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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

WWYD

36 replies

smokingnuns · 16/02/2011 19:38

I would appreciate some advice though not sure if anyone can give it?

I work with a girl, 23, who is leaving on Friday, short contract up, happy to move on. She has been on A/L for 2 weeks, came back this week and is not herself. I have never seen her like it, very unsettled, pale, strange, physically and emotionally under the weather. I have worked with her for 6 months and she is always the same, no fluctuations in mood, usually very upbeat, good fun. Today she has been saying she can't bear the smell of cigarette smoke - walking back from lunch with colleagues (she didn't fancy any of the food) she had to skip along to avoid the smell of the smoke - but we were outside! She is, was, a smoker but has stopped, she says because she forgets - she volunteered this information 3 times today. She would say if she is trying to give up, would make a big fuss about it. She has also refused tea and coffee all week.

You know what I'm going to say - I wonder if she is pregnant. She doesn't have a serious boyfriend and talks a lot about various boys she's met, running commentary. She lives to party, is totally into her social life. I am the closest to her in the office and a similar age to her parents.

I wonder if she knows and is dropping obvious hints that she wants me to pick up? If she knows, it could be why she is unsettled and upset. Or she could not know? She can be quite dippy and it wouldn't surprise me if she didn't realise. She is leaving on Friday. Should I say something?

OP posts:

Report

MummieHunnie · 16/02/2011 19:41

She sounds pregnant to me.

Are you going to have a relationship with her after Friday?

crystalglasses · 16/02/2011 19:43

If you're sure she's not upset about leaving, you could ask her if there's anything worrying her as she doesn't seem her normal cheery self since she returned from leave. However unless you are going to continue the relationship I don't think there's much more you can do.

realrabbit · 16/02/2011 19:47

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smokingnuns · 16/02/2011 22:16

I'm absolutely sure she's not upset about leaving.

In a few months we are supposed to be working on a very prestigious project that has come up, different organisers. When the organisers approached us it would be fair to say she pushed herself forward so aggressively she practically elbowed me in the eye. Minx! I was pissed off about that and in the one phone call we had about the project while she was off I was cool - not horribly cool, I'm not that type! But thinking about it, in all honesty she is the better one for the job, also the better one to represent our project (we are a charity, her input would not be paid but it is neverthless an incredible opportunity). I promoted her to the organisers in a subsequent email and told her I had - but to my complete amazement she wasn't interested and is being evasive about following up this opportunity. It is actually the big break she has been after and I have stood aside.

It could be that she is upset that I was cool but I really don't think so. Although dippy sometimes, she can be ruthless about pursuing her own ends, professionally as well as personally. Her response when we discussed the project was lacklustre, completely in contrast to her response before where she would have sold her own mother to get in on the project. She's been staring into space all week. If I didn't know her better, I'd say she seems depressed.

She may not be the nicest person sometimes, even though she's great fun, but if she is 23 and pg, very probably doesn't know who the father is, she's vulnerable. We've had a warm 'friendship', hug when we meet and part. We've worked exclusively together for 6 months, I got to know her well - this week all change, we have been part of a team and not had any time together.

So in answer to your q's, I don't know if we'd have a relationship when she leaves - I'm the same age as her mother, her life is about clubbing and boys - but we should be working on the same project together, the project that should be a big opportunity for her.

Sorry about the minutiae, just working it out in my head. I may see how it goes tomorrow to see if there is an opportunity or to gauge if she has been dropping hints or whatever.

OP posts:

Myleetlepony · 16/02/2011 22:19

I'm not sure why you feel you need to know. She's got parent I assume? Why do you feel you need to get involved in this?

OhForKuckingFuntsSake · 16/02/2011 22:22

i dont think it's any of your business to be honest. you can aske her if she is ok or needs to talk if you are concerned that she is stressed but other than that i wouldn't pry. if she is pregnant, she will find out herself. not up to you to tell her she might be. unless she asks.

OhForKuckingFuntsSake · 16/02/2011 22:23

"but if she is 23 and pg, very probably doesn't know who the father is, she's vulnerable."

why the hell would she not know who the father is just because she is 23 and parties? why would she be vulnerable?

sharbie · 16/02/2011 22:25

ime if someone is pregnant and they want to tell you - they will

OhForKuckingFuntsSake · 16/02/2011 22:27

I'm going to be honest, I'm not seeing any concern in your posts at all OP. it just sounds like nosiness.

hairylights · 16/02/2011 22:36

None of your business. She's 23!!!

smokingnuns · 16/02/2011 22:41

No, I don't think I'm being nosey. I'm concerned for her. It's a shit situation to be in. She is kind of weightless, in that way people can be at that age - no responsibilities, having a fantastic time. I know she probably wouldn't know who the father is because I've had a blow-by-blow account of her love life for the past 6 months. She also finds it very difficult to be verbally honest about her feelings (even though she has had no trouble telling me intimate details about her love life), doesn't have the skills to have an honest conversation about how she feels. It would be just like her to hint and hope you get the hint and pick it up. But as you say sharbie maybe she would tell me if she wanted to.

OP posts:

BooYhoo · 16/02/2011 22:44

how is it shit? shit in your eyes, maybe not in hers. as you say she doesn't have the skills to tell you how she feels so how would you know that this would be shit for her?

what is it you are concerned about for her?

smokingnuns · 16/02/2011 22:46

Because I care about her

OP posts:

BooYhoo · 16/02/2011 22:47

"Although dippy sometimes, she can be ruthless about pursuing her own ends, professionally as well as personally."

but yet doesn't have the verbal skills to tak about how she feels? maybe she just doesn't want to tell YOU how she feels because you are so nosy

BooYhoo · 16/02/2011 22:47

no what are your concerns? concerned about what?

MummieHunnie · 16/02/2011 23:00

The sleeping around and the high life, followed by a depression in your opinion, have you thought of bipolar?

unavailable · 16/02/2011 23:18

No OP, say nothing - you would be stepping over the line.

She is a work mate, not a friend and has given you no indication that she wants a more involved relationship.

Its not your place.

smokingnuns · 17/02/2011 00:01

Thank you unavailable! That's it, clear and plain, just in time for the morning - thank you!

Hadn't thought of that Mummie, could be. But would that affect her sense of smell?

OP posts:

MummieHunnie · 17/02/2011 00:06

I have no idea, if bipolar affects your sense of smell, my sense of smell was affected in early pregnancy. The thing is you really have no clue what the issue is, this woman is leaving the job in two days and you have not told us if you are planning on staying friends with her or if you have had a relationships out of work the last 6 months, so is it really relevant that you know if you are not going to stay friends?

smokingnuns · 17/02/2011 08:51

This isn't about me, but about her. I'm not sure why I have to spell it out that I am concerned for her. I hope she gets the support she needs if she is pg and it is immaterial to me who from as long as it's helpful to her, what she wants and needs. I posted because I have not told anyone in RL as they could well meet her one day. Thanks for the helpful posts.

OP posts:

loopylou6 · 17/02/2011 09:07

Hmm I'm smelling a rat, is this your daughter op?

realrabbit · 17/02/2011 09:13

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BooyFuckingHoo · 17/02/2011 11:20

but you haven't explained what your concerns for her are OP.

what is it that worries you about the possibility of this girl being pregnant?

flooziesusie · 17/02/2011 11:32

I think more people should be like the OP to be honest, showing genuine concern for someone is a good thing (whether it is the OP's business or not).

I think just ask, then the ball is in her court so to speak - at least she will know that she has someone thinking about her wellbeing. Regardless if she has anyone in RL or not.

muddleduck · 17/02/2011 11:41

There are some really shit replies on this thread.

Very sad about the idea that we should 'keep our noses out' when someone we care about is clearly having a shit time

OP. It is fine (and very lovely) to say to someone at the end of the day that you're a bit worried about them and would they like to go somewhere for a chat. She can (of course) say no, but IMO it is better to ask.

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