Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

does this mean my husband is gay?

18 replies

cherrypie38 · 13/02/2011 18:44

Within the last week my husband has told me that a couple of years ago after my second child was born he had two sexual encounters with men he activley found on internet sites, he says he was curious and it turned him on , he tells me he hasn't since but I'm struggling to understand why and does this mean he prefers men to me? what do i do with this information, should i leave him?

OP posts:

Report

AlistairSim · 13/02/2011 18:46

He's cheated on you.

Does it really mateer who with?

belledechocchipcookie · 13/02/2011 18:47

Alistair's right, it doesn't matter who it was with, he's cheated on you.

robberbutton · 13/02/2011 18:48

Why did he tell you? Was it his guilt eating him up, or was it because he wants to do it again? Does it bother you more that he cheated on you, or that it was with men? Does he view it as not being unfaithful, because it was same-sex encounters?

mistressploppy · 13/02/2011 18:49

Probably bi, but as the posters above say, that's beside the point. You need to have a Big Chat

squeakytoy · 13/02/2011 18:57

Bi or gay, either way you need to find out exactly the nature of these sexual encounters and get yourself checked out.

Then get rid of him.

Sorry but he is a cheat, regardless of the sex of the person he cheated on you with. The very way he deliberately set out to cheat is bad enough.

It was no drunken one night stand in the heat of the moment. It was a planned deception. You deserve better.

AnyFucker · 13/02/2011 19:06

why has he told you this now ?

does he want you to agree to him seeing other men whilst remaining married to you ?

I second getting yourself down the GUM clinic

I am really sorry, this must be an awful shock

strawberrylion · 13/02/2011 19:12

My heart goes out to you because I have experience of this...I would ask a few more questions, especially as to why he's telling you this now, but ultimately, in my experience, this is the beginning of the end of your relationship, and you have to get as much help/support/counselling if necessary, as possible to help you through it x

HecateQueenOfWitches · 13/02/2011 19:17

Would you leave him if he had admitted to screwing around with women behind your back?

iskra · 13/02/2011 19:22

I'm going to come back to this, I've been in a similar situation but no time to reply now.

squeakytoy · 13/02/2011 19:25

If you have children, he should be the one leaving, not you.

sev1 · 13/02/2011 19:59

It doesn't matter what his sexual orientation is. The issue is that he has cheated on you (one 2 occasions from what he has told you). The question to ask yourself would be: How do you feel about it and would you be able to forgive him and trust him again? Be strong and whatever you decide, make sure you do what you feel is right for you and your children. I wish you all the best xx

QueenBathsheba · 13/02/2011 20:15

Why is he telling you now, guilt or looking for a way out of the marriage?

Can your forgive him? If you do will he pull the I am Bi card and need to sleep with men routine? If he does can you live with that?

Would you be hurt if he prefered men to you, or are you hurt because he has cheated on you?

TiggyD · 14/02/2011 09:05

No it doesn't mean he's gay.

It means he cheated.

TotorosOcarina · 14/02/2011 09:08

I think it DOES matter its a man.

If it were women then I could say 'right he cheated on me, what do i want to do? forgive him or leave him because he betrayed me'

with it being ment heres an extra huge weight hatrnging there saying 'does he want to be with a woman at all??'

If he cheated with a woman then at least OP wouldn't be wondering if he had ever been attracted to women etc...

and I'd always be wondering 'is he unhappy not just in our relationship but in his whold choice of being with a woman??'

TotorosOcarina · 14/02/2011 09:10

I'm not explaining myself clearly.

If it were a woman I would be devestated but with it being a man i would think 'i can never BE a man for him, so is he ever going to be satisfied being with me?'

i know there must be somne degree of that even if it were a woman but it seems hugely amplified if it were a man.

TobyLerone · 14/02/2011 10:01

It likely means he's bi. But like others have said, he cheated on you. Take 'with whom' out of the equation and work on the 'cheating' part. Once you have decided whether you can get past that part, you can work on the 'bi' part.

The fact that he may be bisexual does not automatically mean that he is not attracted to women/you. It just means that he may also be attracted to men.

moodymama · 14/02/2011 13:23

My dh is bisexual but has never cheated on me (that I know of!) and says he never will. As he says, it's just a matter of being faithful, same as it is for a straight guy.
Sorry you are in this situation.

TobyLerone · 14/02/2011 14:58

Exactly, moodymama. My bf and I are both bi. Neither of us have ever cheated, and neither would we. Just because someone is attracted to both sexes, doesn't mean that they will immediately feel the lack of one sex whilst in a relationship with the other. It also doesn't mean that they will automatically be more likely to cheat.

That said, though, the OP's husband cheated. Whether it was with a man or a woman is irrelevant in the first instance.

Flip

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.