How do you get the empty promises to actually be fulfilled?

[samuelspratt]

Don't know if this is the right area to post but it's a major problem in our relationship.

We have been together 7yrs, lived together 5 and have 3dc (dd1 is 2.5 and dts are 1).
Dp works mon-fri and is out from 7:45am to 6:15pm and has his football on a sat afternoon, I have all 3dc, with all the running around that entails plus I work 4 evenings a week, 6:30pm- midnight.

The problem is the housework which is seems minor but its breeding alot of resentment on my side and bad feeling on both I think. Dp says he doesn't feel like starting cleaning when he gets in from work, so he doesn't unless I've nagged him for weeks about doing something.
I stuggle to get anything done during the day - I get about 1.5hrs while the dc nap but by the time I've cleared up dishes, prepared tea and got myself ready for work they are waking up.
I am turning into a seething mass of anger towards him and I don't know how to change the pattern of us rowing about it, him promising he'll help, nothing happening and then we row again.

If he had respect for what I manage to get done it would make things easier.
I have come home from work, scrubbed the kitchen, gone to bed only to find it an absolute mess with crumbs, butter smears, dirty cups, milk/coffee spills when I go to get the dcs breakfast. I spend time washing & ironing but he takes days to put his laundry away.

I am tired of living in a mess, this doesn't feel like my home and I cannot take another round of empty promises. I feel like checking into a hotel just for the clean,tidy surroundings.

I don't want to be a nag, I just want a partner not another child. I've tried dividing up the chores and having 'set' jobs each week but he forgets which ones are his (he chose what he'd be most likely to do). I've tried putting a list on the wall for him to work from and the old stand by of telling him what needs to be done while I'm at work.

Its getting to the point where I think it'll be easier to split.

[2rebecca]

I don't nag. I would sit down and tell him that either he starts helping or you will be thinking of a separation as you feel more like his slave than his wife.
Say that unless he is willing to agree a share of housework that he will do then you feel he doesn't love and respect you.
Also consider getting a dishwasher or cleaner if affordable, practical.
Nagging another adult is silly. he either does something or he doesn't. If he won't do housework then you have to decide whether or not you want to clean up after this man as well as the kids.

[samuelspratt]

2rebecca, I have tried the calm, rational approach but it gets ignored or he says "can you remind me" which then leads to the nagging. I hate hearing myself but I hate seeing the jobs waiting to be done too.

If we had enough spare cash for a cleaner I would rather drop a shift and do it myself.

[2rebecca]

You have to calmly tell him that if he doesn't start accepting the housework is his problem too not just yours then you feel he doesn't love and appreciate you and think you would be better separating.
It sounds as though at the moment he has no desire to change and so you either accept that you do most of the housework or you decide if you would be happier alone. The other option is to discuss whether you drop a shift to give you time to do the cleaning and then have less money to spend and discuss what to economise on.
I hate housework so would never live with a man who didn't do his share.

[cestlavielife]

get a cleaner and a dishwasher

[samuelspratt]

If we could afford a cleaner then I would have got one years ago. We cannot ecconomise any more than we are doing. I get minimum wage. The dts were a surprise and meant I couldn't go back to my previous job.

The housework is an example of how our relationship is going and I don't know how to change it. How do you break the cycle of arguements and bad habits?

[2rebecca]

By sitting down together and deciding whether or not you want to stay together and if so what each of you needs to see change in the relationship to want to stay with the other person.
Nagging and shouting about housework won't help. A serious quiet chat about how you feel his unwillingness to help with the housework makes you feel unloved and unvalued and that you don't want to stay in a relationship when you feel that way and will leave unless you feel it is more of a partnership will work.
If drawing up a chores rota ensure he agrees with it and it's a joint rota, not something you think up and he has no say in.
Also is it just that you have different attitudes to tidyness? I couldn't live with an obsessively tidy person and would resent it if they tried to make me keep the house spotless.

[WhoKnew2010]

no sage advice but I hear you loud and clear. Am currently trying to figure out whether to split over this (which perhaps inevitably also spills over to all admin, activities and food etc).

I am so tired of arguing. I've tried the rational, lists, threatening, begging and am currently suffering from increasingly bad stress attacks from doing a full-time job and 3 dcs (with gaps in childcare) with so little help.

There is a list which appears every now and again by someone wise that lists the option. For me its currently between lowering standards or splitting. It's incredibly hard, it doesn't seem like something that you should split up over, but it's the lack of partnership that drives me literally, to despair.

I hear you.

[samuelspratt]

I don't think my standards are high though, don't get me wrong, in an ideal world I would be living in a calm, empty minimalist apartment but I realise small children come with alot of crap and have lowered them.
I just want rooms to be clean and tidyish. So I don't go into a panic if the mil is walking up the drive. Atm it feels like Kim and Aggie are due a visit.

We have done the talking, done the "I can't go on like this" etc and I get the "I know, I'll do more" which lasts about a week.

Whoknew glad its not just me, you've hit the nail on the head with the lack of partnership. It feels stupid to say I want to leave over who does the hoovering but it feels much bigger than that when you're living it.

[robberbutton]

It's not about housework though, it's about fundamentals, about both people investing in the relationship. It sounds like he doesn't value what you do, is happy for you to do everything, and takes all you are offering without giving anything in return.

Why does he think it's ok for him to be able to relax in the evenings while you are still working? Currently my H, when he gets in from work, helps me put the kids to bed, then we both do the housework until it's all done and then sit down together. And I'm a SAHM! (3 under 6 though and HE so not much time for hw during the day.)

BUT the only reason H is doing this is because he is trying to make up for having an affair for most of last year- before I found out he was exactly the same as your H, plus took all the money as well :( It was partly his laziness and underinvestment in the relationship which paved the way for the affair in the first place, he wasn't giving anything, he didn't value us so it was easy to discard us :(

I hope you manage to resolve this and get your DP to pull his weight in a different way!

[slug]

Does he need to be reminded to do routine tasks at work? Does he have to be "nagged" (I hate that term) by his boss to do the basics? If not, why does he need to be constantly reminded at home? I just hate the attitude that if they ignore it long enough the woman will do it.

I don't have a lot of advice as I know it's a problem for so many women. The only solution I have come up with is to do a division that works for you. I do all the cleaning in our household (I have very, very low standards, but DH's are even lower than that). DH does most, if not all, of the weekday cooking, all the grocery shopping and all the evening DD/childminder pickups. If I put a load of washing in the machine he will hang it up at the end. We ended up with this compromise after I went back to work and DH took on the role of SAHD. It was a sharp introduction to the sheer slog of childcare.

We found it easier to divide by job rather than by day. So, I don't expect him to do the hoovering or clean the loo, but I expect, when I get home from work, for dinner to be started. You have to be careful if you do it this way that the jobs are routine ones with the same amount of time investment needed. Don't let him get away with the once a week putting out the bins and doing the mowing lark.

[EditedforClarity]

He wants you to remind him? I don't suppose he needs reminding to go ro footie of a weekend? No thought not.

What does he do after the children have gone to bed of an evening and whilst you're at work? I would find tasks that he can do then. The ironing would be a good one, loading the washing machine, clearing up after dinner, cleaning the bath, a short task each evening and he'll still have time to relax. And if he doesn't do them, bite the bullet and do not do them for him.

Do you get time for yourself at all? Sounds like you have a very full-on day and it's bound to make you resentful if he's not pulling his weight.