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Big op 3 days away - 76 year old parents driving me crazy

4 replies

heartsandminds · 15/02/2011 08:23

Reposting this under a more helpful title to see if I can increase hits.
Link:
//www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1150191-Big-op-3-days-away

Counsellor has turned me away - I need mumsnet wisdom! Not to change anything, just for sympathy I think.

OP posts:

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NotQuiteCockney · 15/02/2011 08:39

It sounds like a really stressful and tiresome situation. What sort of real-life support do you have?

Is calling the Samaritans or similar an option? I understand why the therapist would think digging through Big Things right now would be a bad idea ... but support sounds like a much-needed, and much-deserved, thing.

Maybe you can see this as your turning point, when you realise you need to do something about your relationship with your parents?

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/02/2011 08:42

hearts,

Good luck with your forthcoming op.

All you can do longer term re your parents is limit contact as much as possible and make any contact on solely your terms. I daresay your relationship with them has always been difficult. What you describe re them are classic toxic parent behaviours.

FWIW your mother actually sounds narcissistic. Presumably too she is the driving force in your parents relationship and your dad has acted as he has out of self preservation and want of a quiet lief.

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Anniegetyourgun · 15/02/2011 08:47

Massive sympathy. Please try to stop worrying about your parents. They'll be fine! Sure they'll worry a bit but they will survive it. Wait a minute, who's going for this op anyway?

As for their threats to visit, just gotta be harsh I think. The specialist has ordered no visitors for at least (what would work for you? Two weeks? Three? A month?) and your DP is going to police that ferociously. Unfortunately, yes, that even includes your loving parents, but of course you'll keep in touch regularly (through DP for the most part!) so they don't have to worry about you. Of course they have a right to visit your area, but what a shame it's not going to be possible to combine it with a visit to your house on this occasion.

Bit difficult if they actually turn up on the doorstep, but if DP is there he can frown horribly at them and if he isn't you can't be expected to get up and answer the door when you're convalescing, can you?

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heartsandminds · 15/02/2011 15:44

Cockney you're right about this being a turning point and Attila the more I read about it the more it's obvious that my mother does have narcissistic (sp?) tendencies.

I won't dwell on it too much now - something to explore later. I'm beginning to think that perhaps it's me of 4 siblings who is the 'scapegoat' - always labelled difficult, bossy, when in fact I am the ace appeaser, bringing glasses of sherry to calm her down on Xmas day....

I do find it sad - sort of for her too! - that she cannot summon up the common kindness to be in touch to wish me warmth and good wishes for what's coming. Because I've done something wrong - not let her play the role she wants. Bizarre. Or not, I guess she has previously got lots of attention with the drama of a sick child. Wow that sounds bitchy.

Plenty of support around otherwise. Yesterday I felt like shit. After a temazapan night's sleep I feel far more positive. Thanks for posts, they are good to read.