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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

bf mum worries

27 replies

goddess72 · 04/03/2011 19:21

Hi,

I'm just a bit concerned really about my bf's mum. I have been with my bf for 2 years now and in that time I have only met his mum twice. He visits his Mum every wed eve and every other Sunday when he's not with me. She has never met my kids and I just feel very left out of things. Why does she not make an effort to get to know us, or is it my bf's fault for not encouraging more meetings do you think? I'm just interested in your opinions, is it normal?

Why do I always seem to have strange MIL's

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2rebecca · 04/03/2011 19:51

She's not your MIL, she's just your boyfriend's mum. It doesn't sound as though you are living together. Why are you so desperate to meet her?
Him meeting your kids is important, you meeting his mum seems a bit irrelevent if he's left home and you are of an age where you have several kids.
Have you met his dad more? Why is his mum more important than his dad?
I don't get this, it doesn't sound as though he's a teenager. I'd be glad she's not breathing down your neck and sounds fairly relaxed and your boyfriend has a good relationship with her.
Is the problem that you have been together 2 years and aren't living together or married?
Is he continually being dragged to your parents and you feel left out or something?

MigratingCoconuts · 04/03/2011 19:55

I'd be more concerned about keeping BF separate from your kids until you were certain that this was a long term thing.

have you spoken with him about where this relationship is going?

MigratingCoconuts · 04/03/2011 19:59

sorry, distracted by something...

I mean, that you would be in a better position to decide if you BF's mum was acting wierd if you knew how serious this relationship was.

If it isn't serious, then you have a problem if your children have met and got to know him.

It it is serious, then maybe you could try to get to know her better by inviting her round.

I would encourage him to keep his 'mum' time though

2rebecca · 04/03/2011 20:07

I've never been that bothered about meeting people's mums, either male or female friends.

AMumInScotland · 04/03/2011 20:10

I think you need to talk to your byfriend about how he sees your relationship - you are thinking that his mum is your "MIL", but he doesn't seem to be viewing it the same way if he's not encouraging you to have any kind of relationship with her. You don't have to see anything much of a boyfriend's family, but there seems to be a mismatch between how you are viewing this and how he sees it, and I think you should try to clarify that after 2 years.

goddess72 · 04/03/2011 20:26

well it has been 2 years!! and yes we are moving in together in a few weeks!! he hasn't got a dad he died, and his other brothers and sisters bfs and gfs go around!!

I think it is important I get to know her, I wouldn't dream of stopping him having his Mum time, but I do think its a bit odd I'm never invited, not even on his Birthday

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BertieBotts · 04/03/2011 20:29

Maybe she disapproves of the fact you have children? (I assume they aren't his if she hasn't met them?)

Don't you think it would be better to talk to your BF about this? It does seem odd especially if his siblings' partners have met her.

MigratingCoconuts · 04/03/2011 20:32

Have you asked him??

goddess72 · 04/03/2011 20:37

Hmm it could be to do with I've got children! I have talked to him about it he thinks it will be better when I move which he's prob right. Maybe when I move closer as we live 30mins apart at the moment,I should invite her for dinner or something. I have asked her before but she's always been busy with other family. Oh well thanks for your replies anyway!

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goddess72 · 04/03/2011 20:49

2rebecca wow you sound a bit harsh! why would I not want to meet my bf's mum??????? Very strange!!!!

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2rebecca · 04/03/2011 21:24

You've already met her twice though. You seem to be after some sort of regular relationship, and I wonder why?
What difference will it make to your relationship with your boyfriend?
Are you in need of another mother figure in your life?
I don't get why it bothers you. She isn't yet your relative, and why his mum rather than his other relatives?

goddess72 · 04/03/2011 21:35

Well I'm not going to explain anymore. I think your very odd lol ! byeeee

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monkeysmum79 · 04/03/2011 22:36

My XB of 6 years never introduced me to his parents or his brothers or sisters. It was awful, like I was his dirty little secret or something, until we split up then I had his sisters coming to my workplace begging me to give him another chance.
But he would think nothing of calling my parents and involving them in our personal arguments! He was a dick! But it took me a long time to realise!
I'm not surprise it bothers you!
I met my now Husband about 6 months after I split with 'dick' and he took me home to meet his parents for christmas, we had only been together for a couple of weeks. I have a great relationship with my inlaws.

goddess72 · 05/03/2011 09:42

Thanks monkeysmum79 yeh, that is kind of how I feel, been left alone while he goes and enjoys time with his family, I mean brothers,sisters, their partners. I was pleased when he finally took me home after a year, but still not really involved in his life.

Someone I spoke to recently, has been with her bf 6 months, very simular circumstances to me ie not living close by, her bf mum, has met her kids, even had them overnight. I'm not saying I expect that, but I'd be lieing if I said i didn't feel a tad jealous!

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Glamour · 05/03/2011 09:53

i actually agree with 2rebecca! and i think that if she wanted to see more of you she would do! you have asked her round for dinner before and she has always had plans? and she didnt want to arrange for another night or anything? that would be telling me she not interested in forming a relationship and i just wouldnt bother!

squeakytoy · 05/03/2011 10:04

If you had been together 2 months I would say its early days, but 2 years is a fairly steady relationship if you see each other all the time.

Not sure why he doesnt take you with him when he visits on a Sunday but hopefully once you move in together things might change.

It could be that she is busy with her other children and their lives maybe, or your boyfriend has just never been one to take his girlfriends home much.

Maybe she didnt want to become attached to your children until the relationship between her son and you had developed into something more serious.

goddess72 · 05/03/2011 10:05

Well I actually agree too glamour,I'll just have to get over it and not bother till she's ready at least, but that doesn't mean I don't feel slightly hurt about it! I agree what your saying as hard as it is lol, but thats not agreeing with 2rebecca, as she can't seem to understand why you want to know your bf family, and thinks I want some mother/daughter relationship, which isn't the case, I just wanted to be acknowledged or accepted thats all !

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goddess72 · 05/03/2011 10:11

Thats what I'm hoping squeakytoy. When I di meet her, I did actually quite like her and we did get on well, I can't actually say anything bad about her when I met her, I think thats why its confusing!

I will just give some more time when I have moved, for now I think will just take a back seat as I have been doing!

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BertieBotts · 05/03/2011 10:54

But this is bothering me. You say you hope when you move in together things will change. That's not a great facet to move in together with. Either you ask him or accept things the way they are. He's not a mind reader. I just don't think it's great to move in together waiting to see on something. Granted, this is a fairly minor issue but IME when you start thinking like this it's easy to hang on to false hope with everything.

Why can't you just ask him about it anyway?

goddess72 · 05/03/2011 11:16

But I have like I said in a previous post!!!!!!

So are you saying I shouldn't move in with him then, just conflicting advice here, some say, why am I bothered, some say I shouldn't move in with him, some say things will change and not to worry! Oops, mixed feelings about this one it seems hmm! But thats the beauty about having different opinions I guess, which don't get me wrong I appreciate......

Also feel some of you are having a bit of go, but well I can't help the way I feel and as I'm moving in 2 weeks, its a bit late to change my mind so constructive advice would be better really!

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goddess72 · 05/03/2011 11:29

Everything else is good in the relationship and believe me, moving hasn't been a decision I've taken lightly!!!!

Its just something that was bothering me and was really wondering if it was quite normal to be like that, surely some of you can understand why it might bother me, but then is it worth breaking up a relationship just because of this! I guess you really have to be in my shoes to clearly understand what is going on and the facts very difficult to get across on here. Not sure I really feel any better about it now either lol.

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BertieBotts · 05/03/2011 11:39

I'm not saying don't move in with him. I'm saying don't expect this to change just because you are moving in.

2 weeks wouldn't be too late to change your mind, or postpone, though. IF you wanted to. Any decent guy who cares for you would understand that. I'm not saying you've taken the decision lightly.

Of course it isn't worth breaking up a relationship over, but I don't understand why you can't talk to him about it? Surely you need to be able to talk about things before you move in together. That's the main point I'm trying to make.

I'm not having a go, by the way, I'm just saying this might be worth thinking about.

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Glamour · 05/03/2011 11:51

sorry goddess you are right, i wasnt at all agreeing with the fact you want a mother/daughter relationship!

i actually havent got any great advice to give you! but you really should just take a back seat for now, see how it works out, it seems its her with the problem and not you! but me being me i would phone her and let her now how you feel and find out where the ground lies, and if this is upsetting you so much you need to speak to him and say that you need tobe more involved in his life, hes obviously now involved in your childrens life and you dont feel that its fair you have to feel left out, but if im honest it sounds like his mum might have a problem with you. and im sorry to say this but if he was anything of a man he would let his mum now that your now a family and you will be with him on visits every now again and you will be there for family do's, and its something shes going to have to get over, if he dosent agree to do this then i think you may need to re-consider what you mean to him. i would sort this issue out before you move im with him then at least you know where you stand and what you do after that is up to you!

annielouisa · 05/03/2011 12:56

Are his DB and DS partners longer term than you? Did her perhaps had an EXP that the family prefered? It could be the children issue as perhaps she had always imagined her DS given her DGC and is anti a ready made family.

goddess72 · 05/03/2011 13:20

I think his mum his protective over him as he had a very bitter divorce with his ex, and I also thinkthere is an element of she doesn't want to loose him again if you see what I mean?

Thays another thing that upset me, his sister who is alot younger met her bf maybe a year ago and yes he goes around quite a few sundays and other times, it seems they have a good relationship. Infact I remember one easter they were all together and he was there playing wii etc and they'd only been together for a few months, she has met his mum and dad too....u see why it bothers me?!

Anyway bfis coming over as I speak I think I may bring it up again just to see what he says. Will let you know and thanks everyone x

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