Right long story and I can?t say too much without outing myself so please forgive if it sounds like I?m being difficult.
Background: OH and I have been together for coming up 17 years; no children though we are trying 
but not getting too far.
Anyway as far as OH?s family is concerned I am pure evil; reasons why I?m evil; well I?m white and emmm that?s kind of it really.
(According to his mother I was only with him for his money, what money? Where?s the money? All white girls are whores and I?d just get pregnant and because I was a whore he wouldn?t even know if they were his kids because I was definitely sleeping with all his friends. Busy girl me. . . . She never says any of this in front of OH anymore since he threatened to cut contact with her if she ever said anything bad about me in front of him again.)
Oh and because OH refused to participate in an arranged marriage and have me on the side. . . . (yes his mother seriously suggested this, which to me is not only gross to suggest arranged infidelity but just says that she has no real interest in OH?s happiness or for that matter her potential DIL )
After many episodes/years I have decided that I have had enough with them all.
I have never had a lot of direct contact with them, his mother has always refused to meet me, as do his sisters; with the exception of the youngest; but will not admit it to her Mum.
However for all their attitude and abuse etc, if they need a baby sitter (yes I?m a whore but I?m ok to take care of the kids, seriously would you leave your children with someone you had never met? Who you think is a whore? 
)
Or when they need someone to argue with the hospital/ school/ etc guess who is first in line?
And then we get the whole racist argument, that of course I got somewhere because we?re all in it together. Not because I listen and am rational and have an adult conversation and follow up on complaints issues, keep records etc.
Basically if it isn?t sorted straight away it?s racism, not bureaucracy, not red tape always always racism. (For example OH?s Mum got made redundant, as did her best friend, apparently this was racism, except that everyone got made redundant the factory closed down FFS)
It wouldn?t be so bad except I only ever get told half the story so I usually look like a fool at the start.
Anyway I?ve had enough, I get dragged in to sort out these messes they have made, get treated like shit and then ignored or bad mouthed till the next time.
So tonight I have calmly told OH that unless the situation is to do with DN?s
I -am -out.
I am no longer playing.
I am happy for OH to carry on seeing them as normal etc but I don?t want to hear about it, unless as I said it?s to do with the DN?s (and with the older ones they will contact me directly anyway). Older DN?s already text and FB me and pop in to chat.
But is this really feasible?
With OH still seeing them regularly (he feels a lot of family/ culture guilt, he?s the eldest oh and a boy!! By his culture?s ?rules? he should be married and he and his wife should be living under his mothers - -thumb- -roof.) I have never asked him to choose and never would but can I really think that it?s fair to expect him to deal with their craziness alone??
Or am I being a selfish cow?
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Am I wrong
KittaKatta · 17/01/2011 23:05
from all i've heard (a lot!) from women who are in a similar situation to the one you describe... without going into detail i think you're on a losing battle with a family like this who are of a particular culture and race tbh - who, more importantly, expect total blind loyalty from their offspring. the pull of his family will always be incredibly strong and it sounds like a culture which expects absolute dedication and loyalty to the parents and original family, above and beyond the partner. he is also the eldest son, and the heavy expectations on him will never go away - he will always feel torn but his loyalty will ultimately go to his original family. he hasn't even married you hun - is that what you want? you are white (re not the same culture) I doubt they will ever accept you and will always bad-mouth and abuse you. It never changes I'm afraid. your partner's family sound very racist indeed. perhaps you could have put in your heading that you are in a relationship with a guy from a particular culture - you could get more advice and general support from people in a similar situation.
as some people have said, why have you put up with this? and for so long? re a relationship that consigns you to a small corner. you are not valued by his family and wheeled on to get things sorted when it means dealing with 'white' authority, but abused and disrespected as a matter of course - even used for free babysitting. they don't respect you and never will imo 
Thank you all for replying.
Re: marriage, if I said come on sweetie lets get down the registry office, he?d be down there like a shot; it?s me that really has no interest in marriage. We have a history of 17+ years and a mortgage and as far as me and my family are concerned he is family. That?s good enough for me. And because I?m not an idiot the house is in my name yeap he pays the mortgage but all the deeds are in my name. Solicitor at the time of buying couldn?t believe it and felt it was his legal responsibility to ?warn? OH that I could legally kick him out and he would have no rights to the house but would still be responsible for half the debt.
He does stick up for me, they will never bad mouth me in his presence; I hear all the shit from youngest ?SIL? who I honestly let away with far too much. But in her defence she was told every day pretty much from the day she was born that she was meant to be a boy and that she is and always will be a disappointment. Coming from a family like mine which although we have our problems like all families we all grew up knowing we were loved and wanted, I have patience for/with her and am very proud of how far she has come so far. She has a history of anorexia and self harm but is now an acceptable weight for her height and hasn?t cut in years.
I really have no expectation of them changing, it is only his Mum. His Dad died 14/15 years ago. I have no need to be respected by his family, they just tire me that sounds a bit bitchy, sorry but I although I care about our DN?s, as for the rest of them I only care because it affects OH, do you know what I mean? I care about DN?s well because I?ve been a part of their lives, well since they were born, not trying to big myself up but I could go 6 months without seeing them but they always remembered me, (maybe it was the white face and as I said before they now make an effort to see/keep in contact with me.
And I love them, they are intelligent and funny and sweet and awkward and gorgeous.
As re: kids, well from my point of view I, in my lovely childless ivory tower, see no reason why OH can?t do ?supervised? visits with his Mum.
I know how protective he is of me. But having watched how my sisters and friends have changed after the birth of their LO?s I can?t say how I will be. But OH?s current attitude is that if I manage to get pregnant (that sounds wrong but you know what I mean) that we instantly move closer to my Ma. This will mean moving country (btw I?m not British, though OH is).
BUT
Should I really expect him to deal with all their craziness without me?
When I said it to OH (on the phone as he working away again, this is normal) he actually said he was surprised that I?d put up with it so long.
Please don?t think he?s some sort of saint he isn?t, he is however a good guy that despite growing up in a toxic environment managed to come out pretty unscathed, though an ability to find the laundry basket would be nice. . . And to understand why I really don?t want to find stinky socks on the couch. .but seriously
I can?t ask him to give up part of his family, and never would, but as long as he has (or chooses to) to deal with them, well in the whole partnership deal don?t I?
Or do I?
@ your post. I adore your sense of humour. Would have loved to see the look on the Solicitor's face as your OH signed the papers.
"I can?t ask him to give up part of his family" - and especially his mother? no you cannot. In such cultures (I belong to one) disowning parents brings with it a set of new problems that I wouldn't even know how to start explaining. Please don't do it and I am glad you have said you would not.
I hope someone else can answer your second question.
I am curious though, what is plan B if you don't manage to concieve naturally? adoption or a childless life?
Hope that's not too intrusive.
Thanks.
Hi again, yes they are Indian, how did you guess .
We?ve had another long chat about it all and he fully sees my POV, it is all me I feel guilty that he is going to have to deal with all their craziness alone.
In the interests of being fair (?) I have suggested that he has 10-15 minutes every day to rant about them, but I will not suggest or advise it will purely be a rant session for him.
What REALLY REALLY pisses me off is ?MIL? does the whole helpless woman bit so often, when she?s not, she?s actually quite an astute business woman, (owns several properties outright that she rents out and various other stuff) but still expects that if it is anything to do with the family that he needs to deal/sort it even if it?s some thing silly, i.e.: last year she invited all the family; though not me to hers I can?t remember exactly what it was for? Anyway there was a force 10 tantrum that OH wouldn?t drive her to the supermarket to shop for this event.
By the way:
(a) she drives
(b) she currently has 2 cars, both in good condition
(c) OH was working 200+ miles away, had to book time off to attend actual event. She expected him to drive to her after work, take her shopping, and then drive back. HA!
(d) Both older DN?s offered to go with her in case it was an issue of lifting/ carrying. She turned them down
(e) It wasn?t a stealth way of getting him to pay, he offered to move money in to her account/ send a cheque all refused.
From a female POV I HATE women like this, they give all of us a bad name.
On another point I think it is truly amazing that OH and the DN?s have/ are growing up as normal/ rational as they are; I?m not saying there aren?t a couple of issues but in general
(TBH I?m surprised that none of them aren?t serial axe murders, though maybe one or two of them are. . . . . . 
Kidding really, honest. (Weird sense of humour)
As regards seeing them unless we have something arranged I have no issues with OH going there; I?m a bit of an anti-social bugger at the best of times and am more than happy with my own company. The only thing that annoys me is that he is never on time i.e.: he?ll tell ?MIL? that he?ll be there at 12, but because he doesn?t want to go will prat around and get there at 13:30-14:00, by which time she?s worked her self up and started calling him every 10 minutes. When our relationship first started her big issue was I was going to STEAL him from the family and they would never see him again. My attitude is that this is insecurity and that if he says he?s going to be there at 12 he should be there at 12, but again if he says he?s going to leave at 17:00 he should leave at that time and not let her manipulate him.
Anyway thank you all for letting me rant.
All my friends (yes although I am an anti social git I do have friends) are sick of it all I?m sure, I have to say it is lovely to off load.
Oh and Roses2 the only words that she has ever spoken to me are (a) when I've answered OH's phone and that has been 'where is he'grunted at me.
(b)And once when OH was having an issue with her on the phone, we were on holiday she wanted him to come home to drive her to temple (we were in Greece and even if we wanted to we couldn?t, remember that tail end of a hurricane that caught Greece about 7-8 years ago.)
Anyway after he tried explaining to her for the 4th or 5th time this was not happening she called me and screamed down the phone:
?You fat white barren whore, you don?t even have the decency to give me pale grandchildren,(WTF?) you diseased whore.?
I?m perversely proud of that, I mean she has to have worked on it a while, no one comes out with that good an insult of the top of their head.
Oh the other hand when me and friends play the ?How crap is my DM/ MIL I always win
In Indian culture the males are considered to be major 'prizes' and their whole point in life (from their mothers view) is to marry a young Indian girl who will then move into the family home where she will be taught how to cook and be a good wife and ultimately bare her grandchildren. The son will usually take over the househol/mortgage payments and pretty much pander to his parents needs. The wife will also be expected to pull her weight (the family will of paid the girls family 'insurance' money.
If in fact the son shuns this normal tradition, he will be seen to of brought shame upon the family, infact many years ago a 'mercy' killing might of been carried out.
So anyway, I expect you MIL is mighty pissed off that her precious son has decided to walk his own life path with a 'white whore' . Seriously tho, you won't change her mind, so stick two fingers up to it and marry your lovely dp.
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