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Relationships

My FIL is an arse!

18 replies

weegiemum · 22/02/2011 10:58

Not sure what to do about FIL, who has been arsey for many years in so many silly ways (calling me the wrong name on purpose, not being in touch, pretending to be out when we call in etc) but it is now affecting our dc, for some reason especially our ds.

FIL and MIL divorced just as dh and I got married 16 years ago after a string of affairs onhis part. He gave dh an ultimatum that his latest woman had to come to our wedding or he wouldn't turn up - which upset MIL but dh didn't feel like he had an option.

FIL is a deeply odd man, he was an academic psychologist before he retired and has some very odd ideas about how people function, as well as believing in countless conspiracy theories (he regularly cuts things out of the DM and similar and sends to dh as "evidence")

He's recently divorced (again) and taken up with yet another woman who has the same name as dd1 but spelt differently and now all communicastion with dd1 (CHristmas, recent birthday) has this new spelling on it - dd1 is 11, so she's noticed.

He sent Christmas presents to dd1 and 2, but not to ds (in the middle). He sent a postcard to dh to explain he'd not had time (before he buggered off to the Maldives for 3 weeks over CHristmas!) to buy anything for ds. DDs presents were little boxes full of free McDonalds toys/audiobooks free in the Daily Mail/free shampoos from hotels etc etc ......

At the start of this month it was dd1 and ds's bithdays within a couple of days of each other. Dd1 got a card (late) with money in it. Ds got a "belated" card before his birthday with nothing in it. You should have seen his little face as he checked the envelope (he was 9 on his birthday). The card was a real grown up one as well with foul language and totally not appropriate. I found it in the bin in ds's room.

I think we need to confront him - either you do this grandad thing appropriately or not at all. We never see him, despite him passing through our city on a regular basis. Dh has tried calling him (he doesn't have a mobile) but he never answers.

DO you think he could have early dementia or something (he's 66) - dh thinks he's just being an arse like he always has been.

It just makes me so angry - we have loving kids who want a relationship with him but he gives nothing, and when he does it is wildly inappropriate!

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TheCrackFox · 22/02/2011 11:13

No, I don't think he has dementia - he is a cruel arse.

Does your DH have any siblings? Did your FIL treat his children differently or have a definite favourite? If so he is repeating the same patterns.

TBH - I would limit contact and would intercept any post before your children have a chance to see it and post it back to him.

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TheMonster · 22/02/2011 11:15

He sounds awful. It just sounds like his priorities are elsewhere. If I were you, I would stop all limit contact with him.

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weegiemum · 22/02/2011 11:18

Crackfox I think you are right.

I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt.

He has this theory that your children are only your children till they are 18 and then you "set them free" adn it is up to them to come back to you.

Funny how he has practically no relationship with either of his sons - his relationship with BIL is even worse, they live half a mile apart and never see each other unless they happen to meet in the street!

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MigratingCoconuts · 22/02/2011 11:18

what does your DH think? is he used to this behaviour or has he noticed a change?

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Hassled · 22/02/2011 11:20

If his personality hasn't fundamentally changed then it's unlikely to be dementia - he's just a tosser. Your poor DS.

You have nothing to lose by confronting him - it'd be interesting to know why he's singled out your DS for crapness. Confronting him is hardly going to make things worse, is it?

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weegiemum · 22/02/2011 11:21

DH says hes always been like this.

But as we never see him/speak to him (not for want of trying) its hard to tell. DH is medical so hope he would notice, but even he thinks its got odder recently, although the odder behaviour correlates with the new girlfriend being on the scene.

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yomellamoHelly · 22/02/2011 11:21

My father is like this even down to the wedding thing.

However we refused his OW an invite (I also phoned her directly and told her she had no invite and why) and had a couple of people posted to bar her entry if he turned up with her. (Couldn't do it to my mum.)

I've basically cut him out of our lives completely. If I see him somewhere socially I'll be completely civil to him as I would to anyone, but it stops there.

I would want to shield my children from this kind of poison.

My father knows he's blown it but I have no sympathy.

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weegiemum · 22/02/2011 11:28

I wish we had stood our ground on the wedding, but we were young and dh, even then, was doing all he could to maintain some kind of relationship. It was also hard as relatives of dh were coming over from Germany (fil is German though has lived in the UK since he was a teenager) and the only person we had to translate for them was FIL - I'm justifying now, I'll stop.

I want to weep for ds. I will certainly be intercepting the post after this.

The most recent thing I didn't even mention (forgot) was that postcards came for the girls from his extravegant Christmas holiday but again - nothing for ds!! Dd1 put hers in the bin without reading it as soon as she realised. My heart breaks for my (somewhat sensitive) little boy.

I need to put a stop to it. Will talk to dh tonight about him confronting - if not, I'll do it!

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MigratingCoconuts · 22/02/2011 12:03

that sounds like a good plan. i would be totally up front with your kids too (I am sure you are!) to show that you know this behaviour towards DS is completely unnacceptable. i suspect he will need to know this from you.

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TheCrackFox · 22/02/2011 12:20

It is important that your DS sees you both standing up for him.

I haven't cut my FIL out of my life but a very good friend has (he sounds very similar) and they both wish they had done it a lot sooner - before it had escalated into the FIL treating his grandchildren badly. However, I appreciate that this is really your DH's choice if he wishes to maintain contact but you can certainly minimise any contact he has with you and your children.

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CinnabarRed · 22/02/2011 12:22

"Dd1 put hers in the bin without reading it as soon as she realised" - your DD1 sounds lovely, and your DS is very lucky to have such a loving family (FIL excluded). Concentrate on them, not him.

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Anniegetyourgun · 22/02/2011 12:31

What Cinnabar said. A truly lovely gesture from a caring sibling. I hope any harm your FIL has done will be negated by that kind of solidarity. That doesn't mean you let him carry on doing it, though. He may be unable to help it (who knows), but if it's doing harm to your children he has to be kept at arm's length. You have come to this realisation after years of trying to keep a normal relationship with him, but you must surely be ready to come to the conclusion now that enough is enough.

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weegiemum · 22/02/2011 12:34

Dh has already told them that "Opa is just stupid, and we love you all very much".

I will screen all post from now on. Luckily he has very distinctive handwriting so it wont be hard.

Dd1 is indeed lovely. SHe offered to split her birthday money with ds as well! (We didn't let her, we matched it, but still, it was a lovely offer).

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TheCrackFox · 22/02/2011 12:35

Your DD sounds lovely. Smile

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/02/2011 14:14

Would describe him as a toxic inlaw to you and toxic parent to your DH (particularly as your H says he has always been like this). Would suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward.

Such people as well rarely if ever make for decent grandparents. He I daresay also sounds narcissistic in terms of personality; one of their many characteristics apart from acting like they are the only person that matters is that they tend to be crap gift givers (I note the types of crappy gifts he has sent your children). Also you have come from a family where this type of familial dysfunction is thankfully unknown so this is doubly difficult for you to deal with.

Do not open any letters, infact I would shred any such post. Same with the presents (throw them out); he is showing unfair favouritism to your other two. Such gifts as well are often not without strings or conditions attached.

Would limit all contact with a view to cutting him off completely; he does not deserve to have any of you in his life.

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weegiemum · 22/02/2011 16:02

I, sadly, also come from a toxic family and have no contact with my mother (my Dad and stepmum make fabulous grandparents though).

Maybe its me, I can't get along with anyone??



Yes, luckily his extreme passivity and unwillingness to make any kind of an effort means that cutting him off is not a hard thing to do.

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lospolloshermanos · 22/02/2011 16:39

I think your DH would be a good basis he will remember how he behaved/childhood now etc
like favouritism,

In all honsesty he sounds like hes more interested in his next conquest than anybody else

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msboogie · 22/02/2011 18:04

but if you never see him what's the problem? Just don't contact him, drop his post in the bin and stop expecting him to suddenly start acting like he cares.

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