Is this "normal" its really annoying me!

[handsoffmycake]

There is so much back story it would fill a hundred pages so I will keep it short and just ask about this particular thing if I can.

DH seems to feel the need to comment on things I do or say in a questioning/negative manner. He has always done it, been together 8 years. Its just starting to get really annoying.

Here are some examples:

Picking a takeaway to eat and he says "Are you sure you want that" I say "Yes thats why Ive picked it." He then goes on for 5 minutes asking "Are you sure you want that, will you eat more of the other type of takeway" He insists he has no favourite choice so why wont he just accept my choice?

Shopping yesterday and he says "Look underwear on offer there, you said you needed some" I then pick some underwear and he looks frowny and says "So youre not wearing thongs anymore" Evidently not.

Choosing to drink coffee more in the day instead of tea, he says "I think its a sad day when youve decided to be a coffee drinker" He was deadly serious and disapproving.

These sound daft I realise that but when it seems almost everything you do is questioned it gets a bit tiresome. My friend says this is controlling behaviour but I dont know. Any opinions please?

[Plumm]

That's highly annoying. Have you told him that you feel constantly critiscised by him?

[MortaIWombat]

He sounds quite quite mad. Do it back at him.
Then run like fuck

[MigratingCoconuts]

gosh, yes, I can see that getting right on my nerves!!!

and if you pick him up on it, does he suggest you are being petty about it?

Have you thought og keeping a log of it so that, when you next try and confront him about it, you can demonstrate just how many decisions you make, he questions?

[JaxTellersOldLady]

Have you told him to shut the hell up? Is this the way his parents behave? It sounds like a learned behaviour to me.

I wouldnt put up with it, is he aware that he is behaving like a control freak dickhead?

Pretty sure you are wise enough to know your own mind, but on the off chance you are not; are you sure you want to spend the rest of your life with him, really really sure????

[Noddyrocks]

I can kind of understand but my OH tends to moan at everything then ask me stuff. example : ewww the sinks dirty, do you prefer not to use the strainer? Unfortunately I have just come to the conclusion that thats the way he is, although he really annoys me at times, but sometimes I don't know why I put up with it! I wonder is he much older than you?

[handsoffmycake]

Plumm - I have said a couple of times to him "is there a problem, its my choice right?" and he says no problem he just wants to make sure I am doing what I really want

AwesomeWellies - He is hard work a lot. But then I am made to feel maybe I am too???

MigratingCoconuts - I have said to him examples of when he has been difficult like the above and he just brushes it off. When he tells me Ive been grumpy ALL DAY and I ask for examples he says "Oh Im not writing them all down am I" and he cant give me any examples.

Makes me feel like I am going mad sometimes! Thanks for replies!

[handsoffmycake]

JaxTellersOldLady- Both his parents died but from what my SIL tells me his Mum is to blame for the way he and his siblings are.

Ive married him and had 2 DC and am hoping I will become more tolerant again in time! or not.

Noddyrocks - We are having the same problem here then. Its a pain isnt it! He is much older than me yes - 20 years.

I think as I get older I am much less tolerant and have a more "cant be bothered" attitude whereas when I was younger I would try and please him more regardless of my feelings.

[blinder]

My mother does this. She is 'trying to be helpful'.

My solution (which is paying off) is to TOTALLY ignore any bloody stupid questions. The answer to the question, 'are you going to eat that?' is obvious. I just eat it and blank the question. If she repeats the question / comment I simply raise an eyebrow at her unblinking until she backs down . The behaviour is diminishing.

[Grumpla]

Is that a shovel in your hand? Don't you think 9am on a Saturday morning is a bit early to be digging a hole under the patio?

[squeakytoy]

Mine can be a bit like this.. I find saying to him "do you ever stop fucking moaning" helps

I dont think he even realises he is behaving like Victor Meldrew half the time...

My mum had a touch of the passive/aggressive to her and would do it as well, but I would just laugh at her too and tell her I was an adult now and my choices were not the same as hers.

[MigratingCoconuts]

Blinder, I think that would certainly work better than doing it back at him (which could just breakdown into pettiness!).

[muminthemiddle]

My fil does this to mil all the time.

He is abusive and agressive so I would say it is a type of controlling behaviour.

[handsoffmycake]

Thanks for replies - he isnt abusive or aggresive but think he can be quite clever sometimes in trying to bend me to his will. Its not working much nowadays!

I will do as you say Blinder I have spent far too much time explaining my choices instead of just getting on with stuff.

Its the same with things I buy - I bought a large throw which was very patterned and he was with me and I hadnt got my bankcard so used his (its a joint accouny anyway) he spent 5 minutes telling the shop owner that it wasnt to his taste at all and wouldnt go with anything in the living room blah blah. The shop owner joined in saying it wasnt to her taste but it was a good seller. I felt really small and wanted to just stomp off!

I did tell him on the way out of the shop that I didnt like him mouthing off like that as it made me embarrassed. He seemed to not realise this was the case. Is it really that hard to realise that its not the best way to carry on?

[Glamour]

oh gosh! how annoying! just say are you sure you want to live here? because your getting right on my nerves!!

[Anniegetyourgun]

Grumpla WINS.

ps Yes, controlling, he thinks he's your dad and you are a silly little girl who can't make her own mind up. Don't stand for it. "Well duh..." is one very useful American import.

[blackeyedsusan]

bend you to his will... and he is not abusive? He sounds controlling. it sounds like he is belittling you and has a very low opinion of you. You are supposed to be equals in a partnership.

IT IS NOT NORMAL.

[handsoffmycake]

Thanks blackeyedsusan I think he does have a controlling streak (well obviously he does) If this was to become something more problematic then I would have to have some serious words.

As I said earlier I could probably write a hundred pages of backstory and I know what I would say if I was someone looking in.

It is good for me to be told THIS IS NOT NORMAL!

[darleneconnor]

It made sense when you said about the age gap.

he sounds like he's parenting you. I dont think he sees you as his equal.

[SpringchickenGoldBrass]

It's extremely unhealthy. THe idea is to make you submissive and obedient by wearing you down to the point where you have to ask permission to have a wee. I wuld sugst that you just smile at him and take no notice of his remarks, but unfortunately this sort of bully will simply up the stakes. Eventually towards physical abuse. Because, you see, he has to win, it's not a marriage or a partnership, it's a battle and you are a 'woman' who must be Put In Her Place.

[overmydeadbody]

That is definately not normal behaviour.

[BertieBotts]

This is controlling behaviour, yes. I would say it might be deliberate ie he has a controlling nature, or it might just be a bad habit - but then you said he can be good at bending you to his will - which is manipulative, is it not? Also controlling and deliberately so. Which means the relationship is less than healthy, really. Does he make you happy?

[Hassled]

Definately not normal - when you're committed to someone and love someone you tolerate all the little things they do that wind you up. And we all have them - I can't abide the way DH eats cereal, for example - but the difference is that most normal, reasonable people keep their thoughts to themselves.

Your examples give me the impression there's some game-playing on his part; trying to make you doubt your ability to make a decision, trying to make you look like an idiot in a shop - he doesn't sound very nice, tbh.

[LittleMissHissyFit]

SGB, so sage. She is a 'woman' a GIRL 20 years younger than him that needs to be kept In Her Place.

He won't get more tolerant, he will only get worse. As OP is growing older and having more of her own ideas, he will clamp down further.

Think about it OP, if he doesn't stop this constant questioning and undermining of you, and actually does more of it, what is in the relationship for you? You'll end up being his resentful carer.

[TeachMySelfBalance]

Isn't it called "Death by 10 Thousand Cuts"?

What you describe is called:

1. 'second guessing'
   (does he last-word, one-up, and correct you?)
   
2. monitoring you as though you are a child
   (does he ever say, "So that's how you do that?"?)
   
3. monitoring plus judgement=shame
   (he is shaming you for superiority fodder, or control.)
   
   What you describe is not daft! That is a sign you are starting to second guess yourself: not good!
   
   Each put-down in itself may be identified as being 'petty'. And it follows naturally that if the victim complains, then the problem is with the victim for being 'too sensitive', or 'can't you take a joke', or some other dismissive mechanism toward the victim, as if the original insult wasn't enough. The mean one gets a two for one.
   
   So, imho, the best tactic is to not respond as Blinder says. Blank stare, or say "What?" repeatedly-they will get tired of hearing their own nastiness if they have to repeat it 3 or 4 or 5 times.
   
   He is undermining your self-esteem. Each degredation in itself may not be tagged "Emotional Abuse"; but collectively, it can be seen as nothing else, imho. Is it normal? For an emotional abuser it is normal. But no, this is not behavior that can be described as being supportive of a healthy relationship.
   
   Besides some verbal strategies, you can defend yourself by learning to not to care what he thinks. Emotional detachment. That's not supportive of a healthy relationship, either, but you have to look out for yourself.