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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

DP does not love our Son

27 replies

Orchidlady · 31/01/2011 10:47

Don't know where to start really this is a bit complicated. Going through a terrible time with my DP but I really think this is the end. We have been rowing for weeks but this weekend 2 things happened that have left me angry, upset, enraged and so desperately sad. Firstly I overheard my DP asking our DS1 ( who is 19) to get him some cannabis, I know I was not meant to hear this but I did, I went completely mad, he said it was not for him and when I asked who is was for he said it was none of my business and I was a being a complete control freak ( his favourite insult right now) He just could not see that this is not giving a responsible parenting message to our son who smokes too much and just WRONG WRONG WRONG on so many levels. Secondly he came home from work on Saturday lunch time stinking of booze, when I asked if he had been drinking he completed denied it ( he must think I am stupid). Anyway to cut a long story he managed to get completely pissed and was staggering around incoherently, the worst of all was this was in front of our 10 year old .God it was humiliating, he was also very nasty to us both, poor kid. He then wakes on yesterday and carries on as if nothing has happened. Anyway things came to a head last night, another blazing row. this time though he told me he was suicidal ( which he denied 10 minutes later) but worst of all he hates being a father and does not love our son. . We have been together for 17 years and 11 years ago I told he that if he did not want a child with me then should split up as the old biological clock was ticking he agreed our DS was born, but he is still blaming me saying I have ruined his life by making him a father, god this is pathetic. sorry I rambling but I just need some ideas how to deal with this. Just not thinking straight. I actually think he is losing the plot

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humanheart · 31/01/2011 11:43

not sure of all the history, but things do sound very painful and in crisis at the mo.

definitely need some Relate (eg) intervention to make some sense of all this re the history, particularly as he is making some very strong statements. I'd also say that, having a dear son who is into the vile weed in quite a big way, it completely changes the user's character, making them extremely aggressive, unreasonable, abusive and depressed. i loathe the stuff as it destroys relationships imo. I personally think that if he is on the vile weed he is very probably losing the plot. ds was also suicidal when he was on it constantly.

has dp had a problem with drink recently, or is this longstanding? he's not making a lot of sense from what you're saying but I think you do need to get into some counselling sooner rather than later as things are at a pitch - you need a ref apart from anything, a place to safely explore the explosive issues here.

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PepperMoonchild · 31/01/2011 11:47

I think you need to protect your sons from hurt and get away from this man. How soul destroying would it be for your son to hear that, you can work on your relationship later if you think it's worth it but think of your sons first.

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Orchidlady · 31/01/2011 11:56

Humanheart, you are so right about the weed, bloody hateful stuff, which why I was so mad about DP asking for some. Seems so immature. What is wrong with him!!! A bit of history, dp has always had a dependancy problem whether it be drugs or alcohol sometimes under control and sometime not, Now is not a good time, (financial problems). I need to get my head around the " I not love me son", does he mean in? or going into self distruct mode. Yes he/we need counselling but he won't go.

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Orchidlady · 31/01/2011 12:00

PepperMoonchild, you of course are absolutely right DS comes first. Just trying to get my head around all this. I am always giving him hugs and telling him how much I love him and making him feel safe. I think child a very preceptive though, because only yesterday when I told him I loved him, he replied Daddy does aswell,it's breaking my heart.

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Bertina · 31/01/2011 12:02

He is behaving abominably, cruelly, illegally (ffs what if your ds was caught and arrested? At 19 the repercussion on the rest of his life would be massive), and hatefully. tbh you wouldn't see me for dust - I would start by seeking help from the CAB and possibly a solicitor; I can't see how this is a good environment in which to raise a child.

That said, i can appreciate how impossible it can seem to leave someone - not least because, as is your case, because of the financial commitments you may have.

What a horrible situation for you to be in. Everyone deserves happiness - do you see a way of finding it in the near future? Perhaps even some time apart from you will wake your dp up to what he stands to lose.

I would find the not loving your son comment unforgiveable - but then it was said to hurt, rather than in truth, it might be something i could get past.

Lots of sympathy.

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Orchidlady · 31/01/2011 12:08

Bertina, I am crying now, It seems so harsh when somebody else says this. I think I am a weak spineless loser right now. I know I should make him leave. If he would accept counselling I would be prepared to give things another try.

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Bertina · 31/01/2011 12:53

Orchidlady I'm truly sorry - it wasn't my intention to upset you. Please accept my apologies.

It is the case that sometimes we need others to show us the stark light of day - and in this case it's my opinion of your dp.

In no way are you a weak spineless loser. You are struggling in an impossible situation because it's so hard to see which way is up, you know someone gets hurt whatever you do - the question is which course of action is best in the long term. And you're in no position to be able to know or see that, none of us is.

It's easy to say 'leave the bastard' and 'make him leave' - but practically, how could you? If it were that easy none of us would be stuck with a cocklodger, and so many mners are.

I don't think this is necessarily the death knell of your relationship, however. I think I would try my very hardest to get out of there, if only in the short term, and gauge my next decision on my dp's reaction. It may make him wake up to his apalling behaviour. It may make him worse. Either way, his behaviour is his responsibility.

What I think I would do, and what you can actually do, are two very different things and I was and am in no way judging you or thinking ill of you for being in (imo) a bad relationship. I think your dp sounds awful - that is not a reflection or judgement on you at all.

Again, I'm very sorry for upsetting you.

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Orchidlady · 31/01/2011 13:05

Bertina, you have no reason to apologise, everything you say makes perfect sense. I am just feeling sad, trying to think of the best way forward. The last time he left I fell to pieces ( he was going through another Mid life crisis), I thinking I am just trying build up courage right now. I not this is all wrong, I feel just so miserable.

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Hullygully · 31/01/2011 13:09

If he is determined to go down the drain, there is absolutely no point in you and the dc going with him.

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bubblewrapped · 31/01/2011 13:13

Sorry, bit of confusion here, but whose son is the 19yo?

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humanheart · 31/01/2011 13:17

hang on, there are a lot of grades between 'leave' and 'stay' - and an awful lot you can do in between to address/repair etc. some things are immediate dealbreakers re DV but, generally, 'marriages' can go through extraordinarily complex passages and can take herculian effort sometimes (as long as it's not constant!) if things are worth saving. you've been together a long time. you have also been under a great deal of pressure re business.

things seem to be at such a high pitch at the mo - re I really don't think you should dive off at the deep end re DH's comments about ds. if dh won't go to counselling then you go yourself - though don't be tempted to use what you learn as a rod to beat dh with.. ie you sound in competition at the mo (high conflict), which is why a counsellor is vital as a ref, for starters. it does sound like dh is losing the plot. please try to stop focusing on the comments he made about your son - i don't think they are balanced or necessarily authentic but probably represent the turmoil you are both experiencing at the mo.

there are a lot of issues here and they need unpacking - you need a professional for that. if dh says he is suicidal (though retracts it) then this needs to be heard on some level. definitely see your GP asap to get some advice, get the ball rolling, and whatever the GP deems appropriate in the interim? you must talk to someone in an official capacity OP as the situation appears to be self-combusting under what seems like appalling pressure.

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Orchidlady · 31/01/2011 13:20

bubblewrapped, 19 is my son, we got together when he was 2, so calls my dp Dad

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femalevictormeldrew · 31/01/2011 13:24

I can't advise you but can I just say you need to do what is best for your child. Growing up as an unloved child can lead to an angry, resentful adult. I see it everyday (DH was the child). I hope it was said in a moment of rage, it doesn't make it much better, but at least there may be a way around it. I hope it works out for your little family x

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Orchidlady · 31/01/2011 13:30

Humanheart, it is not just the fact that he say he does not love ds but the way he behaves towards him sometimes. One thing you say that is really true is I really do think dp is losing it. Keeps saying that I am mad and a control freak but I am not the one going around trying to buy drugs from 19 yr old and getting so drunk I fall over. Ooops, sounding really defensive, sorry just letting off steam. I am really worried about everthing and don't know what to do. I know unless he gets counselling this has to end one way or another.

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coldtits · 31/01/2011 13:31

By asking your son to obtain drugs for him, he was attempting to make your son become his drug dealer. Think I'm exaggerating?

That's not what the police would say.

The fine for possession of cannabis is fairly low - the sentence for supply is much much higher.

This is what your husband was trying to get your son into.

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Ormirian · 31/01/2011 13:34

If he doesn't love your son he can have no part in a family of which your son is a major part.

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Orchidlady · 31/01/2011 13:34

coldtits, I don't think you are exaggerating, that was exactly what I said to him, that was my point exactly. I went berserk and he could not see it. He did apologise in the the end but tbh I think was to keep the peace. He thought I was overeacting and it was none of my business.Grrrrrr

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Bertina · 31/01/2011 13:40

I think your dp is seeing what he wants to see.

It sounds like he has a dependence on weed - could you call Narcotics Anonymous, or someone similar? might that help? It might shed more light on (though not excuse) his behaviour, and give you more information on what to do (leave/stay/counselling, if on your own) next, and more importantly, how to do it.

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Orchidlady · 31/01/2011 13:51

Bertina, he is an alcoholic, and yes he has smoked weed in the past but tbh I don't think he is @ the moment. When he says all these horrible things he is usually drunk.
Though not drunk when he asked ds for weed, that was just plain stupid.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/01/2011 13:59

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

You and by turn your son are just being sucked down into your partner's pit. He is more than happy to drag you down with him and this is precisely what is happening now. He is denying your own reality and is gaslighting you as well (this is an abuse tactic) not just to say projecting. He is the one that is mad and being a control freak.

What other option is there realistically for you but to leave him?. You have stated he would not go to counselling.

Counselling for your own self would be a very good idea.

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Orchidlady · 31/01/2011 14:02

Gaslighting?

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/01/2011 14:06

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented to the victim with the intent of making them doubt their own memory and perception. It may simply be the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, or it could be the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.

So what are you exactly getting out of this relationship now?. I guess nothing seeing as you have not responded to that question but what keeps you there now?. Financial constraints are no reason to stay with such a damaged and selfish individual.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/01/2011 14:09

The gaslighter might also directly or indirectly imply that the individual is defective, crazy, or suffers from a mental illness.

(You've also been called a complete control freak by him).

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Orchidlady · 31/01/2011 14:16

Attila, not getting a whole lot from this, like I said earlier in the post, I think I am spineless loser, I have lost all my confidence, hate the thought if being on my own. I have to say there could be some truth in the Gaslighting thing but tbh I think he is being extra nasty lately as he wants me to throw him out. It is almost like he has pushed a self ditruct button.

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Bertina · 31/01/2011 14:22

Maybe he wants to hit rock bottom. Addicts sometimes need to.

You are not a spineless loser - though at the moment, he is, and he has sapped your confidence. This does not make you weak or anything like it. That's him talking.

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