I Want to Leave My Husband But Don't Know if I'm Strong Enough

[01marysamson]

I have attempted on multiple occasions to talk to my husband about how miserable our relationship is making me (and seems to be making him) but every time he either changes the subject or tries to make excuses for his behavior. I feel like he is a mean roommate more than a husband...we have only been married for two years and we fight at least twice a week..over basically nothing. We have no love life and we barely speak. If I try to hug him or kiss him he pushes me away and he rarely does anything but play video games and go to work. I work as well, so when I am home I try to make the most of what little time we have together. Over Christmas, I felt we had made a breakthrough..we both admitted we had been considering a divorce and we were able to explain what was bothering us. I felt like that was a bright spot, and an indicator that things were going to change, but it has only gotten worse. I feel like I am running out of steam. He argued with me tonight and told me I wasn't intelligent enough to do my job, and that I was "making a joke out of it." That really hurt me and I told him as much and he proceeded to rip into me and bully me like he normally does and I finally just told him I didn't want to be with him anymore. He didn't say anything and just went into the other room and went to sleep and I have no idea what to do. I have been considering leaving him for nearly 9 months and I wake up in a cold sweat considering having a child with this man. He has control over ALL of our money and he has isolated me from all of my friends and my family lives 10 hours away. He listens into all of my phone conversations, so I can't discuss this with anyone. I feel like I am drowning and I have no idea how to begin leaving him.

[jabberwocky]

My first marriage had similar problems. I am sooo glad that I left before we had children together. I was able to leave and never look back. The best decision I ever made. I had many years of being single. I traveled, went out with friends, did yoga, bellydanced

Now married with two lovely dcs and my only regret is that I didn't leave ex-h sooner. You can do this. Take a bit of time to collect yourself in regards to the actual "doing" part of packing, where to go, etc. and then just leave. You can tie up the loose ends when you are away from his toxic influence.

[ChangeIsComing]

I am kind of in the same boat as you, trying to summon up the courage/get enough leverage to be convinced its the right thing to do. I am half way through reading Lundy Bancrofts' "Why does he do that?" and its helping me enormously. Its giving me more and more of that cold sweat feeling you described, but I think that is what it is going to take for me to make the big move.

[waterrat]

Your situations sounds really unhappy - you can leave and there are ways out. Do you work during the day? can you speak to your family and friends then?

Can you make an arrangement to see your family and whoever it is you trust without him there and make a real action plan to get out? Could you go back to visit them?

Your husband ticks many boxes of seriously abusive men - controlling your access to money and your family in particular.

I promise you - you don't need to spend the rest of your life without love and affection. It does not have to be like this.

Womens Aid is a freephone number - could you call them from a friends/ from work? If not, a payphone.
If you haven't had children , you can make a complete break from him - I agree with the advice above. Just get out and tie up loose ends later.

What would you need to get to your family? How about getting a bit of extra cash on the shopping as cashback then just getting on a train to them - dont worry about your stuff, someone can help you come back and get it.

[RudeEnglishLady]

Hi Mary

I never usually comment on these types of thread but I wanted to show support especially in light of that comment about listening to your husband more. Think that poster is having a little joke maybe?

Your situation sounds utterly miserable and its outrageous that even though you work, he is controlling the money. My first port of call would be to file for divorce for unreasonable behaviour. If he's just really stupid and not listening to you then this will be a massive wake up call and things should get on the road to recovery. If he is just a massive sh*t then you are one step closer to getting away from him and starting your new brilliant life.

Chin up! My first serious relationship was crap. I moved on, learnt from it and now have the relationship and life I want. We all can! Sorry if that sounds a bit simplistic but I really believe it boils down to simple things.

[waterrat]

lexidexi go find somewhere else to annoy people.

[RudeEnglishLady]

Yes, I think Lexi might find that this is an example of one of those times when she "was just being stupid".

[jabberwocky]

Is lexie a regular troll or just one who comes out occasionally? I tend to stay with one or two long-time threads for the most part so have lost track.

OP and Change, you both sound caught in miserable situations with controlling men. With no dcs it is much easier to get away and find yourself again. Stay focused and don't lose your confidence in your ability to take charge of your life. Men like this do NOT get better.

[Mymblesson]

LexieDexieM you seem busy today. All over the place like a rash. Why don't you be a love and just fuck off?

[needsatrim]

FFS Lexie. Go away.
Mary it does sound as if this man has some of the traits of an abuser. Just because it isn't physical it doesn't do any less damage.
You need to get out and then maybe you can think straight and put it all into perspective.Don't hang around as he will only chip away at your resolve and confidence.
Get in touch with womens aid, please.

[MarionBlige]

I must say, after all of these responses it will be interesting to see what you will do Mary. I have a different take on the other hand as I am still with my first husband and we have kids now. I remember there being a few years where things were incredibly difficult. I continued to pray and many times I thought I couldn't go on. He did change in many ways over time but it broke me down a lot. I don't know your specific situation or if there is any abuse going on (there was none in this situation). In the end I believe it was worth it.

[Jux]

Change the account your salary gets paid into. Open a new account at a bank near your work, tell your accounts department the new details, ask the bank to send everything to your address at work.

Then:

Get out. You have no kids. Just get out. Please. Things will only get worse. Get out, and get out now.

Women's Aid. Please.

[RudeEnglishLady]

Yes - Jux is right. Getting a new bank account and sorting it out with work is job number 1. No matter whether you stay / go / whatever. You have to have your money. I'm just slightly concerned about what his response to this will be. Thats why womens aid would be good in case you have to escape the house quickly.

One thing, at least you are married, so you will be able to get what is yours from your house and savings. He can't just scare you away and keep everything.

[kepler10b]

set up your own account and have your salary paid into it.

do you have any joint interests like mortgage together?

book a weekend to go and visit your closest friends and family.

find a decent solictor and ask how you file for a divorce and what you can expect.

any problems you can't think of a way around yourself there will be someone here who has been there done that.

be strong. you have the rest of your life ahead of you. you made a mistake with your marriage. don't make a mistake of hoping the problem will just go away on its own.

[lint]

kepler10b is so right. You have the rest of your life ahead of you. You can be strong, just get out and do it, but plan carefully to make sure it is possible. Get the bank account sorted straight away so you can leave when you want to, not when you have to. I think guys like this don't change so don't kid yourself it will get better.