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Relationships

Help with impotence...

5 replies

morecheese · 09/02/2011 09:49

This is long - sorry - but the wisdom of mumsnet is much-needed.

DH and I have been together for many years and are lucky enough now to have 2 DC (both under 5). I suffered with PND after DC2, but am feeling much happier these days and am putting a lot of effort into maintaining this.

The last few years have definitely taken their toll on our relationship / marriage though - partly strain of young babies, me being miserable, not paying each other enough attention etc... Am trying hard to make sure we do pay each other more attention (get a babysitter every few weeks).

But a big big part of the ongoing problem for me is that our sex life is non-existent. DH suffered from impotence when we were TTC DC2. Since we had DC2 (over a year ago), we haven't had sex AT ALL. I've made advances (!) but DH is still having problems with impotence and he seems to have no sex drive at all.

I'm trying to get him to go to get help from the doctor about this (and I'm sure there are wider issues) but he seems really reluctant to do this. I'm getting increasingly hurt by this - I really miss having a sex life and I feel like there must be something wrong with me - that my DH no longer finds me desirable. After having 2 babies, my body has changed of course, and I want to know that I am still sexy and not just there for washing pants, changing nappies and so on.

So WWYD? All advice would be welcome (this is my first post - be gentle, be wise). Grin

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AnotherMumOnHere · 09/02/2011 13:10

I think a visit to the docs is really required to investigate if there is another underlying problem such as diabetis. Its not just overweight people that suffer this illness.

Apart from that I think prolonged foreplay is good too. A little clue for a hint is get a good vibrator - not anything like the 'rabbit' or anything like that. Ann Summers vibes are usually the best. You can do loads with the vibe and place it at the tip of his c**k and keep it there and if you like oral give him a little suck too.

This usually works wonders. Hope it helps.

Oh and BTW - put good batteries in the vibe - cheap batteries just dont cut it and can turn the experience into a bad one.

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QueenStromba · 09/02/2011 13:49

Have you talked to him about it? Do you know if he gets erections at all? How was your sex life before you were TTC DC2? Having to perform because you were ovulating might have just put him under a lot of pressure. When my DP and I first got together he had performance anxiety and I spent a long time reading men's internet forums on the subject and they all said that once they couldn't get or maintain an erection the first time they'd worry that it would happen then next time and it became a self fulfilling prophecy.

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morecheese · 09/02/2011 18:47

Thanks AMOH and QS. Sorry haven't been able to get back to thread for a while.

Good advice from both of you. Problems definitely started while TTC DC2 and yes DH was definitely experiencing performance anxiety. I tried to be laid back about it but occasionally cracked. Turkey baster was an appealing option.

I guess I'm worried that the longer this goes on, the more of an issue it will become for us and the harder it will get to 'solve'.

Good vibrator tips! God that seems so far away now. Right am going to get proactive (but not controlling!)

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QueenStromba · 10/02/2011 00:54

My advice is don't try to jump him it will only make it worse. You should try to talk about it with him in a situation where it's obvious that you aren't expecting sex there an then. Tell him that you would like to have sex but that you understand that he's probably built it up in his head to be a big issue. Ask him if he'd be willing to try playing with each other a couple of nights a week with sex off the table and say that if sex does happen it will be when he decides to do it. This is going to be a bit tough for you but you have to let him be completely in control of what happens so even if you are lying there and all you want is for him to fuck you, you have to let him make the choice. You need a couple of weeks of getting to know each other physically again. If it gets to the point where he does get an erection but doesn't get hard enough or stay hard then a cock ring will probably solve the problem. The first time we had sex was with thanks to a cock ring and we haven't had to use it since (I spent a tenner on the thing and it was definitely worth it - it would have taken us a lot longer without it).

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bettyswollocks16 · 10/02/2011 01:12

morecheese - you and DH need to be totally open and honest with each other here.

Forget trying to have sex for now, or even touching him in that respect. Forget false aids and Ann Summers products too, for now.

Can he get an erection by himself? Does he satisfy himself on his own? If yes, it's not a problem in that area.

If he can admit to you he does (and all men do, but most won't admit it!) it's a starting point. Performance anxiety is terrible, but you can 'undo' it together.

Ask him, next time, if he'd mind you being there - in bed, or wherever. If he says no, take it from there............ Wink

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