Splitting up but still co-habiting?

[nameswap]

I've namechanged for this as some people here know me in RL. I'll try to keep it shortish, as it's a long story.

I think DP and I are about to split, primarily because of his irresponsibility with money/work/drink. I've just reached the end of my rope, and am fed up of DS and I coming in last place behind other things in his life.

The thing is, we have a 3yo DS and I am 5 months pg with DC2. We live in quite a small 2br house that we don't pay rent for. Would it be insane for me to suggest us staying living in the house together, but moving into separate rooms? Has anyone done anything like this?

The reasons, I suppose, are so that DS can still see a lot of his daddy and so that DP can afford to continue to pay for bills etc for DS and I (I work at home v. part time and I don't really see how we would manage without some financial support from him until I can go back to work).

It sounds a bit crazy when I write it down, but could it work?

[WherecanIhide]

Why not? Is he willing? It does seem to make sense but I imagine you'll have to try it to see if it can work.

I'm sorry you may be splitting up

[nameswap]

Thanks, WherecanIhide. Yeah it sucks. I really thought we were going to grow old together .

He doesn't want to split up at all, he thinks I'm just being pg & hormonal, but we've been round in circles about all the issues before, and nothing is changing.

He would want to give it a go, I think.

[sleepwhenidie]

I think it sounds fine in theory but be prepared for it to get very tense and more complicated when one of you meets someone else....

[nameswap]

Yes sleepwhenidie, I thought of that, too.

Realistically, it's more likely to be him that meets someone, as I'll have a toddler and a new baby, and I definitely wouldn't want him bringing someone here. I think it would have to be all bets off at that stage, but it might give me enough time to get back to work, so the money thing wouldn't be so critical.

[pickgo]

Oh dear I feel so sorry for you contemplating this, I did it for years and it was bloody awful. Such a strain and really knocks the confidence out of you.
If you can think of any other alternative at all grab it with both hands. It's soul-destroying living with someone who's still got the right to say how you should do things but doesn't give a flying fuck whether you are happy or not.
Sorry to be negative but this is truly my idea of hell now.

[Carrotsandcelery]

I have done this, prior to dcs, in a shared flat. My ex moved into a different room and we tried to get on with life.
It did work to a certain extent as it was a relatively amicable split but when I met my now dh it was pretty awful for us both but particularly for my ex.
As a temporary measure it may work though. It would buy you time and it would give your dh time to see how serious you are (which may prompt more acceptable behaviour in him). Be prepared for a bumpy ride though as there are bound to be tricky moments.
I am so sorry things are not going well.

[nameswap]

Thanks for your honesty, pickgo. I'm trying to be realistic, and I'm seriously not looking forward to it, but am having trouble seeing another way out. If it turns out to be impossible, I can always put an end to it, I suppose.

The house we live in will be mine one day, but is not yet (bequest).

Part of the problem is that we're not in the UK, and there is no social welfare here, so no benefits or help with bills, childcare etc. I think if he had to pay rent there would just be none left for DS and I, and we'll need something for things like bills and groceries.

[nameswap]

Yes I think that's the thing, Carrotsandcelery, I am just trying to buy some time, really. I realise this is definitely not a 'forever' solution.

You're all being so nice, it's making me cry.

[FaffTastic]

Would be possible I imagine for a temporary measure I imagine. But what about the long-term future?

It would be almost impossible for you both you truly move on if you were still co-habiting and what if one or both of you found a new partner in the future?

[IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern]

DH was in this situation for months (this was before we were together).
It did work in the short term but really only for a matter of months.

From what you have said my main concern in your situation is that your DP doesn't want to seperate. That alone is going to make your situation stressful from the off. It also doesn't give a clean enough break for him as the reality is that nothing has really changed for him, he still comes and goes from you and the children but mentally you are moruing and moving on from the relationship while a part of him will always be hanging onto the hope that you are pregnant and hormonal.

I think for it to work you have to have a cut off date in mind and some very very firm rules in place.
If you were living apart there would be firm boundaries re. who has responsibility for the children and even living together I think you need to sort that out so that you are both ale to move on with your lives indipendantly. The danger could be that your DP starts going out and living a single mans life and moving on while you are left at home with the children.

I would honestly recommend thinking long and hard about this and if there is no way out set some firm rules around childcare and new relationships.

[kiwifruitisfun]

I tried it but it didn't work. Mainly because by that stage too many nasty things had been said (mainly by me) to ever go back.

[aseriouslyblondemoment]

nameswap please don't even entertain the idea
it will cause no end of upset for your ds and new child
my exh remained in the family home for the best part of a year as i wanted to be reasonable/allow the dcs to adjust to our separation/divorce( and ok it took me time to cowboy up and tell him to leave!)
it absolutely devastated and confused the dcs who were all 8yrs and under at the time