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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

sexual question

36 replies

livinginthesticks · 04/03/2011 22:46

ok, I have met a new man. He is lovely and I really like him. The problem for me is that I don't feel a huge sexual chemistry with him. I think it may be that I have been hurt from past relationships and having problems letting myself feel it if you see what I mean.

I know from past experience that as soon as I have an orgasm with a man - I'm hooked!

I've been to bed with him twice so far and it was fine - but I didn't orgasm and I really want to because I know there'll be no problem from then on (or I think there won't.) He obviously wants to please me and I'm not sure what to do...

OP posts:

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squeakytoy · 04/03/2011 22:48

Is it because he is doing it a different way to previous men you have slept with?

livinginthesticks · 04/03/2011 22:50

I don't know - some men can make me orgasm straight away - with others it take me time to get used to them (not that I've slept with that many).

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livinginthesticks · 04/03/2011 22:52

I think oral sex would help btw. My ex was great at that but I don't see how I can ask for that...

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boxingHelena · 04/03/2011 23:01

Sorry I think don't understand
Are you holding back or you do not fancy him enough?

lubeybooby · 04/03/2011 23:03

Just ask... you say he wants to please you I'm sure he will be grateful for the pointer.

livinginthesticks · 04/03/2011 23:04

boxinghelena - I don't know. I'm worried I don't fancy him enough but think that if the sex was great then I would start to if you see what I mean.

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livinginthesticks · 04/03/2011 23:05

yes, I'm sure he would be grateful for the pointer. He really is lovely and I'd love it to work but I feel I'm making sex into a big deal.

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squeakytoy · 04/03/2011 23:07

Are you lusting after him, and cant wait to shag him, or are you just sleeping with him because its sex?

I think its perfectly possible to have brilliant sex without an orgasm every time, and most women I know would agree with that.

If you like him a lot, get on great, and the sex is fun, even without the orgasm, then I would say it can only get better when you get more confident with telling each other what you like.. he may be holding back a bit because he isnt too sure, so give him a few hints...

livinginthesticks · 04/03/2011 23:10

squeakytoy - it's not him holding back, it's me. I don't feel lustful towards him and look forward to shagging him. What I'm saying is that I think I would if I had an orgasm with him so it is important for me that I do otherwise I think I will go off him...

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boxingHelena · 04/03/2011 23:11

I see what you mean (been there) (rolling eye)
Ok, you must know if he is inherently a bad lover or he has got potential if he has, show him how, go on, put your heart in it
and keep your feet on the ground.
You can have an O and keep your cool !

squeakytoy · 04/03/2011 23:13

Do you find him physically attractive though?

What got you both together in the first place?

I couldnt have a relationship with someone who I didnt find physically attractive. By that, I dont mean necessarily conventionally attractive ie Johnny Depp/Beckham etc... but attractive to me personally. (I have been known for my peculiar tastes at time.. but its what turns me on... dont care what other people think)...

I think you do have to have a physical attraction to someone to enjoy sleeping with them.

livinginthesticks · 04/03/2011 23:15

squeakytoy that is what is worrying me because I am not sure.

and yes boxinghelena he definately has potential!

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commeuneimage · 04/03/2011 23:21

It sounds as if he's a very nice man but there's not a great attraction between you. Maybe he's destined to be your friend, not your lover. I don't think you should be fixated on having an orgasm with him. Do you want to lick him all over and bite him, that's more to the point.

livinginthesticks · 04/03/2011 23:23

commeuneimage - that is just what I don't want to hear!!

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commeuneimage · 04/03/2011 23:24

that's your answer then! if you really fancied him you wouldn't have any dilemma about it... (Sorry.)

squeakytoy · 04/03/2011 23:26

I think maybe he isnt the right one for you Living. He may be nice, but if he isnt getting you all hot and bothered so early in the relationship, then the spark isnt there. :(

livinginthesticks · 04/03/2011 23:30

I hope you're wrong. He is the first nice man I have met in ages and actually from my past history I think that might be the problem.

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boxingHelena · 04/03/2011 23:31

should we know your past history?

squeakytoy · 04/03/2011 23:32

In that case, then, let the friendship develop more, before calling it a day. How long have you actually known each other? is it really early days still?

commeuneimage · 04/03/2011 23:36

Well, why not just give it time and see how it goes? But I do think your sentence says it all really: "I don't feel lustful towards him and look forward to shagging him". He doesn't turn you on, does he? Nice doesn't mean sexy, in this case anyway.

livinginthesticks · 04/03/2011 23:36

nothing major in my past history - it's just that for some reason I have always been more attracted to bad boys. It's stopped me having proper relationships but the bastard is what has always done it for me and I wish this wasn't the case.

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squeakytoy · 04/03/2011 23:42

I would say then that you should concentrate on the whole relationship, not just the sex. Bad boys are great at sex, and great at treating you like shit too. Been there, done that.

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livinginthesticks · 04/03/2011 23:46

yes I agree and he isn't like that at all. I think it is something in me that I need to work at because I want a lasting relationship not just sex.

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wileycoyote · 04/03/2011 23:54

Hmmm (watches with interest), no answers here, how do you change who you have chemistry with?

usualsuspect · 04/03/2011 23:57

you need the lust at the beginning of a relationship

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