Police question about shouting

[policequestion]

This morning, my DH really lost his temper with me. Really shouting in a very aggressive way - made DS2 cry (DS1 was still asleep).

I was quite frightened, not that he would hit me or anything, but just that it was very intimidating.

It has happened before but very rarely, maybe twice in the last 5 years.

My question is, what would have happened if I had called the police? Would they have taken me seriously or thought I was wasting their time over 'just a row'

I need to make it very clear that this is not acceptable or excusable in any way (stressed at work, sleep deprived etc) but I don't know how to really get the message across. I know he will be very sorry but, it's not enough.

[purepurple]

The definition of child abuse has been extended to include emotional abuse of children who witness agression and violence between their parents in their own home, so I would think that the police would take you seriously.
There is a link between childhood experiences and emotional resilience, and even juvinile deliguency. I am not suggesting that your children have been damaged, but the potential is there.

[VivaLeBeaver]

I think that shouting in such a manner is emotional abuse. Has he done it before? Can you talk to him when he's calmer about how its intimidating and not fair on you or the kids.

I don't think the police would do much to be honest as I suppose that shouting isn't a crime. But I'm no expert and could be wrong. They'd probably come and tell him to calm down and that might make him think about his behaviour I suppose.

Womens Aid has a phone number which is good for advice. Would your DH consider counselling so he can learn to put his view across in a more constructive manner?

[policequestion]

Thanks purple, DS2 is 2.

The thing about it is, I was very calm about the whole thing. I didn't cry or shout, I just wanted to get my child away from him - it was like I felt nothing for him.

I have just lost so much respect for him that he would upset DS like that.

Obviously I love my husband and our marriage to work, but I think it was the first time in 15 years that I thought, actually I don't love him unconditionally and would be prepared to walk away.

I don't want to, but need to get that message through to him.

[purepurple]

If it is completely out of character for him, have you considered asking him to go to the doctor?
I think that he does need to know that his behaviour is unacceptable and has potentially seroius outcomes, but are you able to take a supportive role rather than involve the police?
I expect you are so shocked, hence the no crying reaction, because it is out of character.
Have you considered Relate?

[policequestion]

He is quite a shouty person, but in a ranty sort of way. He does lose his temper but not to that extent.

[LittleMissHissyFit]

The only unconditional love between two humans is that between parents and children. Remember that. Everyone else has to work at it.

Let the dust settle, a day or so and then, when the DC are asleep, calmly tell him that no matter what reason, there is no excuse for anyone to scream at you like that, and it'll be the last time he does it.

TELL HIM that when he does that, he erodes the respect you have for him and that if it goes, that's the end of the relationship. Tell him if he values your family, to either get help to control his anger issues if he needs it, or to just take a moment, think about things and then discuss them when the rage has passed.

[staggerlee]

Policequestion, think carefully about calling the police to a domestic incident. If you have children they automatically notify social services who may investigate further (and indeed they might be obliged to do so if you have any children under the age of 1)

I tell you this from my own experience. Once you call the police the situation can develop without you having any control over the outcome. Having said this I'm not advocating that you put up with his behaviour, just be aware of the potential consequences

[textualhealing]

I just checked with a police sergeant - she's my daughter. Police would always take calls seriously although the vast majority of the incidents they go to involve domestic situations with drink/drugs/mental health issues as a major contributing factor. They have a "positive action" policy so although no charges may be brought, they would encourage the perpetrator to accept help for anger management etc. They would provide agency details for the victim,including victim support. They would then walk away and on to the next domestic. What she did say to me is that shouting, unless threats were involved, wouldn't be something that they would want to get too involved in.

Look, OP, he has lost his temper a couple of times in five years. We're all only human. I've lost my temper properly only a couple of times in my entire adult life and I can tell you, when the red mist came down, shouting was the least of it! I'm usually very even tempered and serene but these couple of times that pushed me to the limit were very extreme and not situations I've been proud of.

[textualhealing]

and I forgot to add, that I took responsibility for the loss of my temper - it's mine to control regardless of stress or anything else! Just didn't want you to think that I was blaming the circumstance for your DH's outburst!

[Nanny0gg]

I would question why he lost his temper.
And obviously it shouldn't have happened in front of your children, but two incidents in 5 years will not scar them for life, if life carries on as normal now.
Then you need to sit down together when all is calm and discuss whatever the problem is.

I also don't think that two incidents of shouting counts as emotional abuse. It's temper.
Unless of course, it's part of a much wider issue.

[Underachieving]

He's lost his temper twice in 5 years and got shouty and in your face. He sounds pretty normal to me actually. I would say most people lose thier tempers with thier partner and shout the partner down about every 2 or 3 years. It would be emotional abuse if it were a regular occurance. That you child cried is also pretty normal for a child caught in the presence of an adult row. It's not a good thing to blow your top, but I think labelling it like a crime or a mental instablity is simply diverting the issue from what the arguement was about. Rather passive aggressive I think.

[bibbitybobbityhat]

God, if my dh called the police every time I became a shouty sweary banshee we'd be in serious trouble for wasting police time. People get angry, people shout, people need to be forgiven sometimes.

[Curiositykilledhaskittens]

Hmm, if you were not afraid for your safety you should not call the police emergency number.

If you have to think about whether or not to call it is likely you shouldn't.

I think you should tell him how the shouting made you feel, really it also depends what it was about and so how unreasonable it was too. No-one should lose their temper like that but it happens when you live with someone sometimes once every couple of years doesn't seem too bad. I would speak to him and explain how it makes you feel and I would expect him to apologise and mean it but I'm not sure it would be a massive deal to me.

[Mamaz0n]

IF you were frightened of him then it speaks volumes to me.

I don't think that you should have called the police if you were not in physical danger but i do think that you need to sit down and have a very serious talk about respect and anger.

shouting and swearing to a level that frightens one another, especially children is totally unacceptable.

[scurryfunge]

Lots of conflicting advice here.

If it is after the event and you are not in danger you can call police on the non emergency number. If you feel at risk, dial three nines.

The police would attend in both incidents and they would take you seriously. There may not be any offences but they will record the incident as a domestic incident for future reference and to offer support from various agencies if needed when the risk is high.

If children are involved notification to social services may be made but please do not see this as a bad thing -remember your duty is to protect your children and yourself.
Shouting on its own is not generally the problem -it is when you are frightened and the children witness this behaviour, that rings alarm bells.

[pennedin]

Thank you for the advice.

It was more than a row I think, and DH crossed a line. We were arguing about who was getting up. We are both very tired due to DS2 not sleeping.

I realised it was not going anywhere and carried DS downstairs. 30 seconds later DH came storming down the stairs after me. I tried to close the living room door on him but he pushed it open. I was still carrying DS. He was screaming and swearing at me that he may as well get up as I had made it impossible to go back to sleep. He was in a complete rage. He threw a biscuit Ron on the floor which made a huge noise. DS was terrified. He was holding on for dear life and shaking. He has been reluctant to go near DH since.

I calmly told DH to go back to bed which he did and fell asleep. He has apologised but I need him to know that thus us absolutely unacceptable. I wasn't going to call the police as I didn't feel in danger but want to know that if it happens again I will do.

[pennedin]

Sorry, buggered up namechange!

[cestlavielife]

well he has apologized. only you know if this is genuine apology. only you know if is out of character.

talk calmly about him seeking help/other ways to d eal with stress. come to an agreement/schedule over ho will get up in the mornings early adn stick to it

keep a log of next incidents. if there are any. discuss ways to each get more sleep/more time off whatever you need to fucntiona s a family

police would have recorded it - so if there are more incidents you have record of a pattern of behaviour.