Getting nothing back but giving everything

[ResentingItAll]

DH and I married last April. We had been together two years previous to that. We has a low paid job and he and his son lived in an ex-council house whilst I am a qualified professional and DS and I lived in a 3 bedroom semi. Therefore the arrangment was that they would move in with me. I was totally prepared for having to pay more towards the costs of everything as I earned more but as it is now I'm starting to resent every penny. DH seems to think it is DSS's right to have the latest trainers, video games, designer school bags etc as one of us is a "high earner" (I don't earn that much!! less than £25k). Therefore I get called "tight" and "stingy" if I dare say no. DH seems to forget there are two kids here, not just one and if I'm buying one a pair of £60 trainers - the total cost is bound to escalate to £120 once the other one gets wind of it!
I really resent so much of my money going on DSS and I know that sounds awful but there is a difference between providing for a child and totally spoiling a child. Before they moved in DS never got designer trainers etc (maybe once a year but he'd have to put some of his pocket money towards them). My next bugbear is the holiday situation. We have booked a 2 week holiday to Orlando. The original hotel we booked DSS got his dad alone and convinced him it was "crap" and "cheap" and so I was stupidly convinced by DH to upgrade it. I later realised this had again been for the benefit of DSS who wanted a water park incorporated into the hotel!!! DH has now come up with a long list of clothing DSS wants for the holiday, most of which I'll be expected to pay for. DH has also gone and booked a dolphin swim for us all (requested again by dss) which I'll have to pay for. Dss came home from school yesterday with a letter about a trip to Paris - DH agreed "we" would pay for him to go without even asking me about it first.
I just feel like I'm working my arse off all week and the majority of my spare cash is going on DSS. I've tried speaking to DH but all I get is "you said you'd take him on and treat him if he was yours and now you're deciding you don't like putting your hand in your pocket" etc etc
The state of the house too, since they moved in its just a tip. DSS broke the fridge door, got jam all over a white wall, has wrecked his bedroom carpet and broke the blinds in there, I feel like I'm just getting totally taken advantage of but when I say anything it just sounds like I'm being a stingy snob.

[squeakytoy]

Difficult one. But you are going to have to put your foot down and be firm with this before it gets totally out of hand.

Is this childs mother on the scene at all? Does she contribute to her sons champagne lifestyle?

I do fear you are being taken for a bit of a ride by the pair of them. How old is this stepson?

Does your own son get on ok with his stepdad and stepbrother? because I can see him getting resentful in time to come if this situation carries on.

[atswimtwolengths]

Oh god, tell these people to leave now! You can't put up with this! They both sound absolutely awful. Your poor son, having to live with this! Tell them to get out now!

[waterrat]

OP you need to stop this at once. Seriously - put some boundaries down - write down what the rules are for BOTH children if you need to, to show that you are treating them fairly.

But, sorry to say this, your H sounds like he is treating you very badly. are you happy in other ways?

[atswimtwolengths]

I'm amazed nobody thinks she should end the relationship. Her partner is obviously taking advantage of her.

[Drizzela]

Ah the emotional bank account... The balance needs to be addressed or this CANNOT work. He's taking out way more than he is putting in.

Why doesnt he work? Does his ex contribute?

Between my partner and I we earn 4 times what you do and we couldnt afford the lifestyle you describe. Can you sit him down with the bank statement and a SOA (find one on money saving expert, it shows your incoming and out goings) so that he can see what can be afforded?

Its not fair on your son to go without so that little lord fauntleroy can be kept in trainers.

[squeakytoy]

Its not just a relationship though. It is a marriage, and as such there are a lot of tied financial implications, including the house. I wouldnt say it was a "kick the bastards out" situation. It is a case of sitting down as a couple, having a serious talk about shared finances and shared children. The next step is to show a united front to BOTH children and explain that there isnt a limitless pot of money, that both children will be treated equally, and that the adults are in charge of making financial decisions, not the children.

The husband may have no idea of how to manage money, the child even less idea.

If it is a good marriage in all other ways, then sorting this problem out is the solution, not the divorce courts.

[Krepsly]

People tend to become accustomed to what they earn and so if he's always been on a low wage, he probably see's £25k a year as a massive pay packet and maybe genuinly doesn't realise you can't afford all these things.

I know I used to think anyone earning over £20k a year was "loaded". I was earning £9k at the time. Recently however, as I become closer to qualifying as a nurse I have sat down and done the sums properly and the reality of it is, if you earn £20k a year, you lose a hell of a lot of support off the government and you end up not much better off than you were on minimum wage, especially if your housing costs rise etc.

I'm not sticking up for him, I'm just saying that maybe he genuinly thinks you are loaded and perhaps he needs a reality check! He also needs to stop allowing himself to be manipulated by a child by the sounds of it.

[antlerqueen]

Tell him you don't buy your child expensing stuff for the sake of it (assuming you don't), so why should you buy them for his son?

[antlerqueen]

expensive, gah

[BalloonSlayer]

What does your DS get, OP?

Does he get the designer stuff, games etc?

[Portofino]

No, no, no! You have to sit DH down and discuss a budget. Its not down to you treating the kids differently, it what you can afford as a family.

I am amazed personally that you can afford ANY of these things!

[SmellsLikeTeenStrop]

You could just point out to your DH that you are treating DSS like you're own because you certainly don't give DS everything he demands the minute he demands it.

You can say no and you need to say no otherwise you'll find yourself in a whole mountain of debt. It's really not worth it just for the sake of a quiet life.

Does your DH contribute any more to the household running costs and for clothing for the children?

[beautifulnight]

Where's the mother OP? Does DSS live with you permanently ie did DH get custody?

This does sound very unhealthy, particularly the accusations of being tight if you protest. Just don't get that - is he paying for anything, or are you paying for everything?

DH may not 'understand' money but that's just too bad, you've got to understand it, whatever income you're on.

[HansieMom]

This is so unfair. You are getting taken advantage of by your DH and manipulated by the DSS. The kid is probably gleeful--I'm getting her to buy me anything I want, and he can tell his buddies how his vacation will be at a resort w an aquapark. And he's getting new clothes too. Will coach seats be adequate?

I'm sorry, that sounds bitchy. It's just that it is such an unfair situation--DH has his hand out all the time. Gimmee, gimme, gimmee.

What if you separated and they can move to wherever and you can reclaim your house. DH can buy things for his son that he can afford. They can clean, wash and cook for themselves and vacation at a place they choose--and pay for.

[Teachermumof3]

What does he contribute to the household?

I'm sorry, but he sounds rather unpleasant.

[NorbertDentressangle]

I agree with what previous posters have said about the fact they are taking the piss.

Could you give both boys a weekly/monthly allowance that they need to save and use for things like trainers, clothes, luxuries. That way if your DSS wants the latest XYZ then the ball is in his court to save up his allowance for it.

That way both boys are given the same amount.

[newbeemummy]

If your own DS was always getting new stuff and you were refusing DSS, then I would possibly agree with your DP.

However it sounds like you're being taken advantage of, I hope DSS is being expected to pay for a repaired door and carpet and will be spending his weekend cleaning and painting the wall he ruined?

Does your DP work? Did his DS always have the latest and greatest kit before they moved in?

[Teachermumof3]

Does your own DS get lots of new stuff? If he doesn't then surely your DH can see that it's not fair his DS does. Where is his mum-does she pay for anything (sorry if I've missed that)?

Is your name on the mortgage or is it joint? He seems to really be freeloading :(