NPD/Gaslighting..new words, but familiar traits in dH? Freaking out..!

[OneDove]

Hi,
I have been reading various threads in Relationships as dH and I having the usual bickering.But freaking out my dH is exhbiting signs of NPD?
This is my first post, so I will try to be concise.
Married with 2 children (3 &5). Essentially ok but communication is poor between us.
Argue about who works harder (he does)as I am part time. Not enough sx (he thinks)2-3 times a week!
He is very disengaged from family post work but his job is tiring and stressful.
If I try and tell him how i feel (neglected, like the housekeeper not a wife)or about anything really, I am told I am 'wrong to feel like that' or I am 'mad' or 'mental' if I say his behaviour upsets me. This of course makes me cross and then as I start to get angry as I feel he is not listening, this is just ammunititon for him to tell me I am 'unstable' for getting angry!He also told me he didn't want to be with someone who didn't want to have sx with him. I was extreemly upset by this as I do just not every day!
Also the ignoring me for days at a time he states is 'justified'in doing this due to how I have treated him.
He is NEVER wrong about anything and when I say I just want him to listen to my feelings, he replys that is just me wanting to be right.
I am sooo frustrated. Is this NPD behaviour or is he just really annoying? What can I do? I am worried the children will start to pick up on the ignoring tactics
Sorry not concise at all.
:(

[LittleMissHissyFit]

Ordinarily I'd be falling over myself to help, but I have just dumped dropped off my 'H' today at Heathrow, he was exactly like that, and I got all the tricks in the book hurled at me today, so I am totally spent...


I will mark my place and return if I can offer anything more than my abject sympathy and reassurance that there is life on the other side of this bully.

[GertieWooster]

Wow - he calls his wife and the mother of his children 'mad', 'mental' and 'unstable', and emotionally blackmails you with the threat of being left on you own if you don't have sex with him. I bet that makes you feel special

You are right to be worried about your children picking up on it. To a certain degree I don't think it matters whether someone tells you he is NPD or not (and only a psychiatrist who has spent time with him can really diagnose that, although a lot of ladies on here will recognise the signs very vividly). I would say, before he does any more damage to your self worth, that you need to get your 'self' back.

A skilled counsellor, working just with you, would help you find out if it is 'just' a communication breakdown between you or whether he is trying to break you down. If it's the latter then I'm afraid these problems don't tend to get better with time.

Do you have anyone in real life to talk to about this? If this has been going on for a while then your notion of what is 'usual' bickering may have moved very far away from what a 'normal' couple might call usual. NPD behaviour is insidious; if he had treated you like this on your first date, I doubt very much that you would have wanted a second date. Good luck.

[GertieWooster]

a counsellor/psychologist turned my life around (and very possibly saved it), so I am biased and my advice comes from my own experience - it may not be the best solution for you. But by posting on here, you have already taken the first step to do something about your situation and that is great.

[AgeingGrace]

Sorry, didn't realise you had started your own thread! I answered you on the other one - please, do read Why Does He Do That?. I also second Gertie's advice to find a sensible counsellor. From H's point of view, this will confirm that you're bonkers but, more importantly, you need someone to really hear you and give you some short-term tactics to get yourself grounded and regain some control :)

[OneDove]

Thanks for the great replies. I have been to counselling a couple of times myself and found it useful. I come from an abusive childhood (cold, distant mother who put her relatonships before her children, abusive stepfather) and counselling helped me understand my triggers for anger as it was an issue ten years or so ago.
I like to think I am more calm now and accepting of my childhood, but the thought of not being listened too really upsets me greatly. Possibly over sensitive to it?
What I have described above does not happen every day. It is more episodic, but just as upsetting. I am afraid to tell him how I feel as it will just be dismissed. I find it difficult to fathom how a husband can just act for DAYS as if his wife is not there. Then when I try to talk to him, I have to apologise before he will engage with me. OR after a few days he will act as if nothing happened and be normal. Not sure which is more frustrating.
I have mentioned counselling and I think he may try it.It's difficult to find the time with 2 small kids and working.
Then there are days which are fine and lovely. :(

[GertieWooster]

So sorry about your childhood. I'm afraid I can't say I'm surprised, you have been vulnerable and conditioned to put up with not feeling important to those who should be putting you first.

Cycling between good times and bad times is very common; it adds to the confusion and the feeling that it is you that is wrong, that it is you that is making him behave the way he does. Was he very charming when you first met?

Again, if he knows your past, and knows your previous anger issues, provoking you into getting cross will also unsettle you and make you think that you're the one with the problem.

I don't think many counsellors would work with couples if there is abuse within the relationship. If he was to have counselling on his own, and he is abusive rather than just thoughtless, then he would probably tell you that his counsellor thinks it is all your fault.

[SmashingNarcissistsMirrors]

i feel i'm still a bit damaged myself but from my perspective i've been in a longterm relationship with a N (infact quite possibly two longterm relationships) and am now married to someone who isn't a N. but we still sometimes have horrible rows where we call each other names, saying nasty things, things get thrown, doors slammed, walls punched etc. my 'favourite' final scenario is to go and hide under the duvet, most likely crying, and wait to be 'rescued'. bloody hell it sounds so pathetic written down like that.

i'm hoping we can stop this and i can stop my part in it. obviously i can't stop my husband's part in it so i'm just hoping he can / will.

do you ever give any abusive behaviour back (even self abusive?)

part of my realisation of being with a N was that the reason the relationship worked up to a point was my reactions were so complimentary to what they needed. for a long time (and even after the N left) i kept going over in my mind what i could have done to make it work. i now realise that was completely the wrong answer. the correct answer was why was i so desperate to make it work (long after others would have left themselves).

don't know it that's at all helpful to your situation.

[StuffingGoldBrass]

Doesn;t matter what label you stick on him, he's a knobber and an abusive bully. Poor you. Unfortunately, people who have previously been abused often attract abusers: nasty people have a kind of radar for those who will not just laugh and tell them to fuck off.
Get some counselling of your own - his behaviour is not normal and not acceptable - you are an adult, entitled to your own feelings and opinions and he is not entitled to punish you for disagreeing with him; he is neither your boss nor your owner.

[OneDove]

Oh good....so tried to talk to dH about how I was feeling and suggested we go to counselling. I dared to say that I thought counselling would be helpful for him. His response was he would go but only because our marriage wasn't working because of my behaviour! He does not need any counselling. Apparently I am a nightmare to live with and I am 'snippy'. He referred to two instances where I was short with him in front of his mum and sister. I was, but it's almost he cares more about what they think of him.
Again his responses were all that I put on a 'martyr' act whenever I feel that I am not getting my way. I said I just want you to hear me. I want you to understand my feelings. He again reverted to type and did the 'you just want to be right and when you know you are wrong,you do the poor me act'.
I am soooo frustrated. I can be stroppy but I don't think I am that bad.
I did say to him I am not prepared to stay in the marriage feeling belittled, ignored and basically not important enough for him.
he appeared not to care when I said this.
So now???

[SmashingNarcissistsMirrors]

i think you answered your own question OneDove. you have stated "I am not prepared to stay in the marriage feeling belittle, ignored and basically not important enough". he is not prepared to acknowlege any problem on his side. it seems hard to see a way to reconcile that.

[GertieWooster]

He doesn't think you're capable of leaving him. If it starts to look like you're serious then he will become 'perfect husband of the year' and there will probably be some tears and apologies thrown in. It won't last.

Joint counselling was always going to be a non-runner, for various reasons. Put yourself first, not only for you but for your DC too. You are not going to be able to change him and you don't want your DC thinking that this is how relationships work.

The book that AgeingGrace recommended is excellent; it is not something that should be read in front of your H. The author, who has worked with thousands of abusive men of all varieties, lays bare their methodologies and motivations. It is an eye opener.

Take heart that you are frustrated and that you know that things are not right. Your spirit has not been completely broken, so nurture what remains of it.

[GettinganIcyGrip]

I too think that it doesn't really matter what you call him, he is a nasty piece of work and he is making you unhappy, and your children will be damaged by his behaviour.

These disorders are on a spectrum anyway, and usually they come with other disorders or bits of one and bits of another.

Don't go to counselling with him, go on your own. And you will probably find that after you have go the courage to leave him with your children that you suddenly cease being 'snippy'.

Good luck xx

[StuffingGoldBrass]

Couple counselling won't work. If a counsellor agrees to see you as a couple the counsellor is an incompetent fuckwit, because no competent counsellor will do couple-counselling when there is abuse and your H is abusive.
He won't change. He thinks that you are a 'woman', not a person and that it is perfectly OK for him to treat you like a combination of pet and domestic appliance with sexual orifices, that he can thump or kick when it doesn;t 'work' properly.