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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Obviously need to take a long hard look at myself

40 replies

TabithaSilver · 03/02/2011 21:47

because it would seem I am not very popular at all. But I need help and advice. There've been a few incidents that just make me think I must be a nasty piece of work. I just feel miserable about it.

I've got three sils. None of whom really talk to me, one of whom has been actively rude to me. When I say they don't really talk to me, I mean if I call up to speak to one of my brothers, they'll just give me the standard, "Yep, fine thanks. Want to to talk to XXX? Bye." This is itself is fine, I guess. I mean, not everybody can like you but it's a bit hurtful.

The one who is rude to me has always been snippy but I just thought she was stressed. But at her wedding, she actively blanked me throughout. Not that I was expecting attention on someone else's wedding day but a "Hello, nice to see you," would have been nice. But she actively turned away every time I approached her to give congratulations.

It was then that I realised (I must be thick skinned!) that she really doesn't like me. I felt very low about this as I'd always done my best to be friendly, hospitable, generous etc. Her Facebook page is set to allow me and dh to only see her name, work place etc. Why she wanted to be FB friends, I've no idea.

I wish I had the balls just to delete her as a friend on FB because she's not a friend and then tell her that I don't like her, I think she's rude etc but I think this would just cause unnecessary ructions in the family. But why do I care? Our family isn't exactly close so why would I care? I think I need to grow a pair.

Anyway, so that's one area that I'm down about.

Another friend has totally deleted me from her contacts and FB because I told her she shouldn't lecture me about a relationship that is suffocating and has had a strongly negative effect on my marriage. Obviously, it's my mil. But I couldn't believe my friend has had such a strong response to my telling her she doesn't know what she's talking about.

I sound teenage talking about messaging and FB - I'm 30. But the fact is that these tools are great for brief contact, updating photos etc but they're also really powerful in terms of passively-aggressively hurting people.

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Thingumy · 03/02/2011 21:50

What does your dh say about his sisters and their behaviour towards you?

TabithaSilver · 03/02/2011 21:51

They're my brothers wives.

Dh thinks one is just dull, the other is weird, nervy and highly strung. He thinks the rude one has been out of order to me but she's never been rude to him so he's not going to take offence.

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RealityIsKnockedUp · 03/02/2011 21:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nutkins · 03/02/2011 21:56

TS you sound really down on yourself. Family's are always complicated and it is OK to love, but not like your family. I am not a user of facebook for the very reasons you list here. I know all about the people who love me by talking to them, any incidental news about friends I can pick up eventually, by talking!

It is always helpful to have a good luck at yourself... but not to be destructive... to be positive. What have you learned from all of this????

TabithaSilver · 03/02/2011 21:58

Yes, the thing is that I would love to really not have anything at all to do with them. I don't think she's a nice person either. I'd just rather not see her or any of them at all. I hate the fake smiles at birthdays, Christmas etc.

I've tried to fade from view but one brother or another pops up. I'm just not bothered to keep in touch. There's never been any closeness with my brothers anyway - so why does the sil thing bother me? I don't know.

I just want to lose touch with them all because I do get upset after we all meet when they've been rude, indifferent or whatever. Why I get upset, I don't know. It's daft. There is nothing +ve in our relationships and I'd just like to let them totally go. I don't want to flounce or make a scene - just gently disappear from their lives.

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shabby7 · 03/02/2011 22:03

I would have to say something to the Bitchy SIL - but that is just me. She is a bitch and should not get away with being crappy to you just because she is married to your brother.

And I wouldn't let her bother you - you don't like her anyway, so don't let her get to you.

HerBeX · 03/02/2011 22:05

What is your relationship like with your brothers?

And your parents?

TabithaSilver · 03/02/2011 22:09

I have a very good and honest relationship with my parents. They're divorced but we have taken both on holiday with us at different times - just to say I get on with them. So does dh.

My dad has said he has felt sil's rudeness on a couple of occasions but he's not one to really bother about it. He also heard her being exasperated and rude to his bil and wife on the 'phone when they couldn't find her house.

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Thingumy · 03/02/2011 22:10

Similar experience of SIL here.

My dh's sister's don't have much to do with us.

Both have issues with their husbands (drug taking,abusive,money issues etc) and I for one, have been vocal about these issues in the past and now they don't haven't called to speak to me in over 4 years.I guess I got near to the knuckle and they didn't want to listen.

I'm not guilty of anything other than stating facts.

One hasn't spoken to dh since her wedding (5 years ago) because she knew he didn't approve and didn't like her being used and treated like shit but he always supported her and loved her as his sister.She decided to isolate herself and cut dh off.Her issue,not dh's.

Have you asked them directly if you have upset them in any way instead of thinking you are the one in the wrong?

TabithaSilver · 03/02/2011 22:11

My relationship with my brothers is very distant.

My parents divorce was bitter and it set us all against each other. We've never been close apart from when we started to have children. That seemed to bring us closer, well, at least act civilly and even warmly (from one brother who showed an active interest) and wanting to give our children the chance to know their cousins and I know for a fact none of us have allowed the kind of enmity to grow between our children that was there between my brothers and I when we were growing up.

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HerBeX · 03/02/2011 22:13

Could your brothers have been talking about that growing up enmity with their wives, thus causing wives to have ill feeling towards you?

TabithaSilver · 03/02/2011 22:23

They could have, I guess.

I know the 'dull' sil doesn't like the nervy one. The nervy one doesn't like the bitchy one. I hear all this through my brothers. We speak sporadically.

What I really want to do is delete bitchy sil on FB. When she asks why, I then say, "Because I don't like you and you are not my friend." And then I'm gone. Or is that passive aggressive too? I just feel like she's taken the piss and I've sucked it up.

I don't want to see people who are either rude or indifferent whether we're related or not.

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Thingumy · 03/02/2011 22:25

Just delete them and say nothing.

Rise above it ALL.

TabithaSilver · 03/02/2011 22:37

Yeah but if I delete them then that'll create a scene, won't it? I'm sure sil will contact me, demanding to know why I've done that.

I just feel weak, like people think they can be rude and I won't do anything about it. I can't think what to do about it without coming across as hysterical, needy and ott to those people I do care about.

One thing sil has on her FB page is, "Smile at the bitch who hates you because it'll make her hate you even more."

I was just amazed at this statement. Not that it was necessarily directed at me but I just felt it was a vile sentiment and typical of her.

I'm sure they don't waste any time thinking about me. So why am I bothered? Why? It's mental. Because I feel like I'm allowing rudeness etc to happen to me.

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Thingumy · 03/02/2011 22:42

Why do you think that your SIL is directing all venomous facebook updates towards you?

Thingumy · 03/02/2011 22:47

Ignore my last post as I'e reread and you don't think she's directing it you wholly.

If you read something that upsets you or makes you feel hurt/angry,do you feel that it's a positive thing to keep reading?

If you deleted this person who updates profiles that are full of venom,would it be a negative thing? Would your life be worse or better for it?

TabithaSilver · 03/02/2011 22:49

I just feel like I'll've asserted myself and said, "I don't like you. I don't have to put up with your unpleasantness. I won't put up with your unpleasantness. Let's agree not to bother each other at all. Good bye."

But then my children won't get to know their cousins.

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CDMforever · 03/02/2011 22:51

You sound very much like me!
I used to always worry loads about people who I thought didn't like me or were being horrible to me (they usually weren't) and the trouble is, it becomes an obsession where you read into everything the person says or does.
Basically loads and loads of negative energy burning up.
As I read on MN yesterday "hatred never comes from a place of contentment".
What I'm trying to say is concentrate on whats good in your life. From what you've said you only have to see the SILs at family do's so just grin and bear it.
Always be civil, never be overly friendly (there's no real point) and just move the whole SIL problem into a box marked "really not that important".

bubblewrapped · 03/02/2011 22:54

She isnt your friend, and she treats you like shit. So why have her on Facebook?

She is just your brothers wife. Be civil to her at social events, and leave it at that. You dont owe her anything.

Dump her off facebook. If she is anything like my ex-stepdaughter it will take her a year to notice.

WimpleOfTheBallet · 03/02/2011 22:57

Is it possible that your brothers have married weirdly similar women? I don't get on with my SIL at all...when I was in her country with DH and ou 2 month old baby...she offered me NO support. Never came round in the day to visit me despite me having a newborn in aforeign country and no female friends or rlatives apart from her.

I see that with it happening mre than once you might bea bt but familes DO have a habit of going for similar types.

TabithaSilver · 03/02/2011 23:01

They're not at all similar, I'd say apart from they're all intelligent women who are strong personalities in their own way.

I've defriended bitchy sil. If she contacts me about it, I'll just say we're not friends and as her page has heavy privacy limits from me, there's not much point, is there?

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Thingumy · 03/02/2011 23:08

'I'll just say we're not friends and as her page has heavy privacy limits from me'

I personally wouldn't say this.You are opening yourself up to receive negative and a likely arsey response because you have declared that you don't see her as a 'friend'.

I would say 'well I see no point in being your facebook contact when we can talk on the phone about family occasions and the such like'

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PercyPigPie · 03/02/2011 23:12

'But then my children won't get to know their cousins' - no, they won't get to know their cousins. But they will get to know that it is not expected to have a superficial relationship with someone who is nasty to you.

I deleted my SIL a few months ago. She is a nighmare and a horrible influence on my extended and immediate family. BEST thing I ever did.

nje3006 · 04/02/2011 10:49

I would just delete her from FB and not worry about it. She may not even know you've deleted her but if she does and asks you, just say as Thingumy says that she had set her privacy levels so high that it didn't seem worth being in FB contact and you'd rather catch up on the phone or in person.

TabithaSilver · 04/02/2011 11:59

But I don't want contact with her at all. Or any of them. It's just so grey, negative and nothing to look forward to for me.

I mean, I organise and pay for a little tea party in a lovely NT cafe place up where they all live (200 miles away) for my dcs birthdays, thinking it would be nice for the cousins to get together. They all turn up but are so gruff, unenthused and joyless, I come away thinking, "Just what was the point of that?" Do they feel obliged to come? I shouldn't have bothered and I won't bother anymore.

Is it indulgent just to think, "Sod this. There's nothing positive going on here. I actually get pissed off. I'd rather not bother with any of you." And if any of them contact me again, just not to respond?

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