cant see a way out without losing dc full time

[howtodothis]

Hi..have posted some months back about my dh who can have episodes of losing his temper/being grumpy and blaming me for things which aren't my fault.He is also uncommunicative in general and obstuctive/difficult about arranging things,joint responsibilities etc.Our marriage is over and we are civil and polite at home apart from when he gets moody sulky and grumpy.He is unable to see things from other peoples point of wiew and is selfish.However he bigs himself up at my expense so makes me look in the wrong.
Things will be fine for a while with family life continuing on an even keel,and i had thought to ride it out for the dc...none of whom want to move house or change the status quo.He is very strong minded and manipulates the dc onto his side.
I want to live separately,me with the dc but he will contest this and if i instigate a permanent split,the dc will know it is my choice and i am afraid they will side with their father as they want everything to stay the same....my concern being he will try to stay without me in the house with the dc ...i won't let this happen.
I am unhappy with this man,unhappy with his influence on the dc but can't get a plan to make him move out as he has refused.If I move out i am afraid the dc will not move with me so it seems as if i have to continue on for fear of losing the dc .The dc know he is grumpy but don't think he is bad enough to live separately.
It seems to me the best plan is to put in divorce proceedings and then force him to move out when it comes through...have spoken to solicitor already who says agreement is best but if that is impossible to go for divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour...i just hope this improves things as opposed to making things worse as dc will obviously be looked after by him so will still have his influence,andI won't be there to counteract it ...and the trauma of the split may be worse than the status quo.
TIA

[robberbutton]

How old are your children?

[howtodothis]

20 18 16 and 10

[QuintessentialShadows]

Sorry you feel this way. Two of your children are adults, and will possibly move out soon anyway. Are they in education? Do they work?
What about the 16 year old?

Do you work?
Would it be possible to move out and leave the oldest two at home and take the younger two with you? Do you think the younger would follow if you were to move?

[squeakytoy]

Even if divorced you cant necessarily force someone out of their own home.

What influences does he have on the children that worry you though?

[howtodothis]

two live away in term time at college,two at home.
I work,am happy in that way and have lots of friends.
It is the younger am worried about ..not sure if he would come with me if i went,he is quite close to his dad now and they get on ok though dh spoils holidays and birthdays quite a lot,and sets a bad example by treating me badly

[Tortington]

i think you just have to moe out with your 10 year old - if the 1 yr old wants to come - all well and good.


three of them are adults imo, at some point you have to trust that they will like you as a person.

[Tortington]

why would you gie him a choice?

i wouldn't give a 10 year old a choice - the 10 year old would come with me

[QuintessentialShadows]

At 16 they are old enough to decide where they live. At 10 they dont have a choice. I agree you should move out and take the 10 year old with you. At 16 he can decide to move in with his dad full time should he chose to do so.

[squeakytoy]

I think a 10yr old is entitled to a choice, and may want to stay with his siblings, his dad, and in his own home.

It would be very unfair not to give him a choice in the matter, and would possibly result in making him resentful of his mother if she just uproots him.

[howtodothis]

the older ones do like me as a person!!I know they have respect and love for me no issues there..am very close to them all..just the younger one relies more on dh now than he did as i am now in full time work

[howtodothis]

the issues i have are bad learning about relationships,causing upset when he is moody and difficult and blaming me for it and our marriage is over...so at what point do i make the split..? when youngest is 12,15, at college ? no right time imo so may as well do it now ??

[Tortington]

do it now.

there is no good time.

i left dh once, it never occurred to me to give the twins a choice - they were 13 at the time

[howtodothis]

i think so too custy..
but it is difficult as we are in the house the dc all grew up in... big,comfortable,family house no one wants to leave...and if i leave think i would be worried youngest would just want to carry on the same,here,obv dh would say yes thats fine and thats what would happen..so i would end up the visited parent

[Tortington]

but i would say no. you're coming with me.

no one would get the hosue - in a divorce situation - it would be sold no?

[squeakytoy]

not necessarily

[howtodothis]

yes am coming to think i will have to do that.
not sure whether in divorce setting dcs have a right to stay in own home..

[squeakytoy]

if they are in full time education, the resident parent usually has the right to remain in the family home until the children leave education.

[howtodothis]

its very hard but i think i have decided..the best thing would be to ask dh again to move out...in that way he would have a chance for personal growth and to have a new relationship possibly..and he can have dcs at suitable weeks/weekends...at the very least a trial separation
thank you all so much..any further comments still welcome x