Did your relationship change after children?

[seeminglyso]

If so how? Since the birth of our son I feel like I have taken a real knock as my husband concentrates everything on the baby e kisses him when leaving but not me anymore etc. I dont mind that DS is number one ..he is for me too..but just wondeing if this happened to anyone else ..

[jollydiane]

Most people would agree that your priorites shift when you children. I have few tips

1. Try and get DS into bed by 7-8pm at least this gives you an evening to enjoy together to have dinner and enjoy a glass of wine and talk things over.
   

1. Get a new hair cut, nothing quite like it to feel all shiny and new again.
   

1. I insisted on DH calling me by my name not 'mummy' I wanted to make sure he saw me as equal not just the mother of his child
   

1. Sleep.
   

1. You are normal

[seeminglyso]

Thanks. I just get the feeling I am rather surplus to requirements. Also I feel like he gets a bit jealous of the baby being attached to me and responding to me more (this of course is natural as I am exclusively breast feeding and spend all day with DS). I just cant believe how different our relationship has become since DS arrived..we were so affectionate with one another etc but even that has all stopped.

[jollydiane]

Could you consider getting him involved? Maybe express (get an electric pump otherwise you get cramp in you hand so DH can do feed at say 10pm. You get a break, and he gets involved?

[Niceguy2]

Your relationship will suffer a MASSIVE change. It's inevitable.

The trick is to continue to make time for each other as a couple. Many parents forget this bit and they become exclusively mum/dad then years down the line realise they have fuck all in common anymore then split up.

[mandy1978]

laughing is soooooo important. try not to take everything seriously.

hormones also play a massive part, its a huge change to go through so try and be easy on each other. it does get easier as the baby phase passes.. try to be fair to eachother and have enough time with baby together, independently and also time as a couple. if you can get the balance right that helps a lot.

we have become a LOT closer but in our first year of ds1 life my oh was made redundant, i had to be the breadwinner and work ft, then my job went, my dad got cancer... its was effing awful looking back. but instead of doing anything drastic and shouting, we tried to be kind to eachother.

one of the best things to remember is both of you have to adapt, it may seem the other has it easy but have been the worker and sahm and both are hard, but both rewarding.. but both require compromise.

try to enjoy every second and instead of complaining at eachother try to give eachother a hug instead.

but you will go through trying times, its normal i think

xxxxxx

[londonartemis]

I noticed this after the birth of our first DC. As we had been getting on very well before the birth, I thought we could 'afford' to sacrifice a bit of the couple closeness...but in retrospect I think that was a big mistake. Now I feel I really cannot emphasise enough how important it is to stay close together as people, rather than parents. I feel my DC - whom we both adore BTW - are the cause of my DH and me spending less time on each other. For a long time, we suppressed our own needs for our children's, but I think we have damaged our relationship in the process. So I would just say - Beware!

[seeminglyso]

londonartmis...are you still together? What do you miss most? Do you think you could get it back? I fear losing a partnership which I really valued.. I feel I have traded it in to have a child. I really didnt anticipate this.

[Mymblesson]

I insisted on DH calling me by my name not 'mummy'

Good heavens. Do people actually do this?

[londonartemis]

Hi Seeminglyso,
We are still together, but I have been seriously thinking of ending it for a while now. The repercussions seem horrendous though, and I don't know if I have the nerve for it.
DH and I seem to be masters at non-communication. Our biggest mistake over the years is NOT TALKING about how we are truly feeling, but rather suppressing it.
You are early days into being parents, so my advice is to tackle all your worries early on when you can both laugh and joke and worry together about it all. We slept on ours too often, and deep pools of resentment built up which were more and more daunting to face, and so of course we didn't.
The thing is, having children also changes us as people - hugely. And the person you are when you are a parent of several years, is not always the young carefree attractive person you once were...so the partnership needs to be able to grow to accommodate how we change into becoming parents.
I have been with Relate and without going into details, I see lots of ways in which my relationship has been weakened with my DH, but the biggest one is non-communication over our own needs (whilst nevertheless managing to communicate extremely well about our children's needs.)

[givemesomespace]

OP this is so so normal and IMO needs to be heavily guarded against. For us the sheer volume of everything in our lives left no time for each other. After no4 we came to breaking point. DW had no emotional energy for us as a couple. For various reasons, we didn't have much help and so the physical exhaustion increased. The consequence of all this was resentment between us as we communicated less (both stubborn and proud) and closed off from each other. We both felt completely unappreciated by the other. It took a break down (me) for us to realise just how bad it was.
It has been a horrible horrible 12 months but it looks like we have pulled ourselves back from the brink. It scares me how close we were.
We have decided that we're not prepared to settle for our relationship suffering and so we're going through a lot of readjustment to take control. It takes a lot of honesty and a lot of communication.
Don't let it all slip away. HTH

[seeminglyso]

Sorry to hear that. Its a strange thing how it affects things. I think there is a lot to be said having children earlier on in the relationship. We waited nine years and so the transition has been huge as we are not used to sharing each other.

I think its hard to communicate your needs its not an easy thing to do but it is essential you are right.

[Beamur]

I found the first couple of years really took its toll on my relationship, for various reasons, but I think we've come out the other side now. DP and I get on well and enjoy our DD, the time and energy we have for each other is less than before, but we make the effort every now and again to go out, but its the day to day stuff that counts really.
How old is your baby OP?

[londonartemis]

I agree it is not easy to communicate your needs. It is easier just to let the moment pass and get on with the next task around the house. Even now I have a lot of things I know I need to say to DH and can't quite face the moment...
I think the fact that you can say you are not used to sharing each other is a good enough starting point for a conversation with your DH. There are lots of things I wish I had known and understood about myself years ago. A lot of the time, like givemesomespace, I suppose, I was too proud and 'coping' to admit all was not well.

[seeminglyso]

My baby is only 12 weeks so its early days.

[eons26]

Yes , very definitely. I think my dh was just massively overwhelmed with love for our dc. Not that he didn't love me any more, just that he was so amazed.

I would just say, hey where's my kiss? Hopefully he'll get the hint then.

[noodle69]

I dont think it has changed us but I also dont really thinking being a parent has changed me as a person. I still like looking nice, going out and all the same things I did before. I dont think having kids should change who you are.