Is my Mum toxic or just damaged?

[peterpie]

Firstly I am a regular but have name changed for this.

I am so consumed with things that happened in my past, mainly problems between me and my Mum. We did once have a very good relationship but that was many years ago now.

My parents had a very volatile marriage, Dad was a heavy drinker and they got divorced when I was 16. I have had no contact with my Dad since and do not wish to.

My Mum had an affair for years with a much younger man, my Dad knew about it but there were already problems long before this happened. Anyway my Mum got pregnant to the other man and had an abortion. Now I realise it was her right to decide but she took me with her to the clinic and I had to deal with the fallout which was far from pleasant, she became a binge-drinker and very depressed. I was 13 FGS. Is that really something a loving mother would do?

There are lots of other things that I don´t really want to go into, a lot of emotional blackmail eg threatening to kill herself if I left home...needless to say my relationship with my Mother has crumbled and since I had my own children past events are just eating away at me. I cannot understand now that I am a Mum myself how any Mother could do some of the things mine did
Worse still is that she has recently been diagnosed with Alzheimer´s and now I know I will never get the closure, the acknowledgement I need to move on. I wanted to write everything down in a letter but that would be pointless now.

I no longer live in the same country as my Mum but do speak to her and vist her regularly and despite everything I still feel guilty that I am not there to help her, we have no other family but on bad days I wish I could cut all ties with her completely. She can be so nasty and short tempered and not just with me but with my boys and I hate it. Fortunately they are still too young to pick up on it but obviously they won´t be forever.

Sorry if this comes across as a whinge but I find I am having sleepless nights thinking about the past and worrying that I may end up like her, sometimes I find myself saying things that she used to say to me.

How do I move on?

[NotQuiteCockney]

She sounds both toxic and damaged, tbh. Is therapy an option?

Writing it all down in a letter, even if you don't give it to her, sounds like a good idea ...

[AgeingGrace]

No, you're not whingeing and you aren't like her! I say that with confidence, because you're aware of the issues. Your mother can't have been aware or she wouldn't have done it. It's that simple, and that complicated.

Toxic people are damaged. Adults don't choose to deman emotional support from children, or to make people hate them, unless they're coming from an abnormal state of mind.

That's the simple part. The complicated part is that you were the child she leaned on and also the child who was born, pre-programmed, to love and admire her. This does, of course, complicate our feelings - not only about our parents but also about ourselves and the world around us. I'm sorry she has Alzheimer's: it must seem a very bitter blow that she's developed an illness which will make her even more self-obsessed and even less aware of other people's individuality :(

'Closure' comes from within yourself, not from others. It would help you to read about toxic parents, inner child therapy, and if possible to find yourself a therapist to guide you through your process. Good luck :)

[bettyswollocks16]

My Mum had a secret affair with my Boy's Dad. My husband. She got pregnant also, and went and had an abortion secretly. I would have been 16 at the time.

I found out about it years later.

By then, I had my lad at 23, had been married to his father but divorced him because he'd had another child with another woman while I was pregnant, Mum was a doting Granny to my boy by then, so what could I do?

She still doesn't know I know.

My point in posting is..... she's disabled with arthritis, is in a wheelchair, I have to do everything for her as well as holding down a full time job because I'm her only child, no other next of kin. I do it out of duty and expectation that I will through other people's eyes, rather than out of any love for her because I have none, even though she is my Mother.

I've coped through my love for my son, that's all that matters. He's grown up now, he loves his Gran totally, worships her and I'd never tell him what I know and break his heart, I can't.

[AgeingGrace]

Good god, betty :(
Have you ever been able to talk to someone about this?

[bettyswollocks16]

Hi Grace.

No, there's no point.

What will talking to anybody solve?

My lad loves his Gran,he worships her and it all happened before he was born. I have to care for her cos I'm all she's got.

I am fine, thanks anyway. I just get mad when I say I have no love for my Mum, and people say 'but you should, you only get one Mum'........ ok, well, maybe!

[MummieHunnie]

Betty your exh got your mum pregnant and she does not know you know!

I admire you both caring for your parents, I think had something bad not happened in my life to make me look at things, I would have done the same, although in my case probably doing it through feeling I had to and resenting the fact deep down inside of myself. I really don't want to do anything like that not, and feel no duty at all to be a carer for either of my parents when they need it when they get older, they will be the responsibility of social services, or some kind soul who will not realise why on earth their no doubt painted as a dreadfull and selfish daughter will not care for them, and will take them on.

I fell they have taken enough from me and I have given them all I want, this time is now for me and my children, no more for them.

[MummieHunnie]

Betty, the people who say that to you, you could say to them, lucky you to have been treated so well by your Mum that you feel that way towards her.

[bettyswollocks16]

Hi Mummie ( we have spoken before, I was Under The Radar a while ago )

Yep, he did and yep, she doesn't know I know.

She broke her leg last year falling out of her wheelchair, don't talk to me about SS!!!

At one point when she was in respite care, I was asked by a newbie numpty young trainee SW 'Why can't you give up your job and have your Mother at home and look after her, you can have a bed in your lounge can't you?' despite the fact she's 16 stone, is immobile and was having to be hoisted out of bed at the time with a mechanical winch thing just to be put on the commode!

I raised an eyebrow, turned and looked at her Manager who was there and said 'I'm a single Mum, my boy comes first and I need to work to provide a living for us two, is she bloody serious' to which he said 'she is new!'......... like that helped!

[bettyswollocks16]

Anyway, for what it's worth, I'm happy with someone else since then, totally & utterly and have moved on.

Mother is my duty, he knows everything, is supportive all the time, he loved his own Mum without question, she never did him any wrong ever but she died when he was 17 and we're both 42 now.

He doesn't judge me for having no feelings for mine & helps me with her all the same.

He's lovely, as is my boy, they're my 'rocks'.

[AgeingGrace]

No, okay, you have talked to someone - DH :)
What a dozy care worker! The NERVE!!

I wouldn't do it. My mother knows this. I'm not going to say I admire you for that, Betty, but I do admire that you've set your priorities and your support in place. x

[bettyswollocks16]

Grace.... sorry, by 'talked to someone' I thought you meant counselling services or whatever!

Whoops!

Yeah, they were a bit thick to say the least. The Manager man knew what I was saying by his reaction, I found it quite amusing actually!

What I do know is that if I ever did have to be her full time carer, I so couldn't do it. I had a chat with him on his own after & said 'look, whether she's my Mother or not, if I'd ever wanted to be an old people's carer I'd have chosen it as a career and put it on my CV.......'

As it is, I love my job which is absolutely nothing to do with that!



Don't admire me for anything,I do what I have to (and no more) that's all. Thanks tho XX

[GettinganIcyGrip]

hello Betty

I found your answers interesting on this thread. That's how I feel about my mother, and I have never heard anyone else say these things.

In a nutshell, my father was abusive and violent, and my mother I now know not just stood by, but encouraged him. My F is dead, but my mother is now very elderly, and I have no love for her whatsoever, but I do my duty by her.

Apart from threatening her when she tried to turn my own children against me, I have never discussed my childhood with her. There is no point I feel. She just denies or turns on the tears like a two year old, or tells lies.

She broke her leg a while ago and SS was a joke. She kept telling me that she didn't wan my help she would pay someone, but there was no-one to pay either!

So she came to the realisation that she needs me now more than I need her. She doesn't like that!

It makes you hard inside though.

[peterpie]

Thank you all

NQC and Grace - I have thought about seeing a therapist but I wasn´t sure if it was me being over sensitive, what I mean is I know there are plenty of other people out there who have had a worse time...
and yes NQC I think I will write the letter

"I'm sorry she has Alzheimer's: it must seem a very bitter blow that she's developed an illness which will make her even more self-obsessed and even less aware of other people's individuality"
You hit the nail on the head here Grace, I have realised that she is self-obsessed and has been for years, long before the illness that is. She has a way of turning it around though, makes out she is oh so concerned about other people when really she is judgemental and totally shallow, its always all about her really though

betty - that is a terrible thing to happen I take my hat off to you for looking after her.

She phoned my this afternoon. I usually phone her everyday but just couldn´t face it the last two days. Her opening line was "Where have you been" she said it curtly of course. When I asked what she meant she did her usual and told me she was worried somthing had happened. This is something she does often, she isn´t really worried at all, it turned out she was worried as her TV had gone on the blink and she didn´t know what to do. Argh, those words and the tone she uses does somthing to me that I can´t even explain - hate it

[Eurostar]

Unfortunately Peter part of the symptoms of Alzheimers is often grumpy irritated behaviour so to be fair part of it is not her fault. It's something to do with the Alzehimers attacking the part of brain early on that controls emotions/moods. Maybe she even had been developing this for quite some time? However taking you to the clinic age 13 does sound damaged and toxic on her behalf.

People often say that getting forgetful and getting grumpy is part of old age - it isn't normal actually and are typical early signs of the disease.

[peterpie]

Yes Eurostar you are right and this side of her personality seems to have become excacerbated since the onset of the illness
I have wondered also if she has indeed been developing symptoms for a while...she did and said some very strange and hurtful things when I got pregnant and that was back in 2006.
The difficulty for me is knowing how much of it I can attribute to the illness being that she has always been critical, judgmental of others, even bigoted.
I just wish I was able to rise above it and not let it have such an impact on my daily life

[NameChange4This]

(((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))) for all that need them today - and that includes me.

I suffer badly from depression and this morning could not settle back to sleep when I woke with a cough, so I came online and have been reading the threads.

My mother was a lovely lady but my father was another kettle of fish. If you said something was white he would swear blind it was black etc .... what really bothers me is sometimes I feel as though I'm morphing into him and it absolutely terrifies me.

I have been on my own for 20+ years whilst bringing up my family but I do not feel I have missed out on anything (except all the arguments I hear about on here I would absolutely hate it if my children ended up hating me the way i despised my father (he also was one that thought it was everyones duty to run after him when he was not fit to do it himself).

Sorry if I've hijacked a little bit of your thread peterpie but maybe I'll feel a bit better now that I've put that down on paper so to speak.

Hope everyone has a good weekend.

[QueenofWhatever]

Peterpie, your Mum sounds similar to mine. I cut all contact when I was 27 and am now 41. One of the best things I have ever done and I've never regretted it. It took me over two years to actually make the decision (this book was enormously helpful).

My mother also made me the adult caretaker as a young teenager and I think this can be very damaging to girls at that age. There is a real taboo about cutting the mother-daughter relationship. Until Mumsnet actually, I'd only ever met two people who'd done similar things. I would recommend being selfish.