I live with a lovely man, he is generous and kind and genuinely can't do enough for me or my children (not his). He works hard but is never too tired to be all he can be when he comes home - such a sweet guy. He is 100% appreciated, everyone says please, thank you and offers to help/do things in return are always forthcoming. Needless to say I love him dearly.
However every so often we (all) experience a very different person (maybe once every 2 or 3 months) and I absolutely cannot get my head around it, neither can the children (all teenagers - 19, 17, 15, 13).
I will try and explain briefly. A bit of background. My life (social, family, work) is his life. The house we live in is mine (I lived on my own for 5 years before I met him) and I have gone out of my way to make him feel part of it, dedicating space to him and redecorating to incorporate his taste. I share everything with him without question and he wants to share it, yet his life is quite obviously his own. His family, his friends, his work. And actually that is fine but I just find it a little odd.
He showed me a text last weekend from a friend of his that would indicate they were very close and I mentioned it would be nice if he pay us a visit (he has never been to our house in the 3 years we have been together). DP's reaction was intense and he was very defensive of the friendship to the point of telling lies and all at huge volume. I sat with an open mouth tbh as I could not for the life of me think what I may have said to warrant such a tirade over an innocent suggestion. Every time I opened my mouth to speak he shouted across me. He then spent days in a sulk. He refused to talk, was sullen and gruff, walked out of the room mumbling at least once a day and not just with me but with kids too, which makes me rather bloody cross I have to say.
Now this is not the first instance of this. If I hit a nerve (ie dare to pry into the life he has that we are not welcome in) he reacts like this and there have been numerous episodes of the same with different triggers. I am not one to tread on eggshells and am a very upfront person so naturally find this difficult to deal with. Happy for him to have privacy, Christ we all need that, but think this goes beyond that. I deal with sulking by choosing to ignore it rather than pander to it, after all he is 41, adult enough to voice his anger/pissed offness or whatever it is.
I have tried over and over talking to him about this reaction but he looks at me blankly and says he doesn't know what I am talking about. Emailing/writing just gets ignored.
I am writing here now to see if any of you have a clue what I can do. It is affecting our sex life now - me I'm afraid. I find it hard to be close to someone physically when there is an emotional gap. I used to be able to get it back when the episode was over but it gets more and more difficult.
I know this probably doesn't sound like much but it is driving me round the bend :-( Please help?
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
A bit of a Jekyll and Hyde?
HildaVonCrapp · 23/01/2011 11:30
Msboogie thanks for replying.
It is very difficult fitting all info on without writing an epic isn't it?
Yes, I get you. On this last occasion I was apparently accusing him of having a gay relationship. Now this is a well discussed topic as he had a gay relationship in his teenage years (not with the chap in my post) and is pretty relaxed about the whole thing? I also was accusing him of lying (not my words but essentially he was - he claimed never to have been to this chap's house and I know he has been numerous times as he has talked about how chap's gf is very house proud and makes him sit on a sheet).
The lying thing is a recurring theme in most of these episodes and actually he does lie his arse off when he feels cornered.
There is a certain childish reaction going on here - I don't mean that in a derogatory way but in terms of this is how he would react if his mother "caught him". God knows what he thinks he is doing wrong?! 
It is so difficult to put this into words. Have I managed to answer clearly enough? 
Roberta I usually work on the premise of what you react to you are guilty of but there are lots of different triggers which at other times he may joke and laugh about himself. He seems to find it very difficult to cope with people (by people I mean me and my children right now) knowing him well and seems to be embarrassed by who he is. If one of us perchance hits upon a truth he is not quite ready to acknowledge himself that is generally when we get a reaction. Hence the example given in my original post, I think he feels guilty for not including me in his life but still doesn't want to allow me in so by shouting and squeaking he establishes a situation where I will no longer probe.
Perhaps it is, or has been a gay relationship - I don't actually give a toss. I don't even need the truth if he doesn't want to share it but on the flip side I don't expect or deserve to be shouted and yawped at.
So perhaps I have answered my own question to a degree - the shouting stems from him trying to protect something he is not ready to look at or deal with himself yet (obviously I can't force him to either).
If I press an issue he resists by shouting more.
If I try and talk round an issue he hangs his head like he is getting a telling off from the teacher.
Perhaps I should just leave these areas well alone and have some respect for the things he doesn't want to unearth? Dunno!
I want him to stop reacting, to stop following me once he has reacted and I want to back off until he has calmed down. (He follows me because he then wants everything to be alright and says sorry over and over).
Argh the more I type the more confusing it becomes Sorry everyone, please bear with me whilst I unravel where to go next and keep the advice and questions coming because they are helping.
When he relaxes and forgets himself he is lovely and really not at all weird. You will just have to take my word for that 
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
Some challenging questions there Grace. I will try and answer them - apologies this may be loooong!
A one way relationship? Not really. He puts other stuff into it that I don't - on a different (generally physical) level admittedly. We do not all have emotional intelligence and self awareness. I accept that.
I accept he doesn't reciprocate on the sharing life front - that is part of what my post was about really. Is it unacceptable or just different? Who makes the rules? Horses for courses? I guess I am using this forum to think out loud and to invite debate and discussion.
Of course we have discussed what his issues might be but I can't tell him what they are even when they are plain to see, he has to recognise them for himself in order to move forward. Of course I want to know what they are, I am trying to find a way forward without these odd reactions. Understanding is half the battle. It is a relationship therefore what is wrong with me helping him with something I am qualified to do? Just like he helps me with the things he is qualified to do. And we muddle through with the rest.
His refusal to share, in the context of our lives is not prevalent in my thoughts or concerns for the most part; I have little time for the extra (although would gladly make time if he volunteered it). No one got anything by making demands and I would rather he volunteer it.
Anyone can be unpredictable, anyone can be secretive, it depends to what level. He doesn't scare, intimidate me nor strike me as any more unpredictable than any other human being, indeed he is a kind considerate caring man. No one person is perfect, no one relationship is perfect.
He is responsible for his own behaviour and the outcomes of that behaviour. However I do think we have a relationship worth working at (as I know he does, he just really doesn't have the tools to confront himself in the same way all of us clearly can).
In reference to my statement "the worry is he wants to be perfect not for himself but to keep me", the worry part is that the relationship will sustain more damage whilst he has that perspective.
With a bit of luck that epic will tell you that I don't want to or feel the need to fix him.
I believe there is always a reasonable explanation for behaviours. It is how unreasonable the behaviours are or become.
There is no question at all as to the security of my children. Of course you would have to meet us to appreciate that so again, it is a question of taking my word for it.
Madonna, lodger? I can see why you would think that but I am posting over an issue. I did state that for the majority of the time he is lovely and this behaviour happens infrequently. He probably suffers more often from my PMT! I have spoken about the negatives as they are what I would like to address/understand/debate/discuss etc. If there were nothing in it for me I wouldn't be posting, I'd be packing his bags 
He certainly has a past he has not laid to rest conflugen and I understand the dynamic, but it is not with his sexuality. Oddly this is one area where he has been honest with himself (and consequently me).
Gosh this is almost as long as War and Peace. Many apologies and thanks all for helping me to examine this 
Thanks Grace. I guess you have to walk a mile in someone's shoes to understand fully I have a better understanding, yes. Will be mulling it over and sleeping on it for a few days. Thanks for your posting
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.