not sure what to do - sorry long one

[notsureinnots]

To cut a long story short, I asked my DH to move out in October, after I discovered his affair (according to him not physical - but emotional!). He did this, and apart from the odd argument, things have been OK from my point of view. He behaved like a complete t**t to his DC, coming to see them at a time when they need to be getting ready for bed, then hyping them up so that yours truly has to deal with the fall out. He spent 1/2 hour with them on xmas day - not with them as in giving attention, just with them as in the room watching dr who. During this time, he was living a couple of days at his parents, and the rest of the time with his OW. This has now fizzled out, he says he ended it (to his parents - not me), and he is now at his parents all the time. We are going to sell the house as I cannot afford it on my own, which is fine with me, as too many bad memories there (emotional abuse over the years - 13 years marriage). He has been good at giving money to me for the children and to cover soem of the bills, which is great. However, alongside all the home stuff, he has major issues at work. He is a teacher, and was put on informal capability procedures in October/November 2009. I persuaded him to go to GP, as he was was depressed. GP agreed, started him on meds, and signed him off work. He stayed off work till Feb last year, but was put ont0 formal capability procedures in May. He aslo stopped taking AD's because he did'nt think he needed them, and although I tried to get him to go to counselling (I set up first appointment for him) - he refused to go - as he did'nt think HE had a problem. The first stage of this is now finished (I think - he hasn't told me, I just assume from things he's said), and he is probably now on stage 2 of capability. at our DS 10th birthday yest, he came with his parents to my SIL's house - who is being very supportive by the way - and was very low, little interaction with the adults or his own DC. He said he was going back to GP today to get signed off and he was going to quit his job and get a job outside of teaching.

I'm feeling really guilty now as I'm thinking "am I being supportive enough"? But I don't think I can support him because of what has gone on. My older DS does not want him at home again as, in his words, he "does'nt feel safe with Dad in the house". When I quizzed DS further, he said that he had felt like this for some time. It's prob worth pointing out that DH blames ME for everything that is wrong in his life - work and home.

What do you think I should do? Thanks for any suggestions

[StuffingGoldBrass]

Let him get on with it. He's not your problem any more. Why should you be expected to support someone who has emotionally abused you and cheated on you and is not making any effort to co operate with you on parenting your DC either.
This tiresome, selfish, inadequate man has medical care and parents to support him. It's not your job or your duty to look after him just because you were married to him.

[notsureinnots]

Thanks stuffing. It's good having someone not involved to get advice from. Do you think that my way of managing him, which is - "oh I'm sorry to hear that" and then moving onto something else is OK?

[readywithwellies]

Agree with SGB. If he was a platonic friend, who was not the father of your dcs, would you still be giving him the time of day? I wouldn't even say 'sorry to hear that' he would not be in my presence long enough to tell me his problems.
If it were me, he wouldn't be coming into my home, access can be at his parents house.

[SenoritaViva]

I think your way of managing him is good. Yes, some of the things that went wrong might be due to the state of his mental health, however, that does not mean you have to support him (in some situations it can mean so). I think the most important thing in your whole post is that you said that he blames you for everything. He clearly isn't taking any responsibility and this is the very reason that I would say you are doing all the right things.

Secondly my advice would be to ensure that you can in financially independent because you may not have the luxury of support in the future (if he quits his job).

Thirdly I would help you DS with his thoughts about safety.

This is a sad tale but you do sound like you are doing the right thing.

[Hassled]

I do understand how hard it is to get in the mindset of "It's not my problem anymore" - I went through something similar with my first DH. You can rationalise it all you want, but when you have that history with someone it's bloody hard to just leave them to it when they're having a hard time.

But in your case you must leave him to it. The only thing you should be worrying about is your finances - you've said he's been good re money, but presumably that will dry up if he quits teaching (and finding another job is easier said than done - he might struggle, especially if references will be poor). Could you cope without the money he's putting in at the moment?

[notsureinnots]

Once house sold, I can be financially independent of him, which will give me so much relief. I HATE being dependent on him for money, and can't wait to be free of that dependence. Fortunatley, I have a good, stable job which I may be able to up to full time hours to help with things. Amazingly, the DC both say they are happy to live somewhere smaller, as long as they can be near their friends/family. I just keep them in mind when I'm pondering what to do.

[Plumm]

It's time to think about yourself and your children, especially if they're telling you they don't want to live with Dad. Good luck with the house sale - is it already on the market?

[notsureinnots]

HI Plumm
Thanks - it will be on market soon - prob next few weeks, just have a bit of work to do to get it looking its best for the sale, if you know what I mean! Houses seem to be selling fairly well where i live so hopefully it will sell fairly quickly

[StuffingGoldBrass]

Yes, the 'Oh dear how sad never mind' strategy is a good one with people like this. Remember that he has plenty of sources of support other than you and if he doesn't take them up it's his lookout.

It's fortunate also that DC are old enough to see him for what he is, I would imagine it could be very hard if they were younger and inclined to feel so sorry for Daddy that they were able to overlook his horrible behaviour to all of you. (bolded that because it's important to remember, you did nothing wrong, if he had been nicer to you you might have felt more inclined to offer more support, but he wasn't, so you needn't)

[notsureinnots]

Hi thanks stuffing. Guess what? Today he tells me that he's going to quit his job. He's been signed off, and won't be going back. He then tells me that oops sorry, he's not sure that he'll be able to give me any money as he won't be earning so much. I suggested that while he was off, in addition to looking for a new job,he might like to come and really crack on with the work that needs doing here. He said no. I can't afford to live without any money from him, as the bills and debt repayments are too much for my salary, much as it's a good one. I asked if he was still moving to his flat, which he said yes to. FFS he does not live in the real world. He's renting a 2 bed flat for himself,because he wants a second bedroom for the DC - who just happen to (well one of them at least) not sleep at his place because, in his words, "I don't feel safe with ...".any advice? Thanks

[StuffingGoldBrass]

I don't think it's a good idea to get him to do work on the house. Remember he's an abusive self-obsessed wanker who makes your DC feel unsafe so he shouldn't really be let over the threshold.
Can you afford to get some man-with-a-van to come round and do the odd jobs? Or indeed knock a couple of grand off the asking price of the house just to be rid of it and able to set up a home for yourself and DC that this man doesn't have to come into?

[DioneTheDiabolist]

Not, I was in your position. Believe me the best thing you can do for yourself, your DCs and your Ex is to leave him to it.

Do not get involved, if you do then he will use that to either blame you or make out to others what a great guy he is. He will also use working on your house to try and get his feet under your table by ingratiating himself with your DCs and being familiar in your home.

His only responsibility has ever been to himself. You have helped him enough in that concern by removing yourself and your DCs from his toxic presence.

You do not need to help him anymore.

[NomNomNom]

Seriously, I know what it's like to look at someone doing everything wrong. It's hard, and sometimes you just want to slap the person to make them come to their senses (metaphorically of course). He needs to come to his own conclusions. If you book counselling sessions for him, it won't help him. You've basically found yourself in the position that I am terrified of finding myself in (mine is quite similar but without the job quitting part, so far).

It must be so hard for you to have to cope without his financial contribution now. Use your energy to make your life with the DC better. Leave him to sort his own mess out. It's not your responsibility. Do you really want to mother him when he's not really being very nice to you?

Would you be entitled to any benefits/tax credits? Are the DC old enough to get a paper round to pay for their own treats etc? Can your/his family help at all?