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I have made such a mess of my liffe

11 replies

sarjose · 29/01/2011 20:15

I feel so stupid, I don't know how to cope with these feelings,I can't stop crying and I only have myself to blame.I had a baby boy 2 weeks ago and he's absolutely beautiful,however,it wasn't supposed to be like this,sat alone night after night while the ex,who just moved out a couple of months ago,is doing whatever he wants with whoever he wants...he comes round to see the baby and spent the first week staying here as I'd had a c-section,he comes pretty much every day,except today,he has Friday and Saturday nights off work and surprise,surprise,I don't see him for dust.He texts and rings me all throughout the day as if I'm his best mate or something and I've been really nice and friendly but I can't take it any more,the thought of him with another woman,which is where my head goes on a weekend. The fact I will be stuck indoors on my own for years when I had just got my life in a great routine before I met that git,I have two older children 13yrs and 8 yrs and they go to their Dad's on a regular basis so I always had the opportunity to go out and have a break now I have fucked that up for myself and why was I so stupid to believe what he told me,I was with him for 4 years and he did some really,really stupid things, and he wanted me to have a baby and be a family for so long,he only backed out at the last minute,which leaves me here. I keep looking round thinking how did it come to this??? sorry to ramble I am trying to get it off my chest

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Adriane · 29/01/2011 20:34

Sarjose, I've no advice for you, but I can't read and let you feel you're alone.

Is there someone nearby who can support you through this?

I can't help thinking that while you're being 'nice and friendly' to him, you're being complicit with his treatment of you and he will carry on behaving this way. You don't have to be rude, but you need to set boundaries and expectations. Let him be a father, but don't let him mess with your head. As things are, you'll be eaten up inside and that's no good for anyone.

He's let you down terribly, but you haven't made a mess of your life. Life is a long time, unless you're a mayfly.

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perfumedlife · 29/01/2011 20:44

Sarjose, I agree with Adriane, you being all nice and friendly is doing you no favours.

You havn't made a mess of your life. You have experienced two major life stresses recently and are reacting normally to them, the break up of your relationship and the birth of your child. It's no wonder you feel a wreck. I think you need to get some professional help in the first instance from your gp or health visitor. You could also have some PND. Things can generally look pretty bleak at this time, even with a partner! As you know, new motherhood is hard, and this time you are that bit older, and doing it alone.

Yes, maybe you should have kicked him into touch years ago and said no more kids, but that's the benefit of hindsight. You don't wish your new baby away, you know that.
He may look like he has it all, going out all weekend. But he doesn't have three kids who put him at the centre of their world. You do. He will get his day, they always do.

I think you need to be kind to yourself, stop blaming yourself, he was the one who bolted, and stop being so nice to him. Harness your anger.

Do you have family/friends to help you out if you tell him to sling it? Yes, he wants to see his child, but it should be on your terms, and at times that suit. Being on the end of the phone all day is not helping you to move on. x

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maltesers · 29/01/2011 20:53

I understand your plight. I had another child with a partner when my two children were 10 and 12 and then when he was 5 yrs we aplit up. . I felt so terrible and so so badly let down and didnt want to go through it all over again. My youngest is now 10yrs and the 2 older ones have left home and i am with a truly lovely guy who is so sweet, kind caring and conciderate, so loving and good tempered. So i hope you get through this and eventually meet a really nice person who is the same as amine. You dont deserve all this.
I felt exactly as you posted. . ." . . . a mess of my life . ." but you have to eventually put all this behind you and move on. Easier said than done and its early days right now for you. Just love your new baby and your big two kids who need you so badly.
I hope things get better for you and as for the father of your baby , well, he needs a good kick up between the legs where it really hurts, , ,cos he is a total shit. . .
I only hope what goes around, comes around and he eventually pays for his rotten behaviour !!!
Big hugsm and big arms around you from us all here at mums net. XXXXX We support you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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sarjose · 29/01/2011 20:56

I will talk to my health visitor this week, and I know this sounds so ridiculous but I think I'm being nice with him because part of me hasn't given up hope that he may come back,once he's over his childish phase.Dumb,I know.I'm very guarded though so I doubt he would know this.I do have friends and my Mum, (who all can't stand him)who are lovely,and I am so thankful for. Yes,the phone thing is hindering me,although I feel better when we are in contact,I get down and start imagining him with other women when I haven't heard from him in a while,aaarrggg I frustrate myself,apologies!

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bestmamaderwelt · 29/01/2011 20:56

My ex also made so many empty promises then left when i was 4 moths pregnant. I also blamed my self, but or gods sake what is it that we have done so wrong other than to trust some one who was supposed to love us?

You've done it before you will do it again and meet some who restores your faith in men.

BUT there is one thing i regret...being so nice and letting him stick around. It delayed moving on for almost 4 years and tainted what should have been precious moment with my baby.

Remember while your baby is so little not seeing his all the time dad wont matter, protect your self and minimize contact. What does matter is that your not completely done in. You are the only thing in your baby world that matters at the moment. And maybe if you do minimize contact you will heal, feel less emotional towards him and come to some sort of agreement by the time it does matter for him to maintain regular contact.

you know your life isn't over, you have a fantastic little boy and when he does get older you will have a social life again. Don't let the bastard get you down!

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sarjose · 29/01/2011 20:57

oh thank you so much xxxx

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bestmamaderwelt · 29/01/2011 22:46

Its so much easier said than done i went through hell with my ex and still loved and wanted to be a family with him for months even years after, mainly because i maintained so much contact and let him give me emotional support, but realise you are better than this!

Learn from my mistakes and take control of the situation, don't let him have the best of both world. Going out and still being able to play happy families.

Good luck with it all, stay strong and enjoy your son!

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humanheart · 29/01/2011 23:16

sarjose, can you go and stay with your mum? if you've had a c-section you probably need to be looked after for a while. plus it would get you out of this awful situation of him coming and going and you feeling terrible. HOpe you're sleeping soundly and wake up feeling a bit better. I'm sorry he's such a shit and has messed up your heart X X X

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givemesomespace · 30/01/2011 07:48

As a man this makes me so upset. It's my firm view that men like this are responsible for so much that is wrong with our world. In short if a man can't "man up" at a time like this then I'm fairly sure he never will. It's simply not acceptable. Like most of us, I have found raising children to be the most challenging thing I have ever done and honestly it has pushed close to the edge of my mental sanity. But most of us face that challenge instead of running from it (believe me I have wanted to run from it all).

Could write a lot more but suspect it will gradually turn into a very negative rant. Hopefully you can see how people are thinking of you. It WILL get better for you. I suspect it will get better a lot quicker without this spineless idiot around. Don't let him control the situation. All the best.

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maltesers · 31/01/2011 09:31

Ah thats so nice 'givemsomespace'. . .your words should help the 'sarjose'.
SEEE sarjose, there are some decent men around....its just a case of taking your time and finding the right one. Tread carefully, and dont jump in with both feet first.!

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sarjose · 01/02/2011 21:06

Everyone,your messages really comforted me,I feel alot better,Ive had some sleep and tried to get things in perspective. Im sure I will have down days again but each time I do will be easier than the last,I know that he is not worth the agony and certainly not worth tainting this beautiful little life that relies on me. I think the fact that he seems to find it so easy and that makes him far more relaxed and generally nicer around me,makes the situation harder,however,thats not the real him and I do remember what he was like before,arrogant control freak...so,onwards and upwards and thank you all again