sulk.....I feel pushed out.

[Gooseberrybushes]

He won't want to hear horrible things about his mum. Of course what he should do is say -- I hear you, I'm sorry it's so awful for you, these are the reasons why, I'll do what I can to make you feel better, please be patient with her for my sake.

If he's going to get stroppy as well then just take the children and go out for the day.

[Skinit]

I can't take the kids out...I have no spare cash and cannot drive.

I want to go and hide away upstairs but why should I?? IN my own home?

I hate this.

He's had to get the TV now..gone off o collect it...so I said to him that he had beter take MIL with him as I've had enough. He wasn't alking to me when he left.

[Gooseberrybushes]

Oh right that's a problem then.

What time do the children wake up?

Can you get up 0700, make a flask of coffee, make a breakfast picnic and go down to the swings. Spend the morning feeding the ducks and stuff.

You will feel a lot better from having nice time with the children and sticking one in her face at the same time.

[Gooseberrybushes]

Yes, if the children are in bed hide in your room tonight with a cup of tea and a plate of chocolate biscuits and a magazine.

She's been vile to you.

[Skinit]

I actually did it the other day...buggered off with DD2 while DD1 was at school...we whizzed off earrly and went shopping and to the cafe. It was wonderful!

I realised how much she takes...it's one month a year...or sometimes 2...but she gets her bloody moneys' worth! And I feel like I'm being violated for the wole time.

I could put up with her being here if she wasn't so passive agressive.

I think tomorrow I will bugger of early to the park with the DC.

Is it me or s it shit that me and DH don't get any time alone with the kids for the whole month?

[feeblephoebe]

id be blowed if i would get up at 7 on a sunday morning to run away and hide with my kids

just ignore her as she ignores you

if she says shall we cook the steak, say no i have already cooked the lamb and if she cooks the steak anyway, dont eat it lol

play her at her own game

[Skinit]

I have been phoebe but it's so tiring and so against who I am!

I hadn't cooked nything...she gets in first...she knows I've not cooked so shoves in.

I have to be always either allowing her to be Matriarch or fighting my corner.

I thnk removing the DDs a bit along with myself is a far better idea than knakering myself.

[Gooseberrybushes]

Ok Skinit: go out tomorrow and just disappear.

When you come back ask them: what are we having for dinner?

Let them cook it. Let her do it. Put your feet up or have some fun with the children in the garden. Assume she's going to do it. that will really annoy her. Take her for granted.

[Skinit]

I think that's the best idea Gooseberry...I will. I will remove the DDs and then maybe she'll start to respect me more.

If she doesn't I'll d the same thing the day after. She'll soon get the message.

I will stake her for bloody granted now!

thanks for your understanding.

[not an evil DIL emoticon]

[Skinit]

"I will take her for granted" not stake her....on the other hand...

[giveitago]

Ohh just like mine but mine stays for a few months in our flat. Ditto your story.

I think if your dh likes her like this then that's it. My dh does and actually empowers her to be like this and she does the same for him. I think it's called a 'special relationship'.

But it's bloody offensive to find that you are suplerflous to your own family's needs and have to go with her dietary requirements. My dh would never back me up so I actually once had it out with mil. I do want her to feel comfortable here but not to the point were home is completely overtaken by her.

She played the big victim and never visited here again. Sounds perfect but it's even worse as we have to keep flying over to her at her every beck and call (that involves faux illnesses etc).

Tackle her.

[giveitago]

Oh and agree with whoever said just let her take over and wear herself out and you just spend quality time with the kids.

I did a bit of that and she was FUMING.

[Skinit]

I don't care if she IS fuming giveitago....I have had t out with DH now...and he's sorry...bu as for her...she can see how it feels to get played.

[hambo]

I am watching this with fear...my MIL comes in June for 3 months....in my house....and she also blanks me. Totally, as if I am not there! Reading this thinking will I make it out alive????

[giveitago]

Go for it skinit. Plan some nice time mummy child time - turn the entire situation on it's head.

I remember picking up ds from nursery and walking straight past home (she was at the window waiting) and to the park - she came flying out of the door saying 'wait wait' - but she didn't have the keys and had to go back in. SHAME. Again, she played the big victim but it's not my job to entertain every single second of the day when she tamples over my life.

[WonderBall]

My mother in law is very passive aggressive too. I think the hardest bit was just accepting that she will always be like this. I spent quite a long time incredulous and unable to understand why anyone would behave like that. I kept trying the same polite tactics (asking her to respond when she didnt) for a long time until I realised they dont work and you have to try a totally different approach.

Its taken quite some time and still doesnt come very naturally but I have found being really direct usually stops it dead. e.g. "lets cook the steak" "I decide what we eat for dinner in this house"

You might feel really uncomfortable doing it, but it works as a passive aggressive person will never openly challenge you - thats what is is all about for them, manipulating by being sly and underhand and never overt. You will either get stunned silence (and acceptance) or a long string of apologetic excuses. (which you just ignore and then carry on doing what you want to do)

I have noticed MIL picks on "easier" targets now and gives me much more respect. You dont need to do it often but being assertive (while keeping it non-aggresive) will stop her manipulations, and show your DH that there is clear disagreement on something and he needs to be aware of it (and take your side)

I love the other ideas of beating her at her own game though and taking the children out by yourself! I must confess I have used "DS time" to my advantage too, just to show who really has the power - it works.

good luck skinit (and hambo)

[Skinit]

Oh thank you wonderball...it's true...I have been incredulous at the way she is.

I just told DH about what she does when he's nt around and he listened and said she's always been weird in some ways....explained that she's often fallen out with her friends and then had to make new ones.

I have also said that I won't be left alone with her anymore....not at all.

He understands.

[Skinit]

hambo....I advise you to set the rules fast....if you want to decide on the catering do so early on....tell MIL to help hersel to coffees etc or you'll be like a maid.

[chocciemum]

OMG I couldn't cope. In future, can't you tell her two weeks is long enough.

if it's cold/raining etc tomorrow, what about a library/museum.

When I was pregnant, we moved in with PIL for a couple of months until house sale was complete. She cooked for her, FIL, DP and his siblings every night, but not me. And he would eat it. I often arrived home from work whilst they were partway through. I kept telling him he should wait/cook/have tea with me etc. No-one thought this was a problem, despite several comments from me, until i went fucking nuts.

[Skinit]

It's too far to come for two weeks choccie...

at your MIL and your DP! How ttally weird of them all!