what counselling do I need?

[snowexpected]

Hi. I've had a thread before but not about counselling. However just from reading some of the threads on here, I have picked up on some real similarities.

I'm married with 2 dc and find my dh quite angry. I find this difficult to cope with and question myself whether I should be coping with it or just telling him to bugger off (or words to that effect)

The other issue is that I have a history of drinking too much, flirting and generally being a pain in the ass. That behaviour stopped before I met dh cos I realised it wasn't 'normal' behaviour. Anyway I have realised that my self esteem is very low as a result of my upbringing (dad a bit of a bully) and I would like to attempt to sort the mess in my head out.

Can anyone advise what steps I should take to deal with this? I don't want to keep struggling with it all

[malinkey]

Is your DH just angry with you? Have you read the Lundy Bancroft book Why does he do that? Makes interesting reading and explains different types of abusive men. You might like to look and see if your angry dh appears in there.

Or is he the same with everyone? Then he may have a problem with anger management.

I'm not an expert on counselling but I had a six week course that was free through my work. You can access similar free through your GP - though depending on where you live you might have to wait a while. I found it helpful as a starting point but I'm thinking about doing more later. You won't necessarily solve all your problems in six weeks but it can be helpful to work out why you do what you do and get some clarity about your relationship.

Also you can do courses on self-esteem and assertiveness - I'm looking into these at the moment. Might help boost your confidence and learn new ways of dealing with difficult people/situations.

Good luck!

[snowexpected]

Thanks. Malinkey that's useful. He's angry with most people but not all the time sometimes he can be nice
He just starts ranting about things and it gets me down. I walk on eggshells a fair bit.

I want to try to learn who I am and what is acceptable behaviour and what is not. I've tried some counselling but that was cbt not sure if that's what I need.

[smellycatsmellycat]

Nah you need to do some work on understanding yourself, apparently psychotherapy is good for that but person centred counselling will help... Do u work for a large organisation that might have access to that? Or ru at Uni at all?

I'm a horrible flirt and am contemplating going teetotal cos I'm not trustworthy when drunk. I know why I'm like that sort of, like you, but it isn't much help when you are confused is it? You just feel shit about yourself.

Is your dp any good at talking about why he's so grumpy?

[malinkey]

Why not have a look at that book anyway and see if it rings any bells? If it doesn't then all well and good, but if might help.

I think CBT is good at helping people deal with specific problems like panic attacks for example.

I think you need more general counselling if you want to talk about issues in greater depth and look at how your past has affected your life. Relate is another option if it's to do with relationships - you can do that on your own, you don't have to go as a couple.

You could go to your GP and explain why you want counselling and get six weeks free. But if you want to go sooner and can afford to pay I've seen BACP recommended on here as a place to find a good counsellor in your area.

Also if you don't like your counsellor or don't feel you can talk to them on your first meeting then you shouldn't persevere but go and find someone else who suits you better.

The most useful thing that came out from my counselling was that I've never listened to my gut instincts about things and that's why I've made daft decisions. Has already made me look at things differently.

Hope this makes sense - have had a couple of glasses of wine!

[NimpyWindowmash]

speak to your GP, or if you want to go direct, then malinkey is right, BACP is a good place to look. Their search facility is available here and also they have an explanation of the different theoretical approaches here. It sounds like you may want something a bit more in depth than CBT.

[ilovesooty]

If you ask your GP you will probably get time limited/CBT. It could well be that you might find person centred or psychodynamic therapy more helpful. As said before, BACP is a good starting point, and I agree with malinkey that you need to persevere sometimes to get a counsellor you "click" with. I always tell my clients at the outset that if they don't feel they can work with me I'd be happy to suggest someone else.

[NimpyWindowmash]

ilovesooty, out of interest what type of counselling do you practise? I am embarking on training at the moment.

[snowexpected]

Thanks very much for your replies. I've not been able to get back on hear til now due to rushing about.

Malinkey your post did make sense . I will get the book and see if any of it rings bells. I'll also take a look at bacp.

I embarked on some counselling a while ago and it left me really raw and feeling terrible so I want to be really sure it's going to be beneficial for me and therefore my dc's. I want them to have a 'normal' upbringing with no shit but as I have said before I'm not always sure what is right and wrong. What I do know is that I don't want to feel like this.
Thanks Nimpy for the links. I will give them a closer look later. Good luck with your counsellor training.

Smellycat it was your thread that triggered me to start my own. What you said really rang bells with me. You do exactly what I do. You say you think you know why you do it. Can you share that or is it tmi?

Sooty I'm going to look into all the info and make a decision. I'm really scared that counselling might make me crack up though.

[ilovesooty]

HiNimpyWindowmash,

I'm a person centred counsellor: my diploma is in person centred counselling and human relations. I'm just about to complete a certificate in cognitive behavioural coping skills (work sent me on that).

Good luck with your training: what course are you doing?

[ilovesooty]

Oh: and the first thing I did when I qualified was to get on the BACP search directory - it paid for itself very quickly as it's where most people look.

Snowexpected - counselling can be a very emotional experience as you become more self aware but I do hope you get what you need.

[NimpyWindowmash]

I've got a long way to go. I am doing a one year foundation at the moment, which is a fairly general introduction, before deciding what course to do next.

[smellycatsmellycat]

Hello snow.

Has anything happened that's got you thinking about all this again?

If I'm being very 'deep' I think i do it cos I was pretty much ignored completely from age 11 onwards when my parents started falling out and being vile to each other. they barely looked at me for years. I smoked drank took various drugs shagged people etc to get them to give a shit but they didnt. They just paid for me to do extra school work.

You mentioned your dad was a bit of a bully - do you see that in your dh?

Various other things have shredded my self esteem and I've had some very dodgy relationships. I did have some excellent counselling at Uni that did crack me up temporarily, but once I recovered it really went a long way towards me feeling better as well as diagnosing me properly with pnd and other things. That's by the by tho. My point is that it's an ongoing thing that I need to dip in and out of to stay on a level - I know EXACTLY what u mean about learning what's ok and what's not. I'm useless with boundaries... I think I'm gonna have to go back now cos as you've seen I'm in a bit of a manic phase...