Young couple in trouble

[confuseddotcodotuk]

Me and my boyfriend are both 22, we both care about each other and love one another and have been together for two and a half years now. The first year was spent apart with visits every now and then, and a stint of no visits for four months, and then we started living and working together (we're seasonal workers, get jobs where we can get accom). We've always had difficulties as we never really were able to get in the dating stage, and we went from barely seeing one another to 24/7 contact.

We both want the same things in life, to travel, try new things, and later on have children, build a home and so on, and we're interested in similar activities but we just can't seem to stop arguing. Everyday we have an argument about something stupid and it just brings us down. We have talked about it but can't seem to find a solution and I really don't want to end it as we try, but it's really not working :(

We do have other issues as well, I have no sex drive what-so-ever, and it doesn't seem to help that we just don't seem to connect in a sexual way very well and he can't keep it up for prolonged periods (though that's gotten better over time). And I could certainly give him more attention as I spend a lot of time reading. We also find it frustrating to organise anything as I have a bladder problem and it makes it impossible to try going out, go on walks or anything like that (I am having tests in March). But we have our moments where everything is perfect, we're very happy and feel great together. I don't want to give those moments up but we're both uncertain as to whether we can actually make it work as opposed to trying to make it work.

[SpringchickenGoldBrass]

You are 22. That is very very young to be thinking about settling down. You have years and years ahead of you to have fun, travel, meet people, etc. If this relationship is as much of a drag as it sounds, it's time to move on. You don't have any DC, you don't have a shared mortgage, why on earth are you wasting your time and energy on this?
Have you been fed the ridiculous idea that a woman is only complete with a Man In Her Life? Because that's a myth. A young woman is much better off being single and sorting out who she is and what she wants rather than concentrating all her efforts on The Relationship eg pleasing the man.

Oh, and are you seeing a doctor about your bladder problem? I hope you can get that sorted because it must be very tiresome for you. Best of luck.

[SmashingNarcissistsMirrors]

sometimes love is not enough. you both need the emotional maturity and skills to make a relationship work. it might be that you can learn / develop these together or it might be that you have to go your separate ways.

if you like reading you could try some self help books about relationships and other helpful subjects like assertiveness (which will help you put your point across without losing temper etc). how bad are the arguments? do you end up shouting, screaming, slamming doors or is it more you just can't agree on stuff?

do either of you do much outside the relationship?

[confuseddotcodotuk]

springchicken: we aren't thinking about it seriously, we both would like to travel, intend to go next year for about 3/4 years actually, parts together, parts alone, and then come home, work for a bit and then start a family and life after that. I just meant that we both want those things at similar times in our lives. We're compatible in that sense.

And no, I don't believe that a woman is only complete with a man, I think it's stupid to think that, people are individuals, I just enjoy the company.

I have seen a doc, she put me forward for testing which I have later this month. It's extremely tiresome and frustrating, I'm already panicking about walking to work later, it's only a twenty minute walk but I still can't manage it without a dash to the bushes

smashing: It's more that we disagree and start shouting at one another. TBH neither of us really end up upset by it, and we're usually okay with one another a few hours later. It just drags us down a bit.

We have no lives outside of one another. It's virtually impossible to have lives in the type of work we do. Especially now that we've moved onto bar work, barely any free time, don't know anybody nearby, no time for classes or meet ups of any kind. It's literally work, sleep, eat (if we're lucky) and a few odd hours at home.

This situation is driving me crazy, I really care about him but it's never been right :(

Thanks for the things to think on. I'm off to work for a nine hour shift

[KnittingRocks]

It doesn't sound like you are 'right' for each other I'm afraid. Move on now and enjoy life, then find your Mr Right when you're older.

[SmashingNarcissistsMirrors]

it would be pretty hard to sustain any sort of relationship well in those circumstances. you are too in each others faces / space and don't have anything fresh to bring back to the relationship or anywhere else to let off steam or give you a bit of perspective. you just haven't got a good balance. basically you are just working and then spending time with each other.

can you look to changing jobs? at least one of you? are you allowed to do other work or do you just have one of those seasonal worker visas?

[SpringchickenGoldBrass]

This is not a time in your life when a relationship should be an effort. If it's not really adding to your life then dump it as a burden you don't need.
Best of luck.

[squeakytoy]

You are very young really. If you have no enthusiasm for sex at this age, its the relationship that is wrong. It happens, and its just one of those things. You are not married, you have no children, and you dont have any shared financial commitments, so in my view, you should go your separate ways.

[glastocat]

You sound like I did when I worked in Butlins one summer after graduating. I got a job there with my boyfriend of two years within four months we had split up. We were just too young and we were wrong for each other anyway but I didn't think that at the time - I was heartbroken! Anyway most couples seemed to shag around split up it was just the environment of everyone living and working together was definitely more conducive to single life! But yeah if you aren't shagging like bunnies at 22 my advice woiuld be that its time to move on.

[confuseddotcodotuk]

I was worried I'd get these responses. Not so much worried actually, I knew I would because it's the way I'm feeling at the moment, that we should just give up and move on with our lives. It feels so wrong to give it up right now whilst we're still trying to make it work, but I feel as if we would be better giving it up on good terms then splitting badly later, I love him so much and everything about us would logically mean a well working relationship, similar hobbies, goals, he's got all of the qualities I love and so on, but it just doesn't work :(

Smashing: We can't really change jobs, we get hired as a couple and put into accomodation provided by the companies we work for, it's how it works unfortunately. Getting jobs in the same area isn't really an option for us as having time together wouldn't happen at all. It's just a sucky kind of situation!

It's good to write this down and think about it properly. He's so desperate for us to keep trying and I am too, I don't know what to think anymore :(

[waterrat]

Confused - if you love this man and don't want to break up with him, then presumably something has to give. You are young, if you want to stay with him and work it out, then you need to find a way to create a life with more time and less stress.

It sounds as though it is the job situation that you are both in is in many ways the main problem - I would even suggest that bladder problems could be stress related.

Could you change the type of work you are in? Or at least plan to do so?

[noodle69]

My husband and I were both 18 when we met. We both knew from very early on we wanted to be together full time. I think as you are arguing a lot, the lack of sex and you are having doubts I dont think this relationship is right for you.

This has nothing to do with you being young imo, its just the relationship isnt right.

[SpringchickenGoldBrass]

It doesn't mean that either of you is a bad person if this relationship isn't working. It just means that you're not suited to each other, or that one/both of you isn't ready for a committed couple-relationship at present.
You don't have to hate someone or cut them out of your lives just because the couple-relationship has run its course. Sometimes people you date and shag for a little while in your early 20s later become lifelong friends.
WRT your sex drive, is he your first sexual partner? If not, how was sex with previous partners? (You don't have to give details obviously, but if you have had sex with other people in the past, how that went on might be another clue as to this man simply not being right for you).

[christmaswishes]

My thoughts are you are spending too much time together and that is why you are bickering all the time. How many people would be able to spend all their time with their partner or husband and not argue, or get a bit fed up ? You need to try and spend time with other people and get your job situation sorted out then you will both have new things to talk about and won't feel so restricted. I don't think its a case of your young move on. You haven't tried to work through your issues, it doesn't matter what age you are. Too many people give up to easily. Then they get someone else and then repeat the pattern of giving up, then they never find themselves happy. So try spending less time together and do things that you enjoy on your own or with friends. Sort out your job situation, do some soul searching then you will know if the relationship is right for you but the Grass isn't always greener. What good qualities does he have? What do you like about him? What don't you like about him?

X

[confuseddotcodotuk]

We can't change the job situ at all unfortunately. We can't afford rent in most places by ourselves, especially not when we usually only spend £130 on rent a month in these places! So it stays as seasonal work, which is impossible to get separately as then we'd have the problem of never seeing one another.

Springchicken: Not my first partner, but I was his. He has impotence issues which we've worked on since being together and it's a lot better now, but it took all of the fun from our sex life. He can't keep it up for very long, which leaves us rushing it and not ever doing anything different, he's only ever come once from sex and a small handful of times otherwise, and it is physically painful for me when he loses the erection during sex (and he's never fully erect anyway). I have problems as well because we're constantly rushing it, so I don't get wet or anything so that's painful as well and has completely put me off sex. He's also very naive in the sex department, doesn't ever explore or try new things, it's just bog standard missionary all of the time and barely any touching one another or back rubs, petting or anything.

The lack of sex is the worse thing, I know that sounds bad but it really is. It makes tensions run higher, both of us are frustrated and start getting snappy and whatnot. It's just stupid. He won't go to a doctor about it, never has done, I've been to a doctor about being dry but it didn't help what-so-ever. I certainly don't want sex at the moment as we have no protection, putting a condom on him means he will flop before we finish putting the damned thing on and I'm having a break from the pill because I ran out and haven't had a chance to get more yet.

Just frustrated this morning. Definately had a bad night last night :(

[glastocat]

Time to leave. I know you love him, but a relationship shouldn't be this difficult. You are so young, you should be having lots of fun and good sex.

[SpringchickenGoldBrass]

Oh fucking hell Confused, get rid of this man. He has major issues about women and sex, that's why you're not happy, not enjoying the sex and bickering all the time.
He's crap in bed and won't do anything about it because he doesn't see your sexual pleasure as worth bothering about. And you've been to the doctor about being 'dry'? Of course you're dry, he's shit in bed!