male depression after birth of first child

[Escallonia]

has anyone any experience of this? my bf's DH seems to be very unhappy and, I suspect, may be depressed.

He is withdrawn, confused and says he doesn't know how he feels about my friend now. Baby is 3 months old. They both wanted dcs, and baby was planned and is loved - but the DH isn't very hands on with caring for him or helping out generally.

He seems to be very absorbed in work, very down and somewhat lost. Any ideas of how to get help I can pass on to my mate? I don't know if her DH would go willingly to the GP, he is largely in denial I think.

Thanks.

[ddubsgirl]

yes not with 1st but oh did after we had our twins,he needs to see GP,my oh bottled it all and it all came out in one go,scared the hell out of me.

[Escallonia]

thanks ddubsgirl, must have been horrible for you. bf's DH seems to be saying he's not sure if he wants to stay together. so unexpected and I feel like it must be linked to the new baby, though he says it isn't.

[LurcioLovesFrankie]

There was an article in the Guardian about this a few months back - quite a common problem.

www.guardian.co.uk/society/2010/sep/08/postnatal-depression-fathers-men

Good luck with getting help with it. No personal experience of precisely this situation, but I did find the first 3 months incredibly tough - I found it helpful to focus on the bits I did enjoy (bath-time was one regular thing in the day I knew I could look forward to because we'd both enjoy it - maybe your friend's partner could try to find something that works for him along those lines). And I sometimes felt like I wanted a t-shirt which said "it's not postnatal depression, it's a rational reaction to intolerable circumstances". Babies are incredibly hard work, and not all of us are lucky enough to bond straight off, but it does come with time (though it may not be automatic - my experience was that I had to work at it and "go through the motions", then one day I realised I wasn't going through the motions any more, it was for real, other people's experience is often that they need outside help in the form of counselling or medication - go with whatever works).

[Mouseface]

I think some first time fathers and even second or third, find it hard to bond with their baby, mainly because they have no idea what to do!

Not only that, babies are tiny little things, men are often so scared about the fragility of them, how do they hold them, what if they drop them, why are they crying etc....

Even women feel like that.

Lots of men find it hard to interact with a young baby, they don't really do much. Cry, poo, burp sleep and eat.

Maybe he needs to feel 'useful'? Maybe mum could get him to help more with the fun stuff, bath time, going for walks, singing songs, playing with teddy etc?

Take the pressure off and just have fun, see if the rest follows?

[Mymblesson]

Not only that, babies are tiny little things, men are often so scared about the fragility of them,

Oh yes, I recognise this - my son was a tad under 6 lbs when born and was tiny! I was so afraid I'd damage him accidentally when I held him. It's something you need to work at to overcome by simply doing it.

One thing that helped me bond with my son was that I discovered he liked to sleep tummy-down on my chest when he was having a bad night. It was a lovely feeling to be so close to him and gave my wife chance to sleep.

[givemesomespace]

Sometimes, the more planned and desired a child is, the bigger the likelihood of depression. Whatever your expectations are about having children, liklihood is that reality will be nothing like it. So the higher the expectation, the bigger the fall.

I always wanted lots of children, and when we were lucky enough to have them, I got to the point where I just thought "what have I done? This is everything I've wanted and now I've got it, I can't cope with it. I'm not the man I thought I was."

That Guardian article in LLF's post hits the nail on the head. The "new man/woman" role of playing a full role in their childrens' lives whilst dealing with demanding jobs is going to push a lot of people to, and sometimes over, the edge. And when it does, it's almost certain that the relationship will suffer hugely. I had come to the firm conclusion that my wife and I had no future together due to my depression.

Depression is still seen as a huge weakness in our society so it's hard to deal with because we're not inclined to admit to it. The only way out is with lots of love and patience and to talk, talk, talk. And if you can't talk together, get someone external to help you to talk.

All this sends a shiver down my spine - it's a dark and lonely place to be.

[Escallonia]

What lovely posts and advice - thank you everyone for your thoughtful replies. I'm sorry if this has brought back bad memories for anyone.

I think that the struggle is going to be getting him to see that this is something he can sort out, but that he will need to take some of the steps to do so - classic stuff with depression I guess.

ie he definitely needs to see his GP, and he needs to step away from the thought that the answer is splitting up and being separate from his wife and baby. Getting him to spend the time he needs to putting in a bit of effort with the baby is going to be hard. They are a lovely couple and have a gorgeous baby son.

Would Relate be able to help? Or is this for a different type of counsellor?

[Mouseface]

His GP or baby's HV may be able to advise on a specific HCP to help. He just needs to take the pressure off himself.

Mumbles - your post made

[givemesomespace]

I got my own consellor to start with, but I guess I realised myself that I needed some guidance on how to deal with the issues I faced - whether they be the end of my marriage or the wider strains in my life. He'll need to buy in to the idea.

Suggesting that HE needs some guidance ("help" sounds so patronising doesn't it) might be a bit confrontational unless he has already accepted this himself. Might be better to suggest the joint Relate route. Can't comment on that, as we seem be sorting it out ourselves so haven't used them. I'm sure there are others here who can advise on how good Relate are.

[WriterofDreams]

Depression is so horrible, I really feel for your bf and her DH. One piece of advice you might give your bf is to try to take the things her DH says with a pinch of salt. I know that might be really really hard but it will help. I was severely depressed last year and I was convinced that I wanted to divorce my DH, that I didn't love him etc etc. God bless my DH all he said was "ok we'll see about looking into divorce tomorrow why don't you get some rest" or "I understand how you feel why don't we talk about it" (depending on circumstances) and then listened to my mad ramblings ad nauseum. Some of the things I said to him were really horrible but he just ignored it all, and eventually, mainly through his perseverance and with the help of anti depressants I got through it.

If he is depressed a lot of what your friend's DH might do might seem really odd and irrational. She should try to avoid attempting to convince him that he is irrational because that just seems to make things worse. I knew when I was getting better because I started to see some of the irrationality of my thinking but sometimes I had to run things by my DH to see if they were mad or not (seems quite funny now but not so funny at the time). However mad his thoughts might be chances are he'll be convinced they're true. I know when people tried to talk me out of my thinking rather than just listening to me it made me feel lonely and like no one was listening to me. The only thing that helped was my DH just quietly listening to me rattle on endlessly. The poor man I put him through hell.

I hope your friend's DH starts to get better soon.