I just snooped on Dh's phone......

[doodledoogle]

I have posted before wrt paranoia, DH wore aftershave one day to work randomly, has not before has not since.

Couldn't put my finger on it something did not seem right. Anyway, don't ask me why I checked his phone tonight.

Never have done before and no he is not secretive with it at all. It's an I phone, I for some reason looked under searched locations. The usual work, new address from when we moved, local shop, services, then a residential street, lets call it in X town.

We have never been to x town, have no reason to go to x town at all.

Way back when I had DC, I found out he'd been looking up two women when I was in hospital on facebook. Nothing suspicious, but I was hurt, as I was in hospital and I did wonder why he'd go looking for these 2 women in particular. These women I later found were kind of his on the scene, fall backs in the start of the relationship, although nothing happened when we were together, he kept them onside for a while . He was curious to see how they were doing.

He was younger, it was early on, I could see past this if we had 100% transparency. I thought we did as much as I could. Problem is he has a works email which I could never have access to, one of these women works in the same industry and company so would be able to internally email him.

She happens to work, I know this for a fact, 9 miles from this residential street he has pinned on his phone, which we would have or he no reason to go near. He would not have to go there for his job, if he needs to travel to another location he goes in the opposite direction. He would never be designated to the office in X town. This is quite far away too.

I asked him, he became very aggresive and defensive, denied knowing where x town is, then said one of the kids must have looked it up.

So what is going on, he lost his temper and is now stonewalling me. What would you think in this situation, honestly?

[BelleDameSansMerci]

Oh I'm sorry. It really does sound as if he's hiding something. It may not be as bad as you are probably imagining but his behaviour/reaction is very telling.

[OhForBoonessSake]

only you know if his reaction was a guilty one. only you know if the kids could hav elooked up that adress and whether it i feasible that they did and why (friends adress?) we dont know him so we cant say.

but if you think he is lying then you need to decide either to accept this and carry on as normal knowing he is lying. or refuse to let it drop until he tells you what is going on. i would do the latter. i have done the former and it didn't stop teh lies.

[h20]

Google the address?

[CockularDepravity]

The fact that you're snooping and seem unaware of privacy boundaries suggests to me that the relationship is rocky at best. I'm not surprised he's ignoring you.

[doodledoogle]

I'd agree CD, thanks.

Nothing on google, it's a small residential street which happens to be in X town.

I however won't be made to feel bad for snooping. I haven't done it before, but something just hasn't felt right. Going on his reaction I was right to snoop, I think. We shall see.

He hasn't reacted about me snooping, but about what I found which says a lot to me truthfully. I'd expect it to be the other way around.

[TimeToStartACHEEKYDiet]

was there anything in messages, facebook, twitter etc etc.....

[maltesers]

I smell a rat TBh. . .keep checking.

[AnyFucker]

His reaction sounds like one of guilt

But why are you so suspicious in the first
place

Does he have form other that what you have already said ?

Looking someone up on FB isn't cheating unless he has cheated ?

[MrSpoc]

hang on you went snooping and he got angry at you.

What do you expect? if he went snooping on you how would you feel?

You have already said that he is not secretive with his phone. if he had something to hide he would not let you any where near his phone.

I sometimes where aftershave and sometimes do not. I do not have a set patern just depends how i feel. Does this mean Iam cheating?

[cornflowers]

Personally, I google all sorts of random things when I'm supposed to be working bored, and have also been known to look up various exboyfriends men on Facebook, just out of curiosity really, with no intention of even adding them as friends, let alone having an affair with them. No doubt if my dh were the suspicious sort (he isn't) and were to scrutinise my google history (he wouldn't) there'd be enough fodder for a full-scale paranoid crisis.
I'm not secretive about my search history because because there's nothing nefarious about my random searches...similarly, the fact that your dh isn't secretive about his phone suggests he probably has nothing to hide.

[unpsychicsally]

No if you went snooping and there was nothing to hide and nothing to find then why would he be angry?

If someone went snooping on my phone and found an address and confronted me about it and I didn't know about it I would shrug my shoulders and say "I don't know, I must have done something by mistake", I certainly wouldn't have gone mad and if they asked me if it was someone I used to know or go out with and it wasn't I would just say "no, not at all" not go mad or get angry.

It seems a strange reaction to me.

[unpsychicsally]

I agree Cornflowers, I too look up some random shit on the pc and if I was asked about it I would more than likely give an embarrassed giggle but not be angry.

But yes if someone was looking through my history on my pc, they would think I was a right weirdo (google earth - especially when wondering what the houses of the people on my christmas card list look like) with a compulsive online shopping addiction.

[cornflowers]

Well whether or not the dh was justified in getting angry depends entirely on how the op asked the question, tbh.

[unpsychicsally]

Yes, very true conflowers!

[JazzieJeff]

My DH wears aftershave to work every day

He could've looked up that address for any number of reasons; he used to live there or knows someone who lives there as child and wants to look at what the house looks like now, he saw a house on that street on the market, there could be a florist/resaurant there and he wants to take you/treat you; it is Valentines Day next week? I'd get cross if I was accused of something of which I was totally innocent, too.

I'm not saying you're being silly; it's always good to be aware of what's normal and what's not, but I'm not sure that this is evidence of cheating, tbh.

[waterrat]

I think the problem here is that these clearly are not signs of cheating - but you feel insecure and presumably unloved?

There is another thread at the moment about trust and jealousy and trust issues .. It's called ex girlfriends and irrational jealousy have a look at it.

What is the background to your mistrust? These incidents are absolutely not on their own signs of cheating.

[AbsentFather]

You need to put some key logging software on any shared pcs in the home and then access his emails using his passwords.....

The things you can learn through reading your partner/ex partners last years worth of emails are invaluable.

All those questions you can never get answers for are suddenly all answered without the need to plead with them for the information

[AnyFucker]

Yes, do what AbsentFather said if you have totally taken leave of your senses and/or want your marriage to be finished immediately

[AbsentFather]

True but when the marriage is then over you get to stay one step ahead in the courts by knowing exactly what the solicitor and ex are planning and where they perceive the strengths and weaknesses lie.

Its immoral but at least you know what information that you gave to your partner in confidence is being passed on to her barrister in an attempt to rile you in court.

[AnyFucker]

Absentfather, your bad experiences at the hands of a woman are well documented on MN and probably explain a few things about your posts

However, I am not sure why you are projecting them onto this thread

[AbsentFather]

There is nothing wrong in snooping. The other party should not have anything they need to hide.

And it is just the one bad experience with one woman in 36 years. All other women I have known I am thankful for.

[ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak]

I would, quite calmly, tell him that you are worried if it's one of the children, so you are going to drop by the house and see who lives there

[doodledoogle]

He was talking to this x. Got her new address and was going to visit. I'm getting more and more information as time progresses.

That's why I haven't been back. Things aren't good right now. One minute he hadn't been there, then he had. My instincts have been pretty much spot on it would seem. Same old story he didn't feel close enough and we'd grown apart.

Thankyou for your opinions, but I wasn't so paranoid after all. Another day of him avoiding things and drip feeding. Marvellous.

[ThePosieParker]

Snooping is fine if you suspect something, imo.