My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I need help

41 replies

amiinsane · 20/02/2011 20:47

I have a problem. LOL . I need to know whether I am going mad or if it is him.

OH has a habit of phoning numbers on my mobile bill to see who they are, he hates me talking to friends on the phone, he thinks they should only phone him up to ask if we would like to go out for an evening. He hates me meeting friends, seeing my family twice a month, you are probably getting the picture. He hasn't gone for me physically since I threatened to phone the police. He trashes the furniture, threatens me with splitting up every few days( we have been together 20 years, lol) etc
He has recently discovered facebook, contantly "stalking" me on there. So I blocked him, not the most sensible thing but I just can't deal with him questioning me about all my friends on there. I overheard him talking to friend of his saying how I doesn't want to know him on FB, and how strange it is that we are not linked. They both agreed I was mad.

Am I ? or is it how I feel it it which is self preservation. He is making feel its all in my mind, though the previous bruises aren't, lol.
I hope this makes some sense, any sense at all?

OP posts:
Report
elizadoestoomuch · 20/02/2011 20:51

No you are not mad.

He is a bully.
He is a control freak.
He is manipulative.
He is abusive.

What do you want to happen?

You know you deserve more than this?

Report
merrywidow · 20/02/2011 20:51

Do you have DCs?

Report
merrywidow · 20/02/2011 20:52

And what he does is not normal, he is what Eliza said.

Report
amiinsane · 20/02/2011 20:52

No DC's thank goodness. I can't have them, though I feel its for the best. The dog makes him jealous, goodness knows how DC's would make him feel.

OP posts:
Report
LoopyLoopsHulaHoops · 20/02/2011 20:54

Please leave him. Not read whole OP yet, just the first two lines were enough to tell me you need to leave hi. Will read the rest now, and post again.

You're not mad.

Report
amiinsane · 20/02/2011 20:54

I don't know which way to turn, I can't see the wood from the trees.

OP posts:
Report
belledechocchipcookie · 20/02/2011 20:55

Why on earth are you still there? Call Women's Aid and get out of there. He's not normal, he's an abuser.

Report
AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/02/2011 20:55

You are not mad, he likely is however.

Controlling behaviours like he shows you are all abusive behaviours. This is about power and control; he wants both over you and wants you in a gilded cage of his own making.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. What do you want to happen from here on in?. Don't waste another 20 years on him.

Report
belledechocchipcookie · 20/02/2011 20:56
Report
LoopyLoopsHulaHoops · 20/02/2011 20:56

Yes, leave him. He is a controlling abuser, and you are letting him control and abuse you. Do you want to be controlled and abused? No? Then leave. Now, or as soon as you possibly can.

Report
amiinsane · 20/02/2011 20:56

He seems normal to other people, I am really scared its me thats lost the plot.

OP posts:
Report
AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/02/2011 20:56

Would also second the suggestion made to call Womens Aid. You need their help badly.

You need to also read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. Controlling men are angry men as well.

Report
belledechocchipcookie · 20/02/2011 20:57

It's not you, he's messed with your head so you think it's you.

Report
AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/02/2011 20:57

Abusers as well are very plausible to those in the outside world. It is only behind closed doors that their true nature emerges.

Report
elizadoestoomuch · 20/02/2011 20:59

ok. If you feel like you don't know which way to turn then just take it one step at a time.
Call Womens Aid. Just for a chat. Tell them what you have said here and hear them out.
Sometimes everything can be so overwhelming that you almost freeze into doing nothing - so baby steps. One phonecall. One chat. One step at a time.
When you have spoken to Womens Aid you will feel stronger. You will realise that you can regain control. Just talk to them.
xx

Report
NotANaturalGeordie · 20/02/2011 20:59

Posting on here often seems to help people clarify their thoughts. I would not tolerate any person 'trashing the furniture' or checking who I have been calling etc, and I would certainly block that person on FB. He is abusive to you and you need to get some perspective on his behaviour.

Is he deeply insecure or very controlling? My DH no longer receives a paper mobile bill, he now 'views' it online only - can you change to this?

Report
LoopyLoopsHulaHoops · 20/02/2011 21:00

For 20 years he has been conditioning you to think like that.

It is not you.

Leave him.

Report
NotANaturalGeordie · 20/02/2011 21:00

Have x posted - the other posters are right, call Women's Aid.

Report
LoopyLoopsHulaHoops · 20/02/2011 21:00

Good post Eliza.

Report
elizadoestoomuch · 20/02/2011 21:01

Womens Aid are very experienced with men like him. They will be able to help you.
Its definitely not you. It is definitely him.

Report
amiinsane · 20/02/2011 21:01

I did buy it after reading these threads, I hid it in my car, but he went through my car and found it, not the best idea. ( I hide the car keys btw) God this sounds terrible typing it.

OP posts:
Report
amiinsane · 20/02/2011 21:02

Yes I changed my bill to online but that has made things worse, as I now must have something to hide.

OP posts:
Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

bumbums · 20/02/2011 21:04

Yes please trust your instincts. You wouldn't have posted here if you didn't truely think you were right. He's a control freak turned abusive.
Even though no body here know you, we all know you deserve better. Life doesn't have to be this hard. Get out of there. There's a happy life waiting for you.

Report
merrywidow · 20/02/2011 21:04

Agree with everyone above

Report
elizadoestoomuch · 20/02/2011 21:04

The fact you have already got the book means somewhere deep down you know that what he is doing is wrong. What you need help with now is realising those feelings. That is where Womens Aid can help.
If you don't feel able to speak to them could you ask a friend? I've spoken to them a few times on behalf of friends just to make the first contact so to speak.

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.