My brain is bursting with this, help please.

[HelpMeUnravelThisMess]

Hi, sorry if this is long.

Met DP 4.5 years ago, I'd been single for a long time, having the occasional fling but really wanting a proper relationship. Never had any inclination to have kids.

Didn't fancy DP at all when we met, but we were fixed up by friends and I thought I'd like to go on a date with him and see where it went. He's since said he felt the same.

Hit it off incredibly well, and went on another date. As time went on I kept putting the lack of sexual chemistry to the back of my mind because I liked him so much, was having a lovely time, and was falling in love. Sexually it was a world apart from the flings I'd had, but I put this down to them being flings with totally unsuitable relationship-dodging charismatic types, whereas DP was quite clearly relationship material.

As the relationship continued we moved in together, then bought a house, and started to talk about children. I found myself really wanting them, and in particular wanting them with DP. He had always known he wanted children, but in no way pressured me.
Occasionally the lack of chemistry thing would bother me, but the pay off was always that I was with a funny, happy, entertaining, loving man.

We now have a 6 month old DD, and I find myself in huge turmoil about the relationship. DP didn't deal at all well with being a dad, overnight he became grumpy, bitter about his lost life, and totally self-absorbed in his woes whilst I was recovering from a traumatic birth, feeling totally alone and insecure.

Things are now improving at home in terms of his day to day happiness and relationship with DD but for me it feels like I've lost the relationship I had, and everything's spoiled. I've also found myself with a roving eye recently, and was very attracted to a man a I met recently through work. Of course I didn't do anything, and we're not likely to come into contact with each other again.

I feel incredibly stupid that I've painted myself into this corner: I've gone from a single (albeit lonely) woman to someone contemplating being a single mum. I'm absolutely sickened and terrified at the prospect of bringing up DD away from her dad. I also feel incredibly guilty that I've duped DP into a relationship (and by extension, a child), when I could have said right at the beginning that I didn't fancy him enough and let's not go on that second date.

I feel trapped and panicked. I wonder whether sexual counselling would help us, or whether our lack of chemistry is insurmountable.

I'm aware that the first months of parenthood are hard on relationships, and perhaps my feeling that 'everything is spoiled' is emotionally immature. We've hardly ever argued, though, so to be bickering constantly is a big deal.

Help me please.

[JustForThisOne]

well..doesnt sound good. You have 2 separates issues here. You have gone along with this relationship with all your own doubts but at the same time you have never thought that he would be less than happy and supportive and fun. You have now discovered that is not the case and he is not dealing well with fatherhood and adapting from being a couple to a family
As intimacy got worse too? What does he say he wants to do? Is he making suggestions, relate or similar maybe?
Tbh I think you need some counselling too, you have never been able to put together lust and love, so while it may never happen in this relationship at least you should get to the bottom of this for your future wellbeing
To you suffer from low self esteem? Have you been even slightly abused as a child/youth?

[HelpMeUnravelThisMess]

Thanks for your reply. No, no abuse history, although my parents' relationship was very argumentative and did on occasion result in violence.

Fuck, that phrase "you have gone along with this relationship" makes me feel like an absolute shit. And maybe I am. But I've truly loved him, which is how it's so confusing.

In terms of sex, he has a lower drive than me, and more mainstream tastes.

He doesn't fancy Relate, but I think he'd go if I said it was really important. He doesn't think things are as extreme as I do, he doesn't think the relationship is in jeopardy, he wants to improve the day to day negativity but we've never really discussed our lack of sexual chemistry.

I do sometimes suffer from low self-esteem. This relationship was a conscious effort to break the cycle of flings, rather than settling for sexual relationships with men who didn't want relationships, but with whom the sex was great.

[robberbutton]

How old is your DP? Had he had many partners before you? It sounds like there's a lot going for your relationship, could you not work harder at getting him to give you the kind of sex you want before throwing the whole thing away?

[HelpMeUnravelThisMess]

30s, no, not many relationships before me.

Just re-read my post, and I don't think I made it clear that until DD the only thing I questioned was the amount that I fancied him, and the quality of our sex life (I know these are major things!) . I wouldn't have changed anything else.

robber, that's why I wondered whether a sex therapist would help. Without going into TMI territory, I like the gent to be in charge in the bedroom, so the idea of tutoring someone is a real turn off for me. I have thought though, that DP's lack of experience could mean that he thinks the sex we have is good, because he hasn't experienced anything else, IYSWIM.

[JustForThisOne]

sorry if that phrase made you feel bad OP that wasnt my intention

just a thought, do you think you could forget what it has always been and try to see him under a different light, get yourself in the mood as much as you can, and start shagging him like you really mean it?

[JustForThisOne]

oops x posted
but still !

[HelpMeUnravelThisMess]

Don't worry Just, I was feeling awful already, not your fault at all!

[moodymama]

I think you need to give it time. Your child is only 6 months old, it's not the first few months that put pressure on your relationship, it's the first few years. My DD is nearly 5, DH and I are only just starting to reconnect properly and at times I have felt like a divorce would be the only solution. Our relationship is starting to get back to what it used to be now because DD is at school, we are used to being parents now, we have made a time of day which is just for us to talk, and I have more time being 'me' rather than mummy.
Honestly, give it time, put in some effort to try to get a bit of the old feelings back, and then give it some more time.
I think many of us nowadays expect marriage to be easy and good all the time, when actually many of us have to work really hard to keep our marriages going.
Try not to panic too much about the state of your marriage and observe this as a tough time that will improve.

[Hassled]

Agree that you need to give it time. If you do walk away, you need to be absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt, sure that you're doing the right thing, that you tried everything - because otherwise it will gnaw away at you and you'll struggle to move on.

6 months post-baby is not long enough for the dust to settle - it throws most couples out of synch a bit. Wait. Do what you can. Then have a re-think. But don't be blaming yourself re the chemistry thing; the chemistry coudl well have happened later on and if it didn't, you couldn't have predicted that.

[robberbutton]

Helpme, I don't know anything about therapy, but I know it is possible to change and grow together, especially if you both love and care for each other, and most importantly in some ways communicate well. I'm a very different person sexually to the one I was 10 years ago. I hope you can stick it out with your DP because of everything else that is going for you, and that this comes with time.

[atswimtwolengths]

I understand exactly what you mean about not fancying him.

Is he happy with your sex life? If you sleep together, does he have a grin a mile wide afterwards?

I don't like what you say about him being a misery now - do you think you've discovered he is actually quite a grumpy type of person, or do you think this was a blip?

[Eurostar]

As other have said, it takes time for things to settle back down emotionally after the change of a baby, sounds like your dp is getting back on track and you will too, so do give yourself time on that.

As for the sexual issues. Have you had an open conversation with him about this? It could be that he'd like to try more but he is shy and respectful of you and doesn't know how to bring in a bit of roleplay or risk being dominant without worrying it would hurt you. You say that you don't want to be the teacher but if it's for a short period and he gets the idea - that is worth it for long term gain surely.
If it turns out however that he is naturally submissive then that's more of a hurdle to get over but sex therapy might help.
You could show him this to give him the idea of what you are after
www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/561877622.html

[HelpMeUnravelThisMess]

Thanks everyone for your advice, thanks Eurostar for the link.

We've had a big heart to heart, where he has apologised for his mood in the first months of DD's life. No, he isn't naturally grumpy, thank god! I think he found himself in a cycle of struggling to adjust to his new life, which was making him unhappy, then there were more arguments with me, which was making him unhappy and so on and so on.

I think he is happy with our sex life. As I said, he hasn't much experience. I don't think he's naturally submissive, I think he has very mainstream tastes, and I don't think sex is hugely important to him. Will give that some thought.

[givemesomespace]

The change in your husband is so normal it is almost textbook stuff. Lots of my mates and I have chatted about this sort of thing and it is amazing how predictable the cycle of change can be for a guy. Clearly things change when children come along and we all have to adapt as a result. It's just so fecking hard sometimes. Give each other lots of love and understanding and make sure you each let the other know you are there for each other. I've been there and I just know that the more DW and I communicate, the better it is. I also know how hard it is.

There'll be a lot of people here telling you tat he is a 'sulking child' or that he should just 'get on with it', but if you are going to work as a family, you will need to work together on it.

The physical side is going to be difficult in teh short term furture, but all I can advise is to try and keep giving each other affection and love, even just a hug and a kiss, when you can

Good luck. He sounds like a good man so it's all worth working for. :)



For woman then change CAN be